Hi, it's me again, Derrick. In case this this is your first time here or in case you have simply just forgotten, I'm the guy that occasionally logs in to diaryland and updates this diary. I wish I could update more often but sometimes one must give up what one loves doing in order to to accomplish what needs to be done. In my case both work and school have been laying down the double-team bitchslap on me. I do plan to make an exceedingly long entry in an attempt to make up for my lack of updates though so please, bear with me.�

As far as school goes, I've managed to stay afloat thus far, but I must curb the urge to procrastinate and get an early start on my assignments due early next week. As for work, it has been a serious pain. Just because I happen to be the youngest, most able-bodied technician in my department, this whole week I seem to have been getting assigned the most labor-intensive tasks such as re-organizing the PC inventory in the stockroom of the basement. I think I threw my shoulder out a few days ago stacking PC after PC after PC on the shelves. Not cool at all.�

My Love Life

I've been thinking a lot about my situation, why I'm still single and still alone and what if anything can I possibly do about it. It really, really has been a long time since I've been into anything serious relationship-wise, and prospects for romance are almost non-existent.� It's difficult when you throw all these powerful sexual urges on top of it. It has forced me to deeply analyze what it is I want from women in general, what I want out of a relationship and what I want out of life itself. I know and feel that on some level, I want women to want me at the same level of intensity as I want them. I want to be lusted after just like I lust after them. It doesn't seem to work out that way though. The fact that I am not attracting any women, at least any that I can outwardly perceive is seriously fucking with my ego. This long-standing failure to draw a woman into my life had made be believe that I am somehow unworthy of even the simplest of relationships with the opposite sex.

I know that in the past I have selected and have fallen in love with women for all the wrong reasons, most notably I have allowed myself to be entranced by their physical beauty. It is as if, by being beautiful they are somehow endowed by this radiance that blinds me to their shortcomings, most notably their incapacity to feel and to love. I'm almost positive that if left to my own volition, and given sufficient chance, I will constantly make the same mistakes with women over and over again. I know that I fall in love too quickly and too intensely. When I begin showing the intensity of my feelings towards the women whom I have been attracted to thus far, more often than not, they have run in the other direction.�

I am lead to believe that my instincts regarding the opposite sex are either misleading or just completely inadequate. Perhaps I must rely on my more rational and more objective thought processes to guide my actions, saving my capability of intense feelings and emotions for a woman that is capable receiving and appreciating them. The kind of love I offer is the kind I want to give to someone deserving of that love.�I have also come to realize that despite my powerful sexual urges, I do not think I can just have sex without introducing those intense feelings of love into the equation. My need to have sex is profoundly intertwined with my need to make a connection, so much so that I don't think I can truly enjoy having one without having the other.�

In retrospect, this was the case with my second sexual relationship. Even though the relationship itself was mediocre at best, I somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was in love, mostly because the sex was good and the woman was exceedingly beautiful. Well OK I was in love and I fell hard, but I think I fell for her for all the wrong reasons. I let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. In hindsight it all seems so clear, I was being used for a rebound fuck. Had I opened my eyes a little more and allowed myself to see the situation for what it truly was, then maybe I would have been OK with it and maybe I wouldn't have jumped the gun with all the emotional baggage, maybe I could have just gone with the flow and� "let it breathe" like Blu Cantrell said in that song. I'd have a steady fuck and none of this sexual frustration bullshit.

Then again it's possible that I can't allow myself to just have casual sexual intercourse without the emotional component and the feeling that I am truly connecting. I want to make love with and open heart, but I can't do that with just anybody, because I will most likely be opening myself up to potential devastation. I guess it's part of the reason I lack confidence in myself, part of me is afraid of that kind of emotional devastation. Trying to wrap my mind around this whole situation can be confusing to me to say the least, but ultimately I seek a better understanding of myself.

