I woke up this morning from an unusual dream. Actually it's not all that unusual considering I have been having occasional recurring dreams about Ray, my best friend who passed away almost 5 years ago. The dreams usually involve some normal interaction between us, something that would have happened when he was still alive, like us just hanging out or driving around and having our usual mindless conversation of which female celebrity we would rather bang. It would be almost like he had never passed away. In those dreams it would always be like meeting with a close friend whom you haven't seen in a very long time and just picking up right where you left off. I guess it's only natural because that's how our friendship always was, especially when he was alive. But then, somewhere in the middle of whatever we were doing within the dream, I'd realize that he was dead and this must not be real and somehow I'd snap right back into the waking world along with being reminded of that painful feeling in my heart that Ray is no longer alive and those really cool times we once had can only recur in that ever-fading dream state.

In this particular dream I was playing chess with Ray. I don't know if I was winning or losing, but I did know I was being careful with each move because chess is a serious game in my family and Ray was a rather good chess player. Although chess is a rather mentally engaging game, the usual subject of my recurring dreams with Ray came to light. "Dude, what's going on here? Aren't you dead?" This time instead of me just waking up however, he actually replied something like "Do I look dead?" In the dream he of course looked very much alive, but at the moment of the dream I didn't really appreciate the humor nor did I fully realize the irony of the situation. Instead I got rather emotional at his retort, saying things in the dream like "Look, I felt your cold dead hand when the doctor pronounced to the waiting family and friends that you were dead! I saw everyone including myself grieve for you at your wake, I carried your casket as a pall bearer at your fucking funeral and I saw your coffin being put into the wall of the fucking mausoleum. Don't fuck with me like this man!" He changed the subject quickly as if time was seemingly running out and told me to simply look out for his brother.

It was around that time, approximately 4:00 am this morning, a good hour and thirty minutes before my alarm would normally go off, that I woke up confused and mentally regrouping from what just happened in my dream,� something that felt as real emotionally as reality could ever get. I'm not sure what to make of these dreams or why Ray has been recurring in them. Right now, I'm at a time where I'm at relative peace with myself and with the idea that Ray is no longer around and I'm doing my best a guy can do to move on with my life to find my own happiness and build my own friendships outside of what I had with Ray. I think I'm getting along just fine then suddenly I'm haunted by his memory again. I guess I shouldn't look at it as something bad, because every memory I've had of him was a good one. Even when we fought as kids, making up was second nature. There could never be any grudge between us during life so there is absolutely no reason that should change in death.

I got to say, that was a fucking good friendship though. I don't make it a habit of dwelling in the past and I try not to waste my time thinking back and pondering all those silly "what if I did things differently?" type questions. I know my past has made me into the person I am today and I know that there's always room to grow and improve, but for the most part I like the person whom I've become. Still, if I could go back and change one event in my life I would try to stop Ray from dying and that's the fucking truth. There are times I would even go so far to say that if I could trade places with him I'd do so in a heartbeat because when he died part of me died right along with him and I don't think I could ever feel quite as whole again. I know that for whatever happiness life has to offer there is also sadness and pain, for every feeling of enlightenment and fulfillment there is feelings of darkness and emptiness. I have fear that for as long as I live and breathe the sadness, pain, darkness and emptiness will always be in my life and will never disappear. It kind of makes things difficult to just "move on"

Anyway, my state of mind is not the main issue here I know life sucks and I'm trying my best to live with it. What I'm trying to focus on is the last part of my dream, the one about me looking out for his brother. One small problem is that he didn't quite specify which brother he was referring to. There's his full brother who throughout childhood had a fierce and unfriendly sibling rivalry. Although they managed to stop bickering as they had gotten older, they had never gotten as close as two brothers should have been. The fact that his brother was bossy, adversarial, competitive for attention, confrontational and just downright bitchy didn't help matters much. Not to sound stereotypical, but it all seemed to make sense when he came out of the closet and declared he was gay. Ever since Ray's brother "outed" himself, he seemed to drift apart from the family in order to find a deeper degree of acceptance outside of the family and in the gay community. I wouldn't know the first thing to say to him in order to get closer but I'm willing to give it a try.

Then there's his half-brother who just turned 20. He seems like a smart kid and he knows that he has to succeed in school in order to get by. He's also gotten into the recreational drug scene and through hearsay he deals on the side. He also seems to be into gambling and it's all coming at him at such an early age. I can probably tell you right now that I'm probably not his role model and unless I'm talking about drinking, cars or chicks he probably isn't very interested in what I have to tell him, but still I want to be there for him, for the sake of Ray. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do exactly but I'm going to at least try to make some kind of effort to get closer to him.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm a little tired so I'll stop rambling now. The New Year is just around the corner. I've got some sweet party plans coming up and the premium open bar party at the Hilton is the perfect prescription to drown my troubles away, at least temporarily and as the New Year rings in I hope it brings with it newer and better possibilities instead of the same old tired, bitter and ugly bullshit I've been forced to swallow for so long...