i just finished up my final in my visual basic programming class and I'm basically done for the quarter. there were a bunch of war protesters earlier this evening rallying from the federal building in downtown chicago. the crowds caused quite a distraction as they marched through the streets, right in the middle of the exam i might add. despite the distraction i seemed to have done pretty well in the exam. I hope I get a decent grade because i can't afford to get less than a C- on the course.

anyhoo the whole prostest thing was all over the news. i'm all for peace and everything but the demonstrators in chicago maybe got just a little out of hand. there were a bunch of arrests as protesters spilled into the busy streets during rush hour. the police were out in full force and full riot gear. honestly i haven't seen anything this crazy in chicago since the bulls won thier first championship and even then it was more of a celebration than anything else. honestly i don't know what the hell bush is thinking but i hope and pray for a quick end to this war and as mimimal loss of lives as possible.

If my diary looks a little fucked I apologize. It looks like d-land underwent a server change last night and some of the default menu images haven't copied over correctly. I'm hoping that will eventually be fixed, if not I may have to design a new menu interface.

I have a final exam tonight around 5:45pm in my visual basic programming class. I haven't studied at all for it yet, but after I finish this entry I'll hit the shower and start tabbing my book (since it's an open book exam) and preparing my note sheet (we are allowed one 8-1/2 x 11 sheet of notes, both sides). I'll be glad when it's all over and I hope I get at least a C- in the course because that would be passing. =p

Anyhoo I was able to talk to her again tonight on IM. Since last we spoke I really, really wanted to say something to her and it's been like more than a week since we last spoke. I so wanted to tell her that I loved her, but I sort of chickened out and told her I missed her instead and I fell into my usual routine of acting silly and cracking a bunch of one-liners. It's all for the better I guess, since she seems to be doing well with her boyfriend at the moment and who am I to interrupt her bliss.

So I took this momentary crush of my ego as an opportunity to yet again analyze myself. I think I use humor in copious amounts as a sort of defense mechanism. If I think about it after my ex-wife all the women whom I�ve attempted to be serious with I think I�ve somehow ran off with my intensity. It seems like I�ve tried to be too serious, too soon and somehow, in my �infinite wisdom� I did a complete 180 degree turn and developed myself into this silly skirt-chasing horn-ball of a guy who is never serious nor wants to be serious in his life.

I mean fuck, being serious is scary. You hold your heart out in your hand where someone can either embrace it and hold it next to their heart, or knock it over to the floor and beat into oblivion with some blunt object. I don�t know, I guess my silly side has been serving me beautifully as of late. It�s helped me from falling into complete and utter despair, but I�m thinking that I want more out of life, like maybe finding love or some truer form of happiness instead of just extracting the humor from a seemingly grave situation. I guess the time will come when the silly and the serious sides of me will be able to co-exist and be fully expressed and I really hope that I can find someone whom I could share all facets of my personality with and vice-versa of course.

Well anyway, it�s off to the shower...

This whole 40 day thing is really to taking its toll. It�s been almost 2 weeks already. I�ve been having a lot of thoughts lately, mostly to divert myself from my own overwhelming sexual desire. Really random thoughts too such as thoughts about life, like what is it all about? What the fuck am I doing here? It�s as if I�ve been trying to give meaning to an often meaningless existence, trying to find joy in an ocean of sorrow, trying to hold onto the last threads of my faith as it is constantly being unraveled by doubt. Anyway I thought it would be a good idea to put all these thoughts down in my journal, but for some reason I just kept typing and typing spanning across several evenings on what little free time I have. So expect this to be a long entry I did however break it down into subjects so it�s easier to read.

