For the past month or so, I've just been having all these thoughts swimming in my head. I've just been having trouble coming up with the words to describe them all. I don't know, the best way to describe it is that I've simply not been feeling cool lately. I'm not sure if there if just one thing I can pin it down to. If anything, I guess I'm just tired of waiting around for life to actually get better because reality doesn't really work that way. I mean sure, sometimes good things can just fall into your lap by chance. Realistically speaking however one can't really rely on random occurrences to deliver any kind of lasting fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate, or at the very least least I try to be appreciative, of the few things that have gone right in my life. I'm happy that I'm back working full time and that I have a steady income and although I do indeed try to count my blessings. I know that ultimately this job is more of a matter of survival and more of a stepping stone towards independence than it is my actual salvation. I'm far from the point where I can say and feel that I have actually "arrived". I was hoping to move onto something better after I completed my degree, but it turns out I am just playing catch-up.

Although I am in a better position in life now than I was being unemployed or under-employed, relatively speaking I'm in no better position financially than I was several years ago. If anything, the cost of living has gone up and so has my debt because I've borrowed against my credit cards to finance my last quarter at school and to help cover other expenses. That and the fact that I had to move back in with my mom and the fact that I'm stuck here until I can get my shit in order has been a source of major frustration lately. It feels like like I stumbled and took a huge fall and I'm running and struggling only to find myself just barely caught up in life.

I guess that's why I've actually entertained the possibility of another job offer for the first time since I've gotten hired back in February. Recently, there was a potential job offer from Accenture, one of the top technological consulting firms in the US. Apparently there are hundreds of entry-level job that are opening up to help position their company for anticipated company growth. A secondary recruitment firm was hired by Accenture to field and screen potential candidates and they pulled my resume from my school's online Monster Trak account. They had considered me, based on my qualifications, as a potential candidate. Although I'm OK with the job I have now, I'm not really working in the field that I have been studying for and I would say that I'm only working at a fraction of my potential. I'm hungry, motivated and capable of so much more and with my foot in the door in a company like Accenture, it would have been a huge leap for me career wise.

Alas, none of it was really meant to be, although my resume garnered some initial interest, I was at the point where I filled out and submitted a pre-qualification form to that recruiting firm. Just when I thought things were going so well, I got automatically eliminated because my overall GPA (2.59) was below some cutoff point (I'm assuming it's somewhere between 3.0 and 3.5) for potential recruits. I mean never mind that I've got mostly A's for the past 5 years I've been at school and that the GPA from my major courses was over 3.76 while holding down a full-time job to pay for it all.

The fact that I was a total fuck up in college in the beginning of my college career has finally caught up with me. I guess there are just some things that you just can't turn around no matter how hard you try. The thing is had they given me an interview, I have the feeling that I could have nailed it. I'm not my fucking GPA damnit! I guess that's why I'm looking forward to my return to school in September. It would be sooner, but I'm slowly paying off the debt of my final quarter in school. I'll be paid off in August just in time to register for the Fall quarter. I think that once I have my Master's degree to strive for, I'll start feeling better about myself because at least I'm doing something about my life.

Being aligned in one aspect of my life, unfortunately doesn't always align things in the bigger picture. No matter how bad ass I pretend to be and no matter how much I claim to to be better off alone there is always going to be a part of me that is going to crave female presence in my life and every moment I spend alone is a moment spent suffering and feeling empty inside. It sucks because realistically speaking, I'm not all that attractive to the opposite sex. I mean sure I may be cute enough to attract female attention for like 2 minutes or so, but because of the kind of person I am or am not, I almost invariably do something to fuck up and the attraction almost always goes nowhere significant. I guess we all have our weaknesses and females will always be my weakness.

On a good day (or night), with enough drinks poured in me, I might have a small chance of holding the attention of a female. I don't know, I think it's just fucking silly how shy I get in front of someone I'm attracted to. I don't know what it is about me but I can almost swear that my shyness is contagious to the point that I literally scare off any potential interest a female can possibly have for me. Welcome to my world.

With the way things have been going 99% of my life, I guess I'm going to have to get used to the idea of living without the presence of a female in my life for now, because really what choice do I have? I just wish that I didn't miss her touch so much. I wish I didn't long so much for her kiss. I wish my heart weren't so empty without her near me. I think the saddest part is that she doesn't even have a name or a face. It's just some stupid ideal that I'm holding onto in my head. Sometimes I get teased and hypnotized by the glimmer of some girl's sexy blue eyes reminding me how I feel about women, but eventually I find her leaving my life just as quickly as she came. I want to say something, but really what the fuck do I say?

I can get straight A's from now until I complete my Master's degree. I can philosophize the intricacies of the universe. I can take the road less traveled and walk the path of he profound and I could provide to those who ask some of the best advice a person can give to another. In writing I can be exquisite with my words. But ultimately, when it comes to women, it turns out that I'm a complete and utter retard. I've been this way ever since I could remember and in all likeliness I'm probably going to be this way for the rest of my life.

I know, it sucks but really this is me, this is who I am. If someone hits me in the back of my head and the resulting concussion somehow alters my personality so that I'm suddenly more confident with women then I'll cease being me and there's a part of me who likes the kind of person I am with all the obvious flaws. I don't know, I just wish someone else would like me for who I am too, you know in that sexual way. Either that or hit me in the back of the head with a huge steel pipe. Who knows? Maybe a personality transplant via concussion would be a good thing for me don't you think?