These past few months have been hectic to say the least. Lots of stuff happened from my last entry to this one and I've actually started listing down my daily happenings. The problem was as time went on, things that seemed interesting at the time had fallen to the wayside and the writing I have compiled thus far started to look a lot like a day log, which in itself is not a bad thing, it was just getting long, ugly and turned more into a chore than the usual blog writing enjoyment.

So I've decided to do the "super-lite" version of what I meant to write and go on from there. The past month and a half was hectic in that there were quite a few things going on that prevented me from relaxing and being my normal couch-dwelling self. There were friends and family over from a week before Thanksgiving and some stuff thereafter. Most of my weekends and even some weekdays were filled with socialization among various friends. Those days, although hectic weren't anywhere near exciting or extraordinarily out of the usual, so I'll spare you all of the boring details.

Things of note that have happened since my last full entry I have posted are as follows:

• I aced my Database Technology class but I tanked my Financial Accounting class during the midterm so I wound up dropping in the middle of the term with a W grade. I'm not exactly proud of the dropped class but I've already beaten myself up over it, forgiven myself and have ultimately paid the price for it by being recently put on student aid probation for dropping below half-time. On the plus, my GPA is 4.0 for that one class, the first time in over a decade. With any luck and persistence I'll be able to maintain that GPA throughout my Master's.
  
  As a result of my dropped class debacle, I have re-assessed my own strengths and weaknesses and have decided to change my major from a Master's in Business Information Technology, which is half business and half computer/technical to a Master's in Information Systems, which is purely computer/technical. Although I probably could have stuck it out with the former degree, on a financial level, I simply can't risk having to drop anymore classes trying to learn business on a master's degree level. Continued failure is not an option because I can't afford to drop any more classes and risk losing my financial aid. I also want to keep my GPA up because with my lack of experience in the the IT field (aside from the stuff I do in Tech support, which is basically the bottom rung of the IT ladder), I'll need the high marks to get an edge in the IT job market.



• Somewhere in the beginning of the month I had LASIK surgery. For those who haven't heard of it, it's basically a surgical procedure performed with a laser to re-shape your cornea and correct your vision. In my case I got surgery to correct my near-sightedness and as a result I don't need glasses or contacts anymore. Although my vision is near perfect in the day, at night I see "halos" around light sources like street lamps and distant car headlights. The doctor reassured me that those symptoms will go away when my eyes completely heal, which is in about 4 to 6 months. Aside from the temporary annoyances with my night-vision, this is seriously one of the best things I've done for myself and I'd recommend the procedure to anyone contemplating it.
  
  
• Aside from those things, I've decided to make a few changes blogging-wise. For the better part of this year I've been maintaining a parallel blog in myspace, meaning whatever I've been blogging here, I've also been blogging on my profile on myspace. It was an experiment of sorts to see if I could draw more readers to what I've been blogging lately. Although my "friends" list on myspace has grown rather large, most of the people on there are teens, aspiring bands, promoters and who indiscriminately add friends to either gain numbers on their friends list or to establish a network of people for their various promotions, people who wouldn't necessarily be interested in what I blog anyway.
  
  What I didn't expect from myspace was me connecting with people whom I actually know in "real life" through myspace. It seems like everyone with a net connection has a myspace and as your age slides over to the teens the chance that you have a myspace seems to exponentially increase. Although part of my interest is piqued at the thought of people potentially reading what I blog, I found that in actuality I began censoring my own blogs for fear that people in real life might actually read it would begin to be privy to some of my deepest thoughts and especially my rants. Although I do shy away from using actual names in my blogs, it wouldn't take a genius to figure out from my writing whether or not I was blogging about you.
  
  Although a potential audience was a definite perk of blogging all my thoughts and ideas, my primary purpose, which was to allow my thoughts to flow freely into words and produce a catharsis was being compromised because someone I might have known only on a casual level potentially had access to my most profound of thoughts and I was censoring myself accordingly. Whenever I released my thoughts into my blog, no matter how bitter or tough life seemed to have been, I've always felt better after I blogged about it, provided I could write freely about it. I don't think I could have dealt with the tragic occurrences in my life such as the death of my best friend Ray if I didn't have this outlet to vent my thoughts and feelings. Although this blog has fallen to the wayside these past few years, diaryland was my first true blog and I would be amiss if I didn't redirect some of my creative my energy back to this blog, especially since the myspace blog turned out to be a bust.