Sexuality:

I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about sex or the lack thereof. I know that I have a powerful sex drive, and there are times it serves me beautifully especially when I have someone to consummate my sexual passion with. There are other times however when I feel lonely, empty and unfulfilled, when this overwhelmingly powerful carnal desire consumes my soul so much that I feel I have nothing left to give of myself. Honestly, I hate being so swayed by these feelings. I hate being such a slave to my sexual desire. I hate the feelings of inadequacy that always surfaces when I am unable of have achieve sexual gratification. In other words I hate myself because the want for sex has become so much a part of my being that it somehow overshadows other parts of me that could at least be equally as intense. I can�t help but wonder how things would be if sex weren�t such an issue. I wonder how much more evolved I would be if the whole sex thing were out of the way, if I could somehow appease my inner sex gods (or demons) by either consummating my sexual desire or going totally opposite and renouncing my sexuality.

I guess that�s one of the main reasons I�ve given up sexual gratification for Lent, not because of some religious compulsion or obligation, but because I don�t want my life to be just about sexual desire like it has been for so damn long. I know that I am capable of great things if only I can focus on what is important in life, but is seems my quest for sexual gratification has overcome all other aspects. The saddest part, at least in my perspective, is my constant inability to attract the opposite sex and to maintain that attraction long enough and effectively enough to develop a relationship. Hell I can�t even score a date lately and it�s really hurting my self-esteem. I somehow feel like less of a man because of it and I really despise feeling that way about myself when I know I could do and be so much better. It seems that fate always dealing me the cards of loneliness and solitude. Instead of cursing fate and living my life in constant regret like I always seem to be doing, I�ve got to somehow pull everything together and either set aside my sexual desire at least temporarily until I find someone to express them with or if I could somehow focus this energy maybe I could do some of those great things I always dream about.

Reality:

If you magnified the subatomic particles which make up a single atom, the smallest unit of matter which everything is made up of, to a size visible to the naked eye, the nucleus which is the center of the atom (made up of protons and neutrons), would be about the size of the period at the end of a sentence and the electron(s) which makes up the outer �shell� of the atom and swirls around the nucleus like a satellites orbiting a planet would be the size of a speck of dust, only it swirling around the nucleus at velocities close to the speed of light. Now here�s the kicker, the proportional distance between the period and the speck of dust is equivalent to a 14 story building. So imagine a sphere composed of a dot the size of a period at its center, with a diameter of 28 stories and a �shell� as thin as a speck of dust. That�s how large the atom has to be magnified to make the subatomic particles visible.

If you think about it an atom is made up of mostly empty space, making it mostly nothing, and since all matter is made up of atoms, everything you see all around you is made up of mostly emptiness. If you think about it more, the material things we strive for such as food, clothing, shelter etc. are all pursuits of emptiness, and we often equate reality with all these material illusions. And yet, even in light of this revelation I can�t help but wonder in the midst of all this nothingness there is something, an essence, a presence that makes all these swirling particles of nothingness into something that is truly greater than the sum of its empty parts.

Spirituality:

This belief or recognition that something greater exists is the reason I am not an atheist. I must give atheists their due however, they believe in what can be seen and touched and what can be scientifically proven. They aren�t bogged down by antiquated religious ideas. Science in its purest essence is the unbiased search for the truth. I myself believe that any religious ideal, entity or belief system that does not embrace the same search for truth is condemning itself to eventual obscurity. But that is where my similarity with atheists ends because for those who seek the ultimate truths in life must recognize that there are no absolutes in this existence. To be an atheist you must by definition adhere to absolute ideal that God or some creative godlike entity absolutely does not exist, never has and never will. If there is some doubt or inkling that a �god� may be possible, that would put that person in the realm of agnosticism. I imagine most scientific minds are agnostic, holding the hypothesis that �god� may (or may not) exist, but not making it an absolute �truth� until somehow proven one way or another. I consider myself a spiritual person; I believe that a higher power, a grander vision and a greater truth exists. Because even in the constant bleakness and in the emptiness of reality there are moments when I find beauty and purpose and I can�t help but feel somehow guided or gravitated towards those things. That somehow, in some way all things and indeed all individuals are all inexplicably interconnected.

