Wow, can you believe it�s been exactly a month since my last entry? It�s been a while since I�ve gone that long without an entry, usually I feel the need a week or two after the last one. Lately, I guess I�m running out of interesting things to write about in my life. *sigh*

Anyway, I�ve actually been meaning to write something sooner, but I guess life also has a way of diverting one�s attention. Speaking of which, last Thursday morning, I woke up from a pretty intense dream. In the dream I ran into my cousin and best friend, Ray who died around 4 years ago. Damn, I can�t fucking believe 4 years have passed by. It�s way too fucking surreal.

I remember the feeling I had in my dream quite vividly, like running into someone with whom you haven't seen in a very long time and whom you totally miss. It's almost like picking up right where you left off. I remember him being dressed really sharp like he usually did, in a black turtleneck and black sport coat. He kind of looked like James bond or someone out of the Matrix something. I was like damn, nice outfit bro. =p

In the dream I gave him a huge hug followed by the perplexing question, dude, where the fuck have you been? It�s been so fucking long. I thought you were dead? Before he could answer the reality and gravity of that question snapped me out of my dream and back into the waking world around 5:00am or so, a good 30 min before my alarm would normally go off. I tried to slip back into my dream, but by then it was too late, reality sunk in way too heavily.

It's weird because I'd only dream about him, or at the very least I�d only recall dreaming of him once in a blue moon. It really isn't that often probably more than a year or two since I�ve has a similar dream about him. When he does come up in my dreams however, the feelings are pretty fucking intense. It was like at that very moment, I felt his presence, as if he was really there.

It really chokes me up when I think of how tight our friendship was. He was like a brother to me, a brother that I never had and it chokes me up even more to know that he is no longer among the living. It�s tough to even fathom the idea of moving on considering there will ever be a relationship quite like we had that can ever fill that void. Somehow when I think of his death, it always feels like some grand universal mistake or error, which tragically cannot be reversed and after which nothing can ever feel right thereafter.

It's even weirder having him not around all these years and getting somewhat used to the idea of being alone and not having him be there as a friend, only to have him come up in some random dream and having all those feelings just come back almost out of the blue. It's moments like these where I truly know the meaning of the term "bittersweet" by being reminded of the beauty of the friendship we once had and being reminded at almost the same moment that the friendship is now just a memory.

What�s even weirder is that the 4th year anniversary of his death is coming up on June 17th. I haven�t really visited his grave after the funeral. The last time was the birthday after his death. I guess it�s time I visited his grave again. I�ll probably go in Friday, after work.

So Ray, I know you are dead and all and it's kind of fucked up how you left this world, almost too soon, not just for you because you were way to fucking young for that shit, but for all those you left behind. Still, I want you to know that you are totally welcome to visit me in my dream state or wherever you choose to manifest your spirit. A friendship like ours shouldn't die just because your body has passed on. I take little joy in going on with life without my best friend to enjoy it with, but I will do my best only because I know you would have wanted it that way.