I began working out regularly since early this week. I am motivated by a combination of factors one is that I'm just getting too damn heavy, I'm starting to tip the scale past 230 pounds and it's at the point where even my loose, dark-colored clothing can't hide my midsection. I no longer like what I see in the mirror. It's the reason I don't smile in any of my pictures, because aside from me having nothing to smile about, my smiles accentuate the "baby-fat" in my cheeks. Baby fat is cute on babies, not on me.

I run until I the lactic acid burns my legs, then I run faster until I feel the acid burn my viscera, until my lungs feel like exploding, then I limp back home and take a shower. I fucking hate running. I alternate days of running and days of weight training. I love pushing weights, feeling the burn in my muscles until they become sore and tight. The pain makes me feel like I am alive. I'm not sure what is going on. Maybe it's psychological, maybe it's the extra testosterone and endorphins swimming through my veins, but I feel this burning inside me and I have no idea how to extinguish it.

My level of appetite both in terms of food and in terms of sexual desire have increased. Then again they usually do when I'm working out. I try to curb my "snack attack" cravings by eating PowerBars in between meals. I've tried practically every flavor, some halfway decent, some bordering on terrible. It doesn't matter though, they all taste like dehydrated oatmeal from hell. The most palatable flavors are Berry, Oatmeal Raisin, Vanilla Crisp and Cookies and Cream. There are others, I just can't remember them.

As for my sexual appetite, I've thought hard about my situation (pun intended), especially about my lack of companionship and the resulting lack of sex. All I can say is that I fucking despise my present situation I don't know how much longer I can live like this. Having this much unfulfilled sexual desire for such a long time can't be fucking healthy at all. It is like I�m starving deep inside me and my soul is aching and craving. It's like I don't care about anything else anymore and I don't want that to happen, but it is.

Thus I have given myself a deadline, to try intensely for the remainder of this summer to find a woman. If I find someone who's willing to be with me before school starts I will do everything within reason to turn it into a steady and perhaps serious relationship. If all I can find is a non-serious "friend" I will do all I can to turn it into a "friends with privileges" relationship. I may not like it as much but I'm going to play whatever hand I'm dealt. If the most likely scenario occurs and I find nobody and I'm left with not even a glimmer of hope or possibility then I'll take a short term pledge to give up on women and focus on other parts of my life more intensely, like finishing school.

I have 11 more courses to go and I'm only taking as many courses as my employer will reimburse me (5 courses / year). Any extra classes I take will come out-of-pocket. If I suck it up and take extra classes including summer I can finish my degree faster. I have to do this, all or nothing, the Scorpio in me demands it. I need this, I need a fucking change or I'll be dead on the inside and if that happens I might as well be fucking dead all the way.