Yeah, I know. It's been a while. I really miss being able update this sucker more frequently. Unfortunately things have been busy at work lately due to our reduced staff. If that isn't bad enough, my boss had been a dick about us having to "look busy" so when we do have a moment of downtime to relax in front of the PC and check email and the like, he frowns upon it. He's the kind of guy that spends all day on the phone troubleshooting and what not. An admirable trait for sure, but if he thinks I'm going to convert to his workaholic lifestyle, he's fucking nuts. Assign me as much work as you need to, but don't expect me to fill every moment looking for work like I enjoy it. That's just fucking crazy man. I mean fuck, you know when it comes down to the wire, like when we are short staffed I fucking deliver, so give me a fucking break man. Ok, so he's fucking paranoid about having to lay people off and the word can come from upper management at any time. Still, the whole thing is fucking annoying. I do my work, so quit bitching at me. If I get laid off, then so be it. I could use the fucking vacation. Derrick is always looking to get laid in some fashion...

Anyway, enough about the office rant, my illustrious boss has decided to take the day off, thus I am opportunistically seizing this time to kick off an entry. I'm trying to make up for lost time so it's going to be another long one, lots of rambling. C'mon, don't roll your eyes at me, you know you love my rambling... ;)

For those of you who do not know my life, the past few years I have been struggling for some kind of change. To sum it all up my life has become lonely, monotonous, repetitive and just plain boring. I feel like every breath I'm taking is wasted, as if there is a better life somewhere just beyond the horizon and if I somehow move towards it and chase it vigorously enough this "better life" will be mine.

Really though, it's nothing I haven't bitched about before in the past. The big questions I have to ask myself is what do I want to do about all this and more importantly what AM I doing about all this. One of the "big" parts, my education is coming along slowly but surely. I did better than I thought in my last 2 courses, an A- in both my Technical Writing course and the dreaded Data Analysis and Statistical Software class, the only class where I wound up with a failing grade since I switched over from biology to computers.

The grade in the statistics class was nothing short of a miracle. I flopped with one missed assignment, one bad assignment grade and one bad quiz grade. According to my calculations based on the syllabus and my grades prior to the final I would have needed a 97 on the final to get a final course grade of 92 which is the minimum for an A-. I got a 92 on my final exam which was not too bad, but again it wasn't enough to bring my course grade up from the B. I was pleasantly surprised yet utterly dumbfounded at the same time. With the effort I put into that class I deserved a B at best, but hey if they want to give me an A-, far be it for me to complain. I'll accept the tiniest little graces whenever it comes my way and be thankful.

Anyway with those courses aside I have 9 left to go. Not too shabby. It will be down to 5 by this summer and if I'm lucky and my parents actually help me pay for a few extra classes I may even kill this before 2005. If not I don't mind waiting another year. After that Derrick will finally have a Bachelor's degree and hopefully I'll land a career that let me work my talents. My skills need to be exploited and copiously compensated monetarily damnit! =p

The money situation is looking bleak this holiday season. Through my mom's suggestion I took what little I had saved up, around $5,000 and I bailed my aunt out of foreclosure. So my aunt gets to keep her house but I don't get to go on a wild Christmas shopping spree. I usually get majorly depressed in the holidays, but that one big shopping spree usually snaps me out of it. I suppose helping my aunt not lose her house is a good thing, but I wonder if the effort is in vain. I mean I like spending money just like everyone else, and I dare say that I can be frivolous with my spending, I can't imagine not having it together enough that I'm missing mortgages and jeopardizing the very roof over my head. *sigh* So anyway my account bounced for the first time since I began working full-time, which was like what 4 years ago? Why is is so easy to get bitch slapped back to square one?

Anyway, money isn't everything... I'm also seeking other forms of happiness. It has to be a good 5 years since I've been in a real relationship. It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to miss the little things like holding hands and having someone to laugh with. Even with the little things, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll have a chance to experience them again. Life seems so bleak without someone to share it with. I know it sounds cheesy and everything, but my one wish for myself this Christmas is to not be lonely. This is the same wish as the last several Christmases, and New Years and birthdays and Valentines. I guess it takes more than just wishing... *sigh*

I'm having a really weird time adjusting to the changes that are going on around me as well. Take last weekend for instance. I took my ex wife out for dinner and I helped her with some shopping. It was the usual fare with one exception, this is the first time we went out together since she got engaged.

