So, I just got through some of T's more recent entries when I stumbled upon this baby. What the fuck is going on with me indeed... To be honest I'm not completely sure. I'm not just talking about her and me which I assume was the context she was referring to but life is pretty blurry for me in general and this is without the use of drugs or alcohol. My life seems surreal, somehow displaced. I completely lack any sense of ownership or belonging.

I would say I feel adrift but there are too many mundane repetitions, just enough to make life boring as hell. I guess that doesn't really answer the original question so I guess I should at least try. Aside from the obvious, I'm not exactly sure what happened between us. I suppose good sexual experiences have a way of changing things, but I was never prepared for the development of a long distance emotional attachment, the whole fucking thing caught me off guard. Using my dumbass male logic, I thought if I just put the whole thing on the shelf and ignore it then it maybe would just blow over given enough silence and time. I guess I should apologize for being such an ass that way so for all it's worth I'm sorry.

I keep forgetting that women sometimes have the tendency of thinking the worst and they almost always think that it may be through some fault or some inadequacy of theirs in whole or in part. Really though, it's me who is royally fucked up. I'm fucked in so many different ways that they should make an entire series of gangbang videos starring me. Metaphorically speaking of course because my ass doesn't swing that way, not that there's anything wrong with that...

Seriously though, my sex drive is going fucking crazy. The desire is ever present. I can't turn it off because somehow I just want and want and want some more. There was a very long period of time where I was willing to get with whomever wanted to spread their legs for me. I'm starting to realize however with each passing sexual encounter that I'm not able to have sex, at least the kind of sex I find fulfilling without there being some sort of transformation in myself or my partner or both. This is where things get sticky and I'm not sure where to go from there.

There is a very real part of me that wants to have sex with anyone who strikes my fancy but I know that something like that is difficult given the emotional attachments that are likely to develop. There are certain things I'm not sure I'm ready for. I would fairly assume that having even the finest piece of ass on this planet sexually, at this point of my life would, at best provide a only temporary diversion for me, until the next finest piece of ass shows up at least. One of the hugest things, one of my biggest fears actually is commitment. I've been through the marriage thing already, I went through all the motions, all the emotions. I was faithful but unhappy and unfulfilled. I don't know I guess I'm afraid of being stuck with someone who I can't love because my dick wants to fuck ten other women.

I was hoping that someday I may find "the one". That one woman who will make me forget about all other women who exist. I suppose in theory a woman like this can exist, I would just have to make the mental leap and truly convince myself that she is indeed "the one". But life and all it's fucked-up glory seems to be pointing me in the opposite direction. There is no "the one" out there for me. She's not waiting for me nor is she out there looking for me. In fact, if she has any sort of brain power she would probably do well to avoid me like the plague. Go find somebody else, I'm damaged goods here.

All in all, however I think life has dealt my hand fairly and justly. I am alone for the exact reason that I deserve to be alone. When someone gets too close I push that person away. There shouldn't be any wonder why nobody loves me. It's not rocket science, it's simple karma in action. I want all the rewards but hardly take any risks. I claim to be profound yet I find myself being superficial. I'm nothing more than a hypocrite, I have become that which I loathe. This is what the fuck is going on with me.

This is why despite my constant sexual desire, I don't think I'm ready for women or sex or relationships or any of that. I'm not ready for that level of complexity in my life, not yet. Maybe sometime down the road, but for right now I have school to think about and a career to think about and I have to think about getting my life back into order.

If the possibility of sex finds its way into my life I don't know, I'll have to play it by ear, but for right now it's not a priority for me. For right now I'm not going to seek it or plan it or arrange for it or anything like that. I'm just not ready to have my life turned upside-down by sex. Someday perhaps when I am more secure about my life and about myself and about my feelings, but not right now...