Free Will and Choice vs. Fate and Destiny:

This is a very interesting paradox. How much of one�s life is dictated by free will and how much of it is dictated by fate? Even those who do not believe in a higher power must acknowledge the fact that it is impossible to be completely in control of every aspect of their lives. We have no choice when we are born, who our parents are, or the situation we are born into. During childhood we are almost completely dependent on our parents or those who raise us for our survival. Even when we reach an age where we are capable of taking care of ourselves most people will find it surprising as to how little free will and free choice is a factor into our lives. If you think about it we are all animals, guided largely by our instincts. We are driven by our needs, the need to sustain ourselves, to have shelter, to find a mate and to do �the wild thing�, all of these motivations are largely instinctual. We are a slave to our bodies, the biological containers that hosts our consciousness, and (dare I say it?) our souls. Even if our more basic needs are met, we are still greatly swayed by our emotions. It�s easy to notice when someone is in a bad mood, walking around with that damn chip on their shoulder making it hell for those around them. Even in ourselves we may not even notice how much of an ass we are acting like until much later when we finally get over it. Then you have to go back and apologize like �I�m sorry I was such an ass earlier� unless you revel in the fact that people think you are an asshole, then it�s all good.

Despite all that, free will and free choice does exist, just not to the degree most people imagine it to be. The execution of free will takes concentrated thought combined by determined action. The greatest fruits of free will are creation, setting things into motion, causing things happen, making change occur. We are all capable of great things, but to what degree all depends on what choices we make in life. So can destiny and free will coexist? I believe that they do coexist. In simplest terms, free will and destiny are intertwined. The truest and most powerful expressions of free will occur when an individual transcends their simpler biological and emotional motivations and overcomes their natural tendencies towards laziness and more importantly overcomes their fears. Fate and destiny are simply things which occur outside of your sphere of control, things and events which constantly sway our lives as a result of the actions of those around us and I believe ultimately, that of some higher presence or power.

A friend of mine from alcobuds gave me a code for a Membership to LiveJournal, one of the largest journal communities on the net, so i've basically been splitting my creative energies between this journal and the new one. It's exclusive in that you need an existing member of LJ to generate a code for you and they can only generate a limited number of codes for the free membership. It's good in that there's are bunch of my online friends who are existing LJ users and have access to my LiveJournal, and it has an added feature to people comment on each journal entry. It's wierd prospect to actually see some feedback to my entries. The drawback is that the ability to customize the journal at least on the free account is limited, so I won't be able to customize it exactly the way I want it. Anyhow here's the link to my livejournal:

i am derrick's livejournal

Also, I've been told recently by Frank, the creator of Alcobuds, that my diary is one of the top referers to the Alcobuds Forums. I guess people have been actually clicking the link I put in the bottom left corner. =p This has inspired me to do some minor tweakage to my diaryland journal. I changed the banner to the same size as the standard banner ads that are shown in the member's area so I case I decide go for the premium pay membership in diaryland it will be all set.

The forums in Alcobuds are actually a really cool place to hang and discuss various topics. So if you do decide to visit I'd recommend creating a username, login in and saying Hi. :) I'm the moderator of the Arrivals Forum which is an ultra-friendly place for greeting new members aka 'newbies'. ;)

Obviously, the continued lack of sexual grativication has given me lots of added, umm 'energy'. =p It's day 11 of my 40 days. I have some last-minute assignments and a final to study for, so bye for now. :)

NOTE: This entry was meant for last nite, but the host d-land was in the middle of a server upgrade, so here it is, a day late and a dollar short...

This morning was tough, my cock was pitching a tent in my sweatpants. I really, really wanted to stroke that mutherfucker down. I mean my cock was begging to be spanked. I mean FUCK!!! I'm really starting to lose my focus too. I got a major programming assignment due tomorrow and I haven't gathered enough motivation to even begin it. I'll have some fucking huge problems if I don't catch up with my schoolwork. Plus the whole lack of female companionship thing is irking me bigtime. It seems every female I've gotten interested in is either taken in some way relationship wise, lives a rediculously long distace away or even both. I guess it's better that way though, at least for the duration of my abstinence. I don't know how resistant I'd be to any female's charms at this point. I'd basically fuck any female that will let me right now. Crazy shit, really crazy shit. Anyway I gotta go to sleep, I'm so fucking tired...

