Wow, look at that lovely date on the calendar. I guess it's Labor day. I had a list didn't I? Fuck me, I'm so bad at this fucking list thing. So OK, I didn't get very much accomplished in the way of that list I posted a couple of entries back. Sure, I've tried stuff like working out, but not anything more than twice a week if that. Shit, I haven't even had a chance to play GTA IV because I've barely been in my apartment this past month. I'm going to put aside the list for a moment so I can regroup, set a new date and attack it with much better conviction than the joke of an effort I have given it as of late. I'll get back to you on that once I get all that stuff figured out.

For right now, the only list item I have is to hit the treadmill, daily, no excuses. The weird thing is that I'm not at my fattest, at least compared to how I looked after my divorce, but I looks like I'm at my heaviest weighing in at about 260 pounds. If I were a UFC fighter I'd be at the top of the heavyweight division. I would of course get my ass kicked to hell because I'm so fucking out of shape, but weight-wise, that's where I'm at.

I'm not quite sure how that works out. I'm definitely more active than I used to be. I've been walking everywhere this summer, to and from work, window shopping around State St. area and Michigan Ave. I walk fast too, past groups and groups of tourists and casual strollers. My only explanation to how I hit 260 lbs is that possibly I have more muscle mass now than I did when I was more blobular looking. Or maybe I was heavier back then and I just didn't bother weighing in. Still, it doesn't matter as much how much I weigh, It matters more how I look and there's just no hiding the beer gut. It's just out there man and it's in my way. I'm having trouble buying off of the rack nowadays. Size 40 waist is as large as most stores will go, if that. Most jean sizes only go to 38 and if I try to stuff myself in a 38 it's a tight fucking squeeze. I get any larger than 40, then it's the fat man store for me, Fuck! So yeah, the treadmill is the only agenda item for me at the moment, the rest is on the backburner for now. Don't worry, I'm not letting myself off the hook that easily.

There are other, major things coming up in my life pretty soon. First off, I have a big trip planned with my family to my family's homeland the Philippines. I'm going to be there for an entire month from the middle of October through the middle of November. I should be excited, but for some reason, right now I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Maybe because I planned to go back then when my life was in order and at the moment it feels like it's far from it. Another reason is the women. It's different back there than it is here. I'm essentially going to a third world country with a high poverty level and a common practice in my culture to get out by getting married. It's been a while since I've been there but I imagine not much has changed since my last visit. Once word gets out that I'm single, I'll have family and friends of family all trying to hook me up, not just for a date. I know it sounds crazy but you just have to be there to understand. It doesn't help that despite my weight I'm taller and cuter than the average guy there. With just my height alone I'll be towering over most of the population there and basically sticking out like a sore thumb. Even worse, is the women out there are naturally beautiful so the temptation of actually going through a "marriage for a visa" arrangement (with benefits of course) is all too real.

This is a place where things can happen for me without me really trying hard, which presents a dilemma of sorts for me, because part of me wants to go wild and party hard but another part of me wants to be in a relationship that's meaningful but not so much so that I want to go out and get married again. Even worse, is that eventually I'm going to have to go back home, and I'm not sure how my experience there is going to skew my perception once I come back home and go back to being to the guy who, for most practical purposes is invisible to attractive single women. I don't know, I guess just like everything else in my life, I'm just going to have to play it by ear. As for the trip, I'm just going there to have a good time, if anything else happens I'll file that away in the "we'll see" drawer.

Aside from the little "adventure" I have planned in the Philippines, there's another potentially interesting development in my life. I've applied for an upcoming position, in Phoenix, Arizona. My company is opening a branch office. Although they have been tight-lipped about my candidacy for the position, I personally think I have a decent chance. My only worry is that I may be over-qualified, because you don't exactly need a master's degree for that position. I'll basically be doing the same thing I'm doing in Chicago, provide technical support, except I'll be the only person on site, so I'm basically my own boss but I'll be doing 100% of the work instead of divvying it among a team. The good part is that despite potentially having more work and more responsibility on my plate, the job will still be a cakewalk for me.

It will also be a change of venue for me, not that I don't love it in Chicago because I do, I love this city and I love city life, but I also want to create significant change in my life as well. Not that I'm using it as an excuse, but there is so much baggage for me here. My entire family is here, the memory of my grandparents and the memory of Ray, all the heartaches and regrets past relationships, my mom's new found attachment with me that is happening in my adult life when it should have happened during childhood, my tendency to spoil my kid sister, and all the seemingly one-way friendships I've been having as of late. I'm not saying all these things are bad, all I'm saying is I crave something different and new life in a new place with a practically clean slate may be just what I need to get that ball rolling. So yeah, my fingers are crossed. If I get passed over for that position, my 18 month contract as stipulated by my company's tuition reimbursement policy is over around January 2010. I'll see where my master's degree will take me from there. Anyway, that's all to blog for now, until next time...