Aside from the usual confusion caused by my sexlessness and the viewing of a whole bunch of dancing naked females over the weekend, the lovely people over at hotmail decided to change the format of the hotmail interface. Now I'm fumbling like a newbie trying to read my new messages and stumbling to find my junk mail folder to blast the daily trash email I keep receiving. All those fucking spam ads that keep filling up the space on my account and it's pissing me off.

Like HELLO this is me we are talking about. I don't get any nookie. Look at my pants you fucking Viagra pushers, isn't the fucking bulge in my jeans enough of a sign to back off? I mean seriously. Check your demographics motherfuckers.

And what's with these Bigger Penis emails? WTF? You want me kill ppl with this thing? Stop trying to stretch my penis out damnit! Besides, it's on the shelf right now, so to speak. Derrick is celibate, Derrick is not fucking anybody. Therefore, my average-sized penis fits quite perfectly on that shelf. Should I make a career transition into porn, then send me an email, otherwise fuck off.

So OK, e-mail spammers have an unnatural obsession with my penis, understandable and perhaps forgivable. Maybe I can live with that, but what's with the concern for my breast size? Trust me I'm not interested in bigger breasts. I'm sure there are females or she-males that may be interested in your product, and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that. But you are talking to Derrick here and Derrick is not fucking interested, so back the fuck off mammary gland via e-mail enhancing motherfuckers! Stop spamming my inbox!

Whew, OK Derrick, find your center... Find your calm... Must not punch fist through screen... Breathe... *inhales and exhales deeply* OK where was I? Oh yeah, I was ranting about my confused state. Yes, I'm very much disoriented, discombobulated even and unfortunately I must get back to work...