Moving right along, I've discovered an unusual thing this holiday season as opposed to the last few. It seems I'm lacking my usual feelings of holiday-induced depression. I mean it's a vast improvement over last holiday season, when I was totally depressed with me being laid off and working part-time underemployed and not being able to get the people I love any presents on my own along with the usual sadness of going on yet another year of spending the holidays minus my best friend, the fact that I'm on an even keel this holiday season is just a bit out of the ordinary. I'm not going to go so far as to say that I'm elated with the holidays, but I'm also not in the "find the tallest building and take a swan dive off of it" kind of mood either. Not thinking about my own death and finding ways to cause it is a good thing I would imagine. Considering it was around the time of my birthday (and Ray's), as recent as last October since I've felt that kind of depression, I'd also like to think of that as a good thing. As I mentioned earlier, part of my depression was because of Ray's death and the absence of his friendship in my life. Although he is still in my thoughts and feelings, I think I'm actually starting to open my mind and heart to new possibilities.

I know there will never be a friendship quite like the one I had with him but I know there are still potential for friendships out there of different kinds, and if I don't start exploring those possibilities, I'll forever be the same shy, quiet, introspective and introverted Derrick I have always been. Not that he's a bad guy or anything but there's always room to grow and improve and the only person who can assure something like that can happen is me.

That is part of the reason in a fairly recent shift of my philosophy regarding the opposite sex. I'd be lying if I told you that female companionship and thoughts of really hot and nasty sex with said female companionship wasn't constantly on my mind. The problem is that females, especially the ones I'm physically and mentally attracted to, don't seem to dig me that way. Women in general seem to think I'm this extraordinarily nice guy and somehow I always seem to land in the "friendship zone" with most if not all of them.

Case and point was the "go-go dancer" chick that I was lucky enough to play "tonsil hockey" with on my b-day. It turns out it was her excessive inebriation and not my rugged good looks and boyish charm that was the underlying cause of us locking lips that evening. The times I've seen her thereafter, even the time I rescued her from her flat tire in the cold dead of the night, haven't been quite the same. Honestly, I think that moment was blacked out of her memory because of how much she drank.

It's tough to have to look into someone's eyes a certain way and not have that person look at you the same way. Sometimes I wish she was able to remember what I had experienced and felt what I had felt that night because it was a really nice feeling, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be that way. Whatever the case may be, I'll just have to take the situation for what it was, a really nice albeit fleeting experience, at least from my perspective it was. On the positive side the whole experience helped me break a really long-standing kissing slump and in turn granted me a boost of much needed confidence. In the end though, if she can't remember what our lips felt like sliding together, if she can't remember our tongues intermingling with each other, if she can't remember the rush and the tingle of our bodies rubbing together because she was too damn drunk, then it's her fucking loss and not mine.

Even with her aside and my focus diverted to other females, it seems that the trend of thinking of the opposite sex towards me is that of friendship. I'm not the guy they want to have a wild passionate fling with; rather I'm the guy whom they want to talk to when things go sour with the other guy, or the drinking buddy they keep around because I'm fun to talk to. I think it's because I'm generally not the jealous or judgmental type of person and I'm pretty much just there to listen.

It's a weird thing because on one hand, I don't have any overwhelming need to be anyone's father figure or big brother. I have enough women in my life and in my family that I can take care of already in that way. Because they happen to be family, that level of friendship by nature already exists on a purely platonic level. On the other hand, this can be a great opportunity not only to fill the friendship void in my life that Ray had left in his passing, but also a unique opportunity for me to gain some insight on the ever-elusive female psyche.

So far the results are not all that promising. It seems like I'm not gaining the immediate attention of females and the most obvious explanation is that I'm not in my prime physical shape. It's funny because back in the day when I was younger and leaner I didn't even have to try. All it took was a stare, I knew that if I had contact with her eyes then I had her. It wasn't just one type of woman either, it across the board, different backgrounds, ethnicities and relationship states. Not that I have any overwhelming regrets about it, but I spent most of my physical prime in a long-term steady relationship so even though I was able to catch the vibe of all these women, I wasn't able to really do anything about it. My ex was the kind of girl that inspired jealousy in her partners, but when it came to us she kept me jealously guarded. It was a unique experience to say the least.