My Dreams

I remember not too long ago, waking up in the middle of the night in my bachelor pad and in a a sort of half-dream daze I thought a girl was sleeping beside me in my bed. I reached over to put my arm around her, being careful not to wake her, but my arm felt nothing but the bed covers. I tried opening my eyes. I could have sworn there was someone under the covers, but when I pulled them off to one side, still there was nobody there. Still in a half dazed dream state I sat up, wondering where she went. I looked outside my bedroom door and saw nothing but the glow of the city lights coming in through the window of the living room outside. It was just a dream, but somehow it seemed so real.�

It's like I want companionship so much that I am starting to hallucinate it. The weird part is that I think I've dreamt of her before and the dream seems to be a recurring one, but my recollections of her seem so vague. It's like waking up from a dream and having that dream fade from memory as time progresses. I don't recall what she looks like or if this recurring person in my dreams is even the same person, but at various points it all seems so real. I recall having the deepest conversations with her about my life, my worries, my hopes, my desires. It all seemed so real, like how could she not exist?�

I don't recall ever having sex with her though. I remember seeking her out and longing for her physically but the act of attempting physical proximity with her seems to make her fade away and disappear. But she doesn't exist, at least not in this physical realm. I don't have a name for her or a face, I don't remember her voice, only a feeling, a perception, and acknowledgment that she indeed exists somewhere in my mind.� It's like she's there and she's not there. She could very well be just a construct of my mind, a figment of my imagination, to help fulfill some of my subconscious needs. Maybe it's something deeper. I wish I had a better understanding of this dream and of her, but as with most dreams the seem to get more vague and more elusive over time.�

One weird thing I've just realized is the theme of my "liquid-fade" layout. At first I threw it all together because I thought it looked cool, and the fade elements I threw in were cool effects, but on some weird subconscious and serendipitous level I think the "liquid-fade" theme is about her and the recurring dream of her, a vague outline of a female fading in and out of my life and me having absolutely no control over it. Holy fucking weirdness, Batman!

I guess in the end, however, it really is just a dream, and aside from the vague memories and it's effect on my while I'm half-awake or lucidly dreaming, it has little bearing on my waking reality...

Surrendering to Fate

I have especially analyzed my sexual urges as it seems to be recurring, almost redundant them in my life. Thus far, I really have no way to control my feelings of lust. Practically speaking, I do not want what I cannot have and since fate thus far has denied me satisfaction of my sexual cravings, in all practicality I just want all these sexual cravings to cease complicating and frustrating my otherwise simple life. Unfortunately this is not a thing that I can turn off. It seems that my impure thoughts are going to happen and they are going to keep happening until I achieve some degree of sexual satisfaction. Considering I hardly receive any sexual satisfaction to relieve me, this situation will more than likely get worse with time. �

I have already accepted the possibility the kind of sexual satisfaction I need is not going to happen any time soon. I figure all that I can do is maintain a conscious effort not to let these sexual urges rule my thoughts and my actions. I know women don't want me in the same way I want them, so I need to change the way I do things, change my outlook, change the way I look a t women. I have a feeling that these things will ultimately matter and I need to do whatever I can do to alter my path, because I do not like where I am going at the present.

Giving up the idea of having a woman in my life and the idea being in a relationship is going to be difficult. Although it is a very large part of it, it's not just the sex that I miss. I miss the companionship, I miss the feeling of having someone by my side. I miss the little things too, like holding hands, walking together, having someone to talk with, having someone to hold. I remember I used to hate getting lipstick on me when I kissed a girl, it would always get all over my mouth and it was a pain to wipe off. It had a weird pasty, waxy taste to it too that I wasn't too fond of. And god forbid I should be seen in public with the latest shade of plum or raspberry sorbet all over my face. But now, I think I� miss the feel of my lips glide against her lipstick-creamed or lip-glossed lips. I actually miss that distinct lipstick taste and scent. I wouldn't mind the latest shade of crimson kissed on me one more time in my life. It's amazing the things you miss once you no longer have them in your life.��

Still, I think that with my life at it's present state having a woman come in and potentially throw my life into disarray may not be a good thing. I have other things to worry about like successfully finishing my degree and maintaining my good standing at work. I'll still keep my eye out for "that special someone" but I don't think I'm going to go out of my way. As far as women goes I don't need to reverse the flow of rivers or move mountains. I don't need to to race through the fire. I go where the flow of the universe takes me, ride it's currents. If it means being alone for a significant period of time then so be it. I know what I have to offer a woman and I know that it is good. If the women in the past couldn't fathom that, I don't see how it is my problem anymore. I think it's time I surrendered to fate and accepted my state of being alone and have faith that things can and must change and have the hope that I have the perception to see good opportunities and the wisdom and courage to take those opportunities once they come along.

