It looks like it�s been a while since my last entry. Although I blogged a bunch of other stuff that last entry, the overwhelming impression I�ve conveyed from people who read it is that I came off sounding bitter. I guess in many ways I have been feeling both bitter and frustrated about certain things in my life. I�ve actually been meaning to write a blog between then and now, but I�ve been having some difficulty organizing my thoughts into words, it�s like I wanted to say something but I really didn�t know how to say it.

So anyway, after that small break from blogging and after a little soul searching, I think I�ve figured out what has been bothering me. I know that I have obvious issues with lack of female companionship, but I think I have some deeper issues that are persisting. I�ll try not to go into specifics because quite frankly I�m a little embarrassed with my situation. I do have to say that the root causes of my issues are not because of lack of opportunities, because they seem to come up all the time, but I never quite jump on those openings for one reason or another. I can also say with relative confidence that I don�t think I�m unattractive to women, at least physically.

I think that somewhere in the back of my head I truly believe that I�m not ready to take on a relationship, even if I loosely define a �relationship� as just me using someone else for sex, which I usually don�t, because really I�m not into that whole one night stand thing. It�s just that being without that physical intimacy for such a long time is just messing with my chemistry somehow. It�s hard to not think about it. What�s worse is that all I�ve been doing lately is replacing the missing oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins and adrenaline with alcohol caffeine and nicotine. Although they are OK for occasional recreation, they are poor substitutes for the neuro-chemicals released during sexual acts. And with all that said I�ve just reduced the sexual act to that of a drug. Sorry, I didn�t mean for it to come off sounding like that, but like I said, my head is pretty fucked up at the moment.

I guess what I�m trying to say is that although I�m obviously ready to go physically in terms of sex, psychologically I�m not so sure and with those two halves of myself going in opposite directions, I feel like I�m tearing myself apart. Aside from wanting some sort of change in my life, really I don�t know what to do or where to go. I�m lost and I�m just going though the motions right now. Hopefully I�m able to feel my way though all this bullshit and find myself in the process.

What I need to do is get the little hamster wheel in my evil little mastermind running again and focus, not on taking over the world, but just taking back my life. I have to start setting some goals up for myself outside of work and school, which at the moment are fine. Women will always be an enigma to me, so fine let it be that way. Before I can conquer anyone, I need to conquer myself first and that my friends, is my challenge of this moment...