First of all, happy belated thanksgiving for all those stateside who have celebrated it, mine was rather low key considering the whole big family meeting thing that I mentioned last entry has come and gone last weekend and the families more or less did their own thing for thanksgiving. I think the family more or less reached some sort of consensus. Basically nobody wants to sell or at least everyone agreed not to sell the building although there are some members of the family who are in need of the cash at least on the short term so at the very least my childhood home is intact. How long it will remain that way is in the air, but the main concern and consensus for my mom and her siblings is eventually getting the estate under their name as heirs so if something happens it does not go to the state but to the family.

As far as my classes, I completed my final presentation for my group project last Tuesday. Although I haven�t gotten my official grade for it yet, I think we hit this one out of the park. This quarter is seriously the closest I ever had to a perfect quarter in terms of score. For my enterprise project management class I got an A- on one of my papers and the rest have been solid A�s. For my mobile commerce technology class, I scored a 98% on my midterm exam, the rest of my assignments were 100% across the board. All I�m waiting on is the grade for the group project, which will hopefully come soon. Although I can hardly say my life is perfect, I�m glad that I can bring at least one aspect of my life this close to perfection. It really helps keep my mind of the more negative aspects of my life and helps bring me closer to that state of �Zen� I always seem to be striving for on some level.

In other news, it seems I�ve received an unsolicited and rather negative opinion of my diary from someone who was formerly on my favorites list and vice-versa. I have posted my comments about it in that person's comments box. I actually didn�t know this �review� entry existed until a mutual reader of ours tipped me off to it. I find it interesting to say the least that certain people would burn though all that energy generating something that negative about someone else�s blog and in essence someone else�s life. The old me would have probably said, �If I want your opinion I would bitch slap it out of you.� Although delivering a thorough bitch slapping would be highly therapeutic, at least from my end, it�s probably not very constructive. I do have to say one thing however, that person does seem pretty damn honest in the bashing of my blog. Normally you can�t buy that level of honesty and here it is falling in my lap for free.

That level of unsolicited albeit negative honesty, I believe warrants some self-reflection on my part. Am I the same sex-starved guy that started this blog 4+ years ago? My answer to that is I truly don�t believe so. Granted, I more or less still have the same level of sexlessness as when I started this diary, but for the record I could honestly say that my focus has shifted away from blindly seeking basic sexual fulfilment. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say I don�t really know what I truly want in terms of the opposite sex. There may be recurring themes that pop into my entries from time to time in regards to seeking companionship, but I think that�s more a reflection of my basic human need to not feel alone.

All this confusion going on in my head about what I want from a woman and what I want from a relationship is probably a major contributing factor of me being alone right now. I should probably go further on the record and say that sex especially casual sex will probably mess me up on the inside completely because knowing myself I�ll fall in love and either act like a complete fool detached form reality or I'll act like a complete asshole trying to deny that I�m in love. As such it�s probably something I�m not ready for in my life right now. I know because there are times when I do actually have sex, however few and far between those times actually are and I know how I�ve acted when I had it and I�ve had varying experiences throughout the whole relationship spectrum. If all I have to offer in a relationship is this confusion, then I have an ethical obligation to not drag all that baggage into a relationship with a potential partner, unless of course that person knows who I am and where I'm coming from and chooses me anyway flaws and all, but therein lies the rub, how does a shy guy like me open up to someone like that? As far as I know there's no simple answer to any of that.

One thing I will really miss above all else during this self-imposed celibacy while I sort things out in my head is the falling in love part, because damn do I miss falling in love. Sometimes I feel the pangs of that �falling in love� feeling when someone sparks my interest, but because I don�t act on it, whether it�s by choice, or inability or fear is most definitely a recurring and painful theme of my life and when it does happen I will almost certainly write about it, especially if it is nagging at me or bothering me. I do foresee a time when I�m able to overcome all of this, but right now it�s just this huge thing I don't want to touch right now and there are just dozens of smaller issues I need to get out of the way first before I can even think of conquering something so overwhelming in my life. If I do choose to pursue a relationship down the road I will definitely go one step at a time and not have the whole sex thing be the major focus of the relationship. No, I haven�t surrendered, but I do have the need to retreat and regroup to figure out who I really am and what I really want so I think that�s where my life is right now and that's all I have to say about that.