I was originally working on a really long blog entry, at least several weeks in the making, on and off of course. The blog was growing really long, alternating between near endless droning and intimately personal writing. That particular blog is not finished yet and I�m struggling between trying to get some heavy thoughts off my chest and submitting a really long, but somehow, despite the length an ultimately incomplete feeling entry. There�s also the issue of me trying to guard my personal thoughts by censoring myself and editing the content for public viewing and thus diluting my original thoughts.

Ultimately I�m settling with creating a clean new entry for the express purposes of unloading my thoughts. Perhaps I�ll post the �unabridged� version of my thoughts at a later time when I revise it and am happy with the flow of thoughts, but for now I need to come out clean with a few things that have stuck in my mind like a splinter under my skin.

One of the things that have been getting to me is my long-standing slump with the opposite sex. I won�t put a time frame on it because quite frankly it�s embarrassing for a guy to go on for so long without female companionship and thinking about it too much, makes me seem to focus everything in my life in a negative light, so much so that it really does a number on my unsteady male ego.

There have been dozens of thoughts swimming in my head to resolve this issue, everywhere from taking a vow of celibacy and joining some obscure monastery to chant mantras and meditate for the rest of my life to just going �gung-ho� so to speak, drop whatever standards I think I may have down to zero and either just go at it with the first person that shows any signs of interest, or even better hire �professional� help and score some quality sex at an hourly rate.

In all my contemplation and introspection I still haven�t come up with any viable solution to my conundrum other than to just take as step back and just go with the flow. As time progresses, the concept of relationship is becoming an increasingly foreign concept to me. Of course there is still part of me that remembers, even misses what it�s like to be intimately related to someone else.

The self-image I�m really trying to avoid, however true it may be, is the idea that the fact that I�ve been alone for such a long time is due not a fluke, but an outward flaw in the kind of person I am as if people were a mirror and the image reflected back to me is one of an ugly person that is to be avoided at all costs. It�s tough to maintain a positive self-image when that kind of negativity creeps up in my thoughts.

The more I think about it however, the more I start to realize that now perhaps it simply not my time and the people around me who I think I�m attracted to are simply not the ones to are to be my next partner (much to my dismay because I think they are totally hot). Maybe there is something else that I need to do, somewhere else I need to go, some other thought I need to focus on other than the conquest and acquisition of females.

Whatever it is I need to be doing is still in question, but in the Zen-like notion I must first empty my cup before I can fill it with fill it with something else. Maybe there�s a higher path I need to seek, or at the very least a different path. Honestly, I don�t know where to go from here, all I know is that I need to go in a different direction than the one I�ve been traveling all this time