Man I tell ya, when life sucks, it really sucks hard, like a fuckin' black hole. Nothing, even light can escape its gravity. You are probably asking yourself, what the fuck is he talking about? I was about to ask myself the same question. I suppose there are many factors that can attribute to my life sucking so badly, but I'll spare you the endless list of boring details and narrow it all down to one. Sex, or more accurately the lack thereof. Can you believe it's been more than a year since I've had any sex or any sort of sexual contact for that matter? Well if you know the kind of guy I am, it's probably easy to believe.

I have a theory. I think I have the reverse black hole thing going for me as far as sex goes. Pussy can be flying towards me at the speed of light and thanks to my uber-powerful reverse-gravitational repulsion [TM] that pussy is deflected from me with the greatest of ease. Hi, I'm derrick and I am my own personal cock block. I don't have any other explanation for it. You know that pep talk Trent gave Mike in the movie Swingers?

When you go up to talk to her man, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Your a bad man, your a bad man, your a bad man...

Well, I have a theory. As much as I want to be "the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet", I think I'm actually the guy in the PG-13 movie, the guy everyone's really hoping makes it happen. It seems like everyone around me has been adopting a "pet" concern for my sexual well-being, so much so that it's almost sick. My bodybuilding cousin says I should start working out and start being more aggressive with women. My younger 20 something cousin whom I party with hands me the "inside scoop" on which of her friends is the sluttiest and easiest to bang, which normally would be really good information if any of them gave me the time of day. My uncle pulls me over and starts giving me advice on how to land a chick. Even my mom is in on it, the last blind date she set me up on wound up being a complete and utter disaster, but I know in the back of her mind she's looking for the next blind date disaster to unleash upon me. I think my priest is rooting for me too, under the table though because fornication is somewhat of a sin. My grandmother (God rest her soul), if she were still alive, she'd be rooting for me too. I can hear her now, "Hijo, why don't you get married and make me some grandchildren?", "Howcome you do not have a girlfriend? Are you backla (gay)?" *sobs crocodile tears uncontrollably*.

You see, everyone who knows me wants me to have some action. I think it's mostly out of pity. Well you know what, I don't need your pity. What I really need right now is charity, that's right, I need money. For every dollar you donate to my cause, that dollar will go to a fund that will help me pay for clean, STD tested prostitution. GIVE DERRICK A HAPPY ENDING!!! I'm kidding of course, unless you were actually going to give me cash and if you were, by all means please deposit it all in my wallet so I can afford to drink myself silly and perhaps forget the fact that I've been celibate for over a year and counting.

What really sucks is my brain. My brain knows that sex is not the "end all" and "be all" of human existence and for the life of me, I do not want sex to be the ultimate goal of my life. Sure sex feels good and sex in the right moments and with the right person can make life so utterly and ridiculously beautiful. Despite all that, I know that ultimately I want more out of life than just sex. The problem remains however, that sex is still on my brain and it is something fierce like some ferocious, uncontrollable beast. When I meet a girl, part of me wants to get to know her as a person, part of me wants to get to know her as a friend, to share moments of happiness with her. But then "the beast" emerges, the beast is not concerned with getting to know her as a person and has little if any interest in gaining her friendship. All the beast is concerned with is how I can get into her panties and make some wild, rough animal sex with her.

It's an interesting dilemma to say the least. You could say that my brain is so complex that I can't help but continually and utterly cock block myself. You could go so far as to say that I'm totally fucked in the head, and I'd have little or no arguments against that statement. Hey, at least I'm getting fucked in some way. =p Anyway, the main purpose of this entry, which was to unload has been skillfully carried out. According to my Magic 8-Ball [TM], my sexual "outlook is fuzzy at best". So maybe I'm going to bang a chick who doesn't shave her pubes in the near future. It doesn't hurt to think positive right? ;) So anyway, I'm out of here, I need to spank the monkey and shower. *BAD MONKEY*