On one hand, I am simply amazed how we could still be there for each other as friends, laughing and joking around as usual. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder how different things are going to be, if not now then definitely after the wedding in May when she is planning to move to Michigan to be with her husband-to-be. I know that once she's gone I'm really going to miss her, but the last thing I want to do is trouble her with any of my worries.

You should see the glow she is giving off, I don't want to mess with that kind of happiness. Really, this is the kind of wedding I couldn't afford to give her, so we wound up settling for a marriage at City Hall. Still, I am happy she finally has a chance to experience it.

Let's see, what else is going on with my life? Oh yeah, it seems I have developed a mild recurring cough. The only cause that I can think of is my weekend smoking. When I'm out drinking I can easily go through a pack in one night in one huge chain smoking binge. For the past few months I have been consistently going out every weekend. I know females aren't just going to fall out of the sky and into my lap, so I put myself out there, and while I'm out there I get my drink and smoke on.

It looks like it's all taking it's toll on my health however so I am chilling out with the smoking, at least until the cough goes away. My smoking habit is tied to my drinking, I could go for days, weeks even and entire month or more without ever lighting up a stick, but once I start drinking, forget about it. I start Jonesing for a cigarette like a fiend on a crack bender.

It's been more than a month however and the cough isn't going away so last weekend I started my smoking abstinence. Last Friday night, I attended a brother of a friend's B-day party. Although I met some cool guys, it basically it was a damn sausage-fest. It was either drink like a fiend or be bored to holy hell. There was a keg, so basically I opted to drink like a fiend.

The main problem was that I just quit smoking, but when the beer buzz kicked in I began Jonesing for a smoke like crazy. I did my best to maintain however. I left my pack of cigarettes at home, so that was 99% of my smoke intake right there. All I had to do was stop myself from bumming a smoke from other people.

I did rather well too, until my friend offered me half of her cigarette. I can only assume it was too strong for her. It was too good to refuse, so I took the cigarette and inhaled. Damn that felt good. I could feel my throat itch, but it didn't matter, I needed the nicotine fix.

I don't know what it is about smoking. It's a nasty habit to be sure. I know it may be hypocritical for me to say this but when I'm not smoking, I fucking hate 2nd hand smoke. It saturates my clothes, makes my hair smell nasty and when I wear contacts it makes my eyes sting like crazy. A small piece of advice for the smokers out there, if you plan on kissing someone, at least give the person you are kissing the courtesy of chewing on a breath mint or a piece of gum, especially if you smoke the dreaded menthol cigarettes. Better yet, brush and rinse. I swear these women were so fucking beautiful, but kissing them made me literally wince.

But anyway, back to my main point aside from the obvious addictive factors of smoking, I think the main draw for me is the "social" aspects of smoking or should I say the anti-social aspects. Sometimes my foray into the night club scene comes up totally dry. I can basically just lean back, light up a stick and fucking ignore the world around me. It's usually when I switch into my "loner mode" that a female occasionally takes notice and asks me for a cigarette. I pull one from my pack, light her up and we talk. Females rarely approach me in the club scene for any other reason. I'm almost afraid to go out clubbing without the fallback option of smoking.

It's not just clubs though, most restaurants allow smoking in the bar area if anywhere, and some won't even let you smoke inside at all, so you have to step outside in the cold to get your fix. I don't know about most people, but I love going outside to get my smoke on. I get to step away from the usual bullshit and for the duration of a cigarette I'm free to think and be alone.

Sometimes when I'm standing outside I feel the urge to light up. I usually resist the urge since I only allow myself to smoke when I'm drinking. I can see how easily it is to give in though, especially in extreme moments, like during Ray's funeral. I just found myself outside needing to light up, and I did, for the first time in my life without having a drink in my hand.

*whew* Anyway, enough about fucking smoking and funerals and all that. Since I threw in everything but the kitchen sink, I think this would be a good point to end this entry. There are a few more things that I wanted to mention but those are best left for another entry...