It�s been unusually tiresome for me these past few weeks. Work has been unusually busy and I seem to always be playing catch-up for school. It seems like there are never enough hours in the day and it seems like I�m spending most of my waking hours just trying to stay afloat. I guess I�m just not into my classes this quarter and I�m pretty much just going through the motions to insure a passing grade for myself. I do know one thing. I am totally looking forward to the end of this quarter and the beginning of summer break. I just need to hang in there for a few more weeks.

Although a half-a-month (15 days to be exact) has already passed, the death of my grandfather has definitely taken its toll on my being. It truly feels like part of me died when he passed on, as if I no longer feel like a whole person. The only solace I have taken is the fact that he has been suffering in terms of health in the past few years of his life and his passing has also brought an end to his suffering. In that sense my grandfather�s death was different from Ray, my best friend�s death, who passed on way before his time.

It�s difficult trying to come to grips living in a world without my grandparents, the same people who raised and nurtured me with their love. There are moments that I kind of wish I had my act together, because I would have wanted them to see me with the woman I love and eventually marry (and not crash and burn like my last marriage). I would have wanted to share with them the joy of having great-grandchildren. In a way I can kind of see why they were so resistant to the idea of me getting a divorce. At the time I thought it was a bunch of old-fashioned, religiously motivated bullshit, but now I�m kind of getting the idea that life is just too fucking short especially for them who will be missing out on hopefully the better parts of my life, because I�ve been such a fucking slacker.

I don�t know, it�s been almost 5 years since Ray�s death and I don�t think I�m even completely over that. His passing changed my life and not necessarily for the better, unless of course you consider being intimately aware of pain, suffering and loss a good thing. It�s hard to maintain a positive outlook being surrounded by all this death and the feelings of pain and emptiness in death�s aftermath.

I do know one thing. I can�t allow this experience to cripple me on the inside like it did when Ray passed away. I�ve already lived too long having too much sadness. Because I loved them so much I can�t allow the deaths of those I loved result in a lifetime of sadness. I�m realizing now, more than ever, that the hurt that I feel inside is because the love between me and those who passed on was so profound. In other words, if I wasn�t so privileged to share the joy of their presence in my life, then I wouldn�t be capable of experiencing the pain, now that their physical presence is gone.

I guess the big question would be �Is it worth it?� Is it worth risking all that emotional pain, just so that you can experience all that joy? It�s been one of those unspoken questions that have been floating around in my subconscious. It�s a tough question considering you are basically gambling your very life with stakes more precious than money, your heart is now on the table and the wager is joy vs. sadness. You can choose not to play the game at all, risk nothing and ultimately wind up feeling nothing.

I�m not sure if I want to live that way, but I do believe that is the essence of life, the struggle between joy and sadness. You have to be willing to take those risks despite the pain. In the end I do think it was worth it, every moment of it, even the most painful parts. Although I feel battered, broken and empty on the inside, I still want to share the kind of love and the kind of joy I had experienced with those who passed on. It�s the only way I know at least to keep their memory alive, to learn again how to love they way they loved and to share that kind of love with those who are still alive.

Since Ray�s death I�ve been hoping waiting for some grand occurrence that would help pull me out of the dark abyss I seemed to have fallen into but all that I�ve have seemed to encounter is more pain, more loneliness and more death, with the passing of my grandmother and more recently my grandfather. Although, I can�t help but feel sadness at their passing I can�t allow my memory of them to turn sour. Bittersweet maybe, but not sour I mean how could I possible let it be that way?

I learned the meaning of unconditional love because my grandparents, especially my grandfather loved me unconditionally. I experienced one of the truest and best friendships I�m possibly going to ever experience with my life with Ray. Just because their bodies and their physical presence have passed on, it doesn�t mean I can�t continue to share loving and the caring the way that they have with me. If I let that part of me die inside then they in turn will truly be dead. As long as I continue to draw breath, I can�t allow that to happen.

I�m beginning to realize that my Grandfather�s death, as sad and as painful as it may be is ironically that one big event that I have been looking for to turn myself away from the path of sorrow that I have been traveling since Ray�s death. I�ve dwelled too much in death for too long of a time. It�s time for me to meander back into the world of the living. I know that there will never be another Grandpa or another Ray in my lifetime, but as long as I am still here, I must learn to carry on and to share the best parts of what they shared with me to those that are still living. I know it�s a clich�, but �life goes on� and I must go right along with it.