My Past, My Karma

Fate it seems has relegated me into a life of loneliness, a life of solitude and I have to believe that it is for a good reason, that I am meant to experience the pain of being alone so that I know not to take whomever I happen to be with for granted, should fate decide to turn favorably upon me. I have a strong belief that my current situation is a result of my karma, that I have done something wrong in my life or perhaps in my past life and that I must somehow truly acknowledge and feel the same kinds of pain that I may have once inflicted upon others and have true understanding and true remorse for the things I have done before fate decides to shine favorably upon me once again.��

Keeping my karma in mind I've reflected deeper upon my past, to see if there is anything that I have done wrong in life if there is anyone I have done wrong. In doing so, my ex-wife is the first person who comes to mind. I remember when we separated, I had this almost overwhelming sense of relief and freedom. I felt like a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free, I had nobody to justify myself to nobody to defend against, nobody to argue with, nobody who would make me feel as my inner-self were somehow suppressed. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her because I knew that I loved and cared about her. I guess that's why the relationship dragged on for so long, it had gotten so comfortable that the relationship grew stagnant and simply stopped growing and evolving.�

Although I was rewarded for setting myself free from this relationship, I was also condemned for putting her through so much pain in her life. By leaving her I launched her into a state of terrible depression. She was very petite to begin with but when I left her she just began losing that much more weight. I mean she really dropped to an anorexic state. She told me recently that her lowest weight during that time was 87 pounds, contrast that to her normal weight of around 107. I know that I didn't want to hurt her but I haven't really fathomed the kind of pain I have caused her until recently.�

I just assumed that everything was OK because after we broke up she really maintained our friendship by calling me regularly. Even after she started dating other guys, we never stopped talking to each other. Maybe she acknowledged that I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that she wanted out of me and maybe she respected the fact that I was always faithful to her until the very end and that I was honest with her, even if that honesty caused her pain she knew that I was only giving her my truth.

That still does not erase the fact that I had been the cause of someone else's suffering. I know her dad hates me for what I had done to her. Well OK in a way he always hated me or any man who had dared to desire his daughter. He was truly an old-fashioned man, I recall one time he chased me with a butcher knife because he caught me with my arm around her at a Barbeque that she and her brother was throwing in their backyard. I had to run the fuck out of there and clear into the next block. My friend had to get my motorcycle I rode in on because it was too close to their house. It was fucking crazy, my first taste of the wrath of a Filipino dad. It took a while, a very long while but eventually he accepted me, almost as his own son. I remember the first time I called him "Papang" a derivation of "Papa" in one of the Filipino dialects, it just brought a smile to his face. But after the emotional devastation I caused my ex, I am almost certain that I can never go back to that family again. All those nights she cried herself to sleep in between her parents because she could not sleep alone, it was all because of me.

I realized that I had never apologized to her for causing her to feel miserable. It has been almost 4 years since this has happened and in that time I never said anything about it. So last weekend in my car, on the way to a mutual friend's housewarming party I finally did it. I finally apologized to her for putting her though all that pain and suffering. I told her I was sorry and I never meant for her to get hurt. I told her that I wished I could have handled it better. She put her hand on mine and said it was OK. We talked a little about it after that but I'm glad I finally got that off my chest and I am glad that after all this time and after all that has happened I'm glad she still chooses to be my friend and a good one at that. I know I have done lots of things wrong with my life, but I also know that I have at least done something right in my life to still have her as a friend. It brings me hope that all is not lost.��

The Future

Woah, the future... The "Big F". Scary word if you think about it. I don't know what the future holds, I don't have a crystal ball. I do have some things that I want to try such as when I go out clubbing. I think I've been totally drinking too much the last few times I have been going out to the point that I have dulled whatever edge I may have had over women. Too much vodka makes Derrick dull and depressed. I should save the binge drinking for when I'm having a really good time with friends. When I'm out clubbing trying to converse with females however I only need one or two martinis, not a half-dozen to loosen my spirits. I know that I have it in me, I know that I can be smooth and I know that I don't necessarily need to be inebriated it bring that out. I just need to flirt, to be myself and to let my obviously abundant wit flow.�

This weekend it's not about finding a sexual partner. I put that crusade on hold at least for now.� I think it's about finding who I am on the inside and unleashing him onto the world. I'm going to start giving notice on the kind of person that I am, the kind of person that I can truly be. It is time for Derrick to find and become "liquid-mojo". May god have mercy on the world... ;)��

Anyhow, I've written enough so I'll end my entry here.�

Until next update, Peace...