I find it amazing how 30 or so extra pounds of body fat can transform me from a babe magnet to a guy who is virtually invisible to women in terms of attractiveness. It is through this very experience I have discovered that people in general are just way to fucking shallow and superficial. People put way too much emphasis on physical beauty while virtually ignoring other more important aspects of a person. physical appearance, in my experience at least, seems to be the absolute worst way of judging another human being. Still, I and I'm willing to bet everyone else around me keeps making the same mistake of judging others based on how they look and they do it over and over and over again. We crave and nurture our beauty, wealth and fame in whatever way we can and somehow we neglect what is really important and allow the other more profound things inside of us to die very slowly.

The resolution, at least superficially lies in me losing all this extra body fat and achieving the state of physical beauty I once enjoyed. I know if I approach physical fitness with the same intensity I approach my education and my career I probably wouldn't even be talking about this. The problem is that work and school continue to be my priority above all else. If I take on physical training as well other aspects of my life will suffer, at least while I'm adjusting to my new routine. I'm a little older so it's going to take about a month before my body conditioned enough to sustain a workout long enough to sufficiently to burn calories and body fat. It's that month of pain that I dread, especially when my mind and my energy are focused on doing as well as possible in school.

And even if I am physically fit, the fact remains that in terms of female selection, I have been so terribly off in my judgment of women that I shouldn't even begin to trust my own instincts. I recognize the fact that I have historically selected females based mostly on their looks and I'm realizing now more than ever that it often leads to unfavorable results such as a blindsidedly broken heart and it is those very reasons that I have shifted my thinking and goals regarding females. Although I do have a strong drive towards sexual conquest being a healthy male who hasn't been getting his fill of sexual gratification, I see the need to suppress my drive to want bang every female with a nice ass within viewing distance.

I also realize that what I want out of women are the same thing most other guys want from women and that is of course sex. In order to distinguish myself among the multitude of guys wanting the exact same thing that I do, I have to somehow prove that I am different, that I have more depth and substance that I'm not just some biological machine waiting for the next chance to unleash my sperm upon the next unsuspecting female. In order for me to set myself apart from most other guys is de-prioritize the need for sex in my life.

I'm not going to pretend this is going to be a simple task for me because I'm still a healthy, living, breathing virile guy but in the larger picture the wisdom seems undeniable. Women have a tendency to want to be my friend and just my friend, they seem to think I'm a nice, shy and quiet guy and because of all that, they seem to have a greater degree of trust with me like I'm the big brother they never had. If this is all they want from me then fine, I'm willing to play along, build closeness and trust, keep it all on the friendship tip and in the process I will hopefully gain insight into that ever elusive female psyche.

Perhaps, once I have my life altogether, physically, emotionally and career-wise and maybe if I run into that one woman who is differently driven than all those I've met before and is able to recognize and appreciate the kind of guy I am on the inside and out, then hopefully I'll also have learned what it takes to make her happy as well on levels she has only dreamt of. That's how the theory goes anyway. I do have to admit, at this very moment, I haven't the slightest clue of what women really want out of a guy. Up to this point, it's been largely a series of guesses for me and most of the time my guesses are just plain wrong becaust that's just how great of a fuck up I am with females. The good news is I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance! ;)

The bottom line is that, for now while women I'm attracted to seem to show a lack of interest in me sexually, I will return the favor and show at least in practice, lack of sexual interest in them and continue my already long standing trend of celebacy. This time however my celebacy is going to be by choice and not by circumstance. This isn't some idle threat or a wierd attempt at reverse-psyhcology. Rather it is me adapting my mind and spirit to what the world and those in it seems to be throwing at me. Somewhere in the process I hope to find happiness and self-fulfilment without the need of someone else to cling to and without having to blindly follow my libido down the same paths that have already caused me huge amounts of regret, or so my celebate theory goes...

Anyway, I'm just rambling on at this point so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead of myself and call it a night. Happy holidays to those who celebrate it, oh and to those who read me, thanks for reading. I'd hate to think I'm going nuts and just rambling on and on to myself about nothing. Alright, fuck! goodbye now!!! =p