Yo, it's me again, derrick, the guy that occasionally comes by and writes in this blog. So anyway, I've been doing quite a bit of soul-searching. I tend to do that a lot when I'm not getting laid and if you look back at my past entries a good 99% of it has a similar level of soul-searching, which if one were inclined to do the math, it could be surmised from the magnitude of soul-searching-like entries that I don't get laid very often if at all. A tragic circumstance indeed, at least I think it is since I'm not the one getting laid.

Except for a very small handful of friends and perhaps few curious people giving my blog the occasional glance, I don't really expect this blog to be read anyone. If anything this diary acts more or less like a series of signposts through the path that I left behind me as I try to journey onward through life. I can occasionally glance back to see where I am relative to where I've been and I can have a better idea of whether I'm making progress or if I am just going in circles.

Lately it feels like I've been going in circles. My entries are usually a re-hash of the same idea, a reminiscing of the same pain and the same worry that I have always been having. In an effort to turn things around and perhaps point myself in some new direction I thought I would try and focus on what I have done right and what I am doing right instead of being all negative about myself like I usually am.

Although at the moment it seems like I have only had only brief and momentary flashes of it, I have indeed felt and known how to love consummately and I have felt and know how to be loved in the same way. Though I know that such overwhelmingly beautiful feelings are rarely meant to last forever, at least I know by experience that they do exist and I can hold on to the hope that it may once again happen for me someday.

I also know that though, I am partnerless in the moment (one really huge and unbearably lingering moment I might add) I know that as long as I draw breath there is always the chance that I can reclaim my glory as the passionate lover. Really it's just a matter of running into someone with the same wants and needs as me. I think that people who loved once in their lives don't forget how to love, they just forget TO love. It can be messy and scary and overwhelming and depending on the situation it can turn one's entire life upside down.

Personally, I want to ride that rollercoaster again. I don't care if there are no seatbelts or safety harnesses. Although I'll be holding on with all my strength, I don't care if I fall, I just want to be on that ride and you know what? It will happen, I'm just waiting for my next chance to jump on. I know I've been a little tentative in the past and I've had a multitude of missed opportunities but I'm ready to just leave that all behind and look forward.

I say fuck it. I say whatever happens, happens. I say be ready for anything and whatever it is I want to do or make out of my life, I am just going to fucking do it. Stop asking questions, stop over-thinking situations, stop second-guessing and start making that blind leap into whatever I want to leap into. Anyway, I'm done babbling for today so for my first step I'm going to leap out of work and into the weekend. Ciao baby...