I had a pretty cool time this Mother�s Day. I finally got to see X2, pretty good flick. I took my mom and sis shopping, mom picked out 3 pairs of shoes, some perfume and a handbag for her mother�s day gift. My sis bought some clothes and I found a cool pair of sunglasses that was on sale. I got drunk one weekend and lost my last pair. =p We went to Via Veneto instead of Suzy China for dinner. Pretty good Italian food, and their tiramisu was to fucking die for. For some reason it didn�t feel like such a chore even if I did take a couple women shopping yet again and went borderline max on my credit card. I guess the love for my family changed my perspective greatly.

I also got a call from my ex while she was out in Detroit. She was calling from a bookstore where her boyfriend had to leave her because he had to go for dinner on mother�s day and apparently his parents don�t know he�s dating, much less dating a girl who is not Korean. I understand some Asian families can be strict but wow, I mean he�s the fucking guy and he�s old enough to make his own decisions. I could see where her frustration is coming from and I felt bad for her. I keep telling her she doesn�t have to put up with all that but I guess if you have been with someone a while, you develop certain attachments. Letting go of something or someone you love, even if it pains your heart so much, is still one of the most difficult things to do.

I know because I�ve been having trouble letting go myself. I�ve been trying to catch Liz online for the past few weeks, but lately I haven�t been able to chat with her for more than one or two minutes at a time. On one hand she wants me to communicate to her more often and on the other hand she�s just not available for communication. So now I�m not sure what to think. I wanted her to tell me what was troubling her but she was so hesitant, afraid she was going to hurt my feelings because her problems are concerning her boyfriend. Communication is all we ever had. If that�s gone what is left of our friendship? I really wanted to tell her all this personally, but it�s difficult for me to harbor all these feelings inside me, so again I pour my heart and soul out onto this diary. I�m thinking the best thing for me to do right now is to stop trying so hard and just let go. If she wants to talk she knows how to find me. If she doesn�t want to talk to me anymore, again it�s her choice. Maybe she needs to deal with whatever she needs to alone, on her own terms in her own time. I have thought out the worst case scenarios in my head already. That I will never get a chance to meet her. I will never get to see her face, never have a chance to hear her voice again, never know what it�s like to touch her, to feel her, to consummate all these intense feelings I have for her. As time goes by that possibility becoming more and more evident. It�s obvious that at the present I cannot have her. Perhaps the most difficult thing to accept is that I can never have her. At least not without her evolving beyond certain preconceptions. Things such as being open-minded enough to meet someone from the net and at least taking on the possibility that a long distance relationship can work. It�s like I�ve already lost before ever being given a real chance.

But you know what? Fuck all that noise because I know I deserve better. I�m not going to spend my finite and precious moments of this life waiting for something that just isn�t going to happen. I can�t have her and I accept that. But you know what? She can�t have me either. If by some miraculous event she fucking decides that she wants me she�s not going to get me by just spreading her fucking legs. As horny as I am and as much as I want her I�m not going to give in that easily, not anymore. She would have to go on her fucking knees and beg for my fucking cock and even then I don�t know if I want to give it to her. Probably not... Lick? *psyche* =p Look at that I�m fucking feeling better already. Testosterone is such a cool thing, I should tap into it MUCH more often. Anyway, I�m done venting, have a fucking good night...

First of all to all the MILFs, er I mean moms out there, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day!!!

I'm planning to take mom and sis out for a movie and some Chinese food. We are gonna catch an early showing of X2 (WooHoo!!!) don't worry, my mom and sis are Hugh Jackman fans and they both liked the first movie so it's not just for me. ;) After that we are gonna eat in Suzy China. I haven't been there in ages. My grandfather and I used to eat there all the time before he got sick. I really miss the food there and I especially miss just going out with Grandpa. I'm really glad I had the chance to go take him out, practically every saturday to dinner and to church when he was still healthy. It will be nice to go there once again. I think I'll have the sizzling rice soup, spicy Szechwan stir-fried string beans, spicy mongolian beef and maybe some Szechwan tofu with vegetables. I wonder what my mom and sis are gonna eat? ;)

Oh very special shout out to Nicole who recently joined the honored ranks of motherhood. =) This would be her first mother's day. We met in Alcobuds and although I've gathered quite a few aquaintences on the net over the years, she's probably the only internet aquaintence that let me into her life as a friend. We've spoken over the phone a few times, even though i'm not much of a talker, yes i suck as a phone conversationalist, =p I just thought the gesture was really cool. I know there are some people who are just natually mistrustful of anyone they meet over the net, so meeting someone who doesn't have all these negative preconceptions and prejudgements is refreshing to say the least.

Nicole was nice enough to invite me to her wedding in October, close to my B-day actually so it's gonna be a double-celebration of sorts when I go out with Greg, her fiancee to his Bachelor party out in the Hollywood strip joints along with his friends. Even a few guys from alcobuds are gonna be there. I know Lucas and Ty are definitely gonna be there because that's like her closest friends in the world whom she also happened to meet over the net. Lucas' girlfriend Crystal who is also an alcobuds regular, is going to attend the wedding as well. She's cute too making Lucas one lucky bastard. Actually, at this point anybody that has a girlfriend in my view is a damn lucky bastard, especially Greg. =p