As long as I can remember I�ve always had trouble in terms of picking up the opposite sex. I�d say that the small handful of times I was actually successful with females was more a matter of luck than anything else. I guess shyness is not the most endearing quality for a guy and even now, with all that I�ve lived through and learned in my life thus far, I haven�t quite broken out of my shell. It�s tough having to live with such a barrier around you. It�s almost like my own little invisible prison cell following me around wherever I walk. The worst thing is I don�t really have anyone to blame for this imprisonment except myself.

I used to hold this belief in the not so distant past that my lack of success in the female department was due to the fact that I was simply not attractive to the opposite sex and because of that I was somehow invisible to them. I guess part of that equation holds true. I remember through the tail end of my marriage and subsequent divorce and a very long dry spell after, I was depressed and that depression affected how I looked in facial expression and it probably contributed greatly to how much extra pounds I�ve put on during the time. This is not to say that I�m as lean as I was in my 20�s. I�m still a heavyweight according to the scale, but for some reason I�m carrying it much better now that I did before.

I�m once again starting to get the looks and the attention that I used to enjoy during my twenty-something years, but I�m still somehow carrying the depressed self-defeating mentality that I�ve been carrying around during the darker times of my life. Take last Saturday night as an example. I must have had at least 3 separate opportunities (4 if you count the girl with her boyfriend who was throwing me vibe) by doing simple stuff like giving up my seat, lighting cigarettes for females and even just standing by the wall by myself smoking a cigar and zoned out and minding my own business. It�s not just last night though. For the past few months at least, my experiences have been proving to me that my looks are the least of my worries.

I�ve come to the realization that I�ve been missing opportunities left and right because I have absolutely and positively no game whatsoever. Well OK, maybe I have a tiny bit of game, I mean I get the eye-contact and the hello and the first name and maybe a bit of small talk in there, but it�s only a matter of time before I wind up crashing and burning. Alcohol has been a double-edged sword for me when it comes to socializing. It loosens me up to the point where I can walk around and talk to people with no problems, but I lose my ability to carry out even simple strategies. I get over the first few hurdles but I stumble over the last few, which pretty much leaves me right back where I started which is nowhere. The only other substance I�ve tried is weed and that doesn�t really affect my personality unless I take a huge bong hit, the kind of hit that makes your chest burn and makes you cough for 20 minutes after. My coolness factor gets multiplied by ten mostly because that little voice in my head that always makes me second-guess myself shuts the hell up and I just coast along like I don�t have a care in the world. Being a chronic weed smoker is not feasible for me though because I still have a year and a half left in my Master�s and presumably once I finish, I�ll be able to move up to a job that utilizes my talents and constantly challenges me and of course, pays me accordingly and in order to do all that I�ll need all of my brain cells intact.

What I need to do is somehow tap into the �smooth derrick mode� without the use of drugs or alcohol. I know it�s there in me somewhere. I just need to know how to bring that guy out. I don�t want to be a loner forever. It�s one of those things I wish Ray passed along to me before he passed away. That guy, he was just too fucking smooth. I�ve seen his technique, I�ve seen the way he works his magic, but for some reason I can�t bring myself to do what he does at least not as naturally as he would have done it. What I do know is that I have to figure out something.

I�m not going to be young forever and I�m not going to be cute forever and although for the most part I�ve learned how and come to terms with learning to be with myself and learning how to be alone, I know that I don�t want to be alone forever. In order to do that I have to somehow change and evolve myself, don�t be so damn fucking shy. I need to talk a little bit more and maybe drink a little bit less. I�m not exactly sure how to make all of this happen but I think the time for me to at least try to make it happen is long overdue. I can�t go by with the �I don�t care� attitude that I described a few entries ago for the rest of my life, because the fact of the matter is that I do care, otherwise I wouldn�t be writing so much about it. Having all the theories down is one thing. Actually applying those theories and actually changing your life is something entirely different. Since crashing and burning is nothing new to me, there�s nothing for me to really be afraid of is there?