Hey, it's me again. A bunch of thoughts have been bubbling through my head lately. It's hard to put my finger on any one particular thought, but if there is one overwhelming theme it's the need for change in my life. As time progresses I feel like I'm taking on new lows, just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, new places to sink seem to appear under me and I just fall right into it. Bottom line, I feel like I'm in this huge rut and nothing I've done thus far in terms of thinking feeling or acting has taken me out of this rut. If anything I feel worse now than I've ever felt and I have no idea how to turn it around.

As for the new "lows" I am finding, take petty emotions for instance. I find myself getting envious and jealous much more often. I know jealousy is one of those trademark Scorpio traits, but I usually do a really good job in keeping that emotion in check. I chalk most of it up to free choice, I usually have respect of other's choices, but lately I've felt my resolve waver. Now I find myself getting envious over the tiniest of things, like reading a sex entry on someone else's journal, fuck that's painful.

I mean really, I wish that was me, but no that's not me, that's someone else. Derrick has no sex and reading about someone's blissful sexual experience is of absolutely no help to me. I think I've on some subconscious level stopped reading other people's diaries because of this. I think my ability to be a true and unconditional friend to others is being taxed severely because of all this petty bullshit that's seething inside me.

I suppose wishing happiness on someone else becomes a wicked challenge when one's own life is under near-constant unhappiness. I guess part of my conundrum is a severe lack of understanding on how the universe works. I'm trying so hard to be the paragon of strength, the shoulder to lean on, the friend to depend on, but I think deep down in some twisted "golden rule" kind of way I am trying to be the kind of person that I need the most at this moment of my life. I guess there will never be another friend like Ray in my life. It's hard to walk around like a whole person when this huge unfillable void is consuming you within.

It's not just that however, I think my sexual deprivation is putting me at odds with some of my female friends. I don't think I'm capable of a normal conversation without it eventually leading towards some sexual innuendo or overt sexual thought. I could imagine my way of relating getting to the point of being discomforting towards some and misleading towards others. The problem is, I'm not sure how or even if I can stop being so sexually oriented. I have no idea if my sexual advances are welcome or revolting. It just kicks in like the drool on Pavlov's dog at the sound of the bell. I'm not sure what to fucking do with myself at this point. The life of a hermit is always an option...

Part of me me is even ashamed to admit that I am nothing but a weak, vulnerable person on the inside. I wish I had the luxury of simply falling to pieces in a quivering heap and just letting life and all its complexities pass over me. But somehow I maintain my present course and velocity towards god-knows-where. I don't like to project an image of weakness and vulnerability but it seems, other than a fa�ade of strength, that's all I have to offer deep-down.

*sigh* Anyway, life just has a way of just sucking, and really there isn't much one can do about it. The kind of loneliness I'm experiencing I don't really think there is a cure for. It's just one of those things you have to suffer through until it is over. I can only hope that someday, sometime, before I am dead and while I am still young enough to enjoy it I can find an end to sadness, an end to pain and loneliness and perhaps I may even find the beginning of joy. I hope that I can find the path to love. When it is like this, one can only hope...