I guess the site that hosts my images, www.imagestation.com is down temporarily. When I login to thier site all I get is this:

IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM IMAGESTATION

Sony ImageStation is currently unavailable for use. The site downtime is only temporary and is part of our ongoing efforts to improve the ImageStation service for your better enjoyment.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Thank you for your continued support,

The ImageStation Team

My diary pages are going to look incomplete to say the least, so for those bothered by it I do apologize. Hopefully imagestationwill be back up and running soon enough.

This denial of self-pleasure thing is going to be tougher than I thought. It has only been 6 days and already I am just SO fucking horny right now. It's like every part of my is aching for sex. O.O For some reason I don't remember being this horny the last time I tried this, then again it has been a longer period of time since I've had some really good sex and me missing that just coumpounds the situation. Part of me knew something like this was going to happen but it still doesn't make it any easier. *sigh* And if that isn't bad enough I'm starting to miss her, even just talking to her and I'm starting to feel emotional about it all. I'm not sure what it's all about but i'm sure it has somthing to do with my sexual deprivation. My focus is shot to hell anyhow, so no sense dwelling about it. I will let her know how I feel at the next available opportunity though. ;)

But anyway, I recalled this really wierd dream last Monday morning. It was after my alarm rang and I hit my first snooze. In the dream woke up inside my dream at a place that wan't mine but yet it was strangely familiar like maybe a relative's house, like i've somehow been there before. Anyway I was getting up to to go to the bathroom to take a shower. Once I got in, the shower door started opening and slamming violently and I had no idea why but I panicked and started screaming, pleading, apologizing and doing whatever I could to appease to this apparition, invisible presence or whatever it was that was causing the slamming of the door. Eventually the slamming subsided and the alarm started ringing again and I woke up for real. Yeah that was a fucking wierd dream.

Fuck, I'm hungry now, must be close to lunch time. I think I'll have a veggie burrito at Chipotle, or maybe the carnitas burrito. We'll see I guess...

When I'm just waking up, I'm not in complete possession of all my faculties. So I'm just lying there almost dazed in a half-dream state and between my legs there's this crazy throbbing morning hard-on. Gaining just enough stregnth and composure to resist the temptation of giving my cock a good morning rubdown is almost a rude awakening within itself.

God it's only day 2 and I already miss the blissful euphoric feeling of being able to pleasure myself. What did I get myself into this time? *sigh*

After some considerable contemplation, I've decided to go through with the 40 day thing. I know it's something I've already done before, so I'm not doing it anymore just to see if it could be done. I'm just tired of going through the same motions every fucking day and still having this unrealistic expectation and hope that things may someday change, that life will somehow become happier. I know it's not going to happen unless I make it happen and I have to start somewhere.

I'm also getting tired of being enslaved by my sexual desire. I'm tired of wanting women that don't want me the same way. So for 40 days at least I have an excuse to reject that which I normally lust after. This can of course backfire, because things that one resists often becomes more persistant, but it's not like I have a better strategy for myself at the moment. Besides even if I become this burning volcano of lust, I always have and I always will be able to maintain my cool exterior.

Aside from all that though, I don't think I'll try to hold any unusual expectiations as it's just another diversion I have created for myself. I will however keep an open mind because I'm always looking for the next epiphanny something that affirms why I am here, why I want to be here, in this life, in this exsistance.

So begins day 1 of Derrick's denial of sexual gratification...

I looked at the calendar this morning and I just noticed something, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday which signifies the beginning of Lent for most Christians, especially Catholics. It's tradition to give up something for Lent for 40 days and nights much in the way Christ sacrificed himself for the sake of humanity. Because it's almost impossible to fast for that long, most Christians give up something of thier everyday lives like giving up meat, or drinking alcohol or sweets for those 40 days and nights until Palm Sunday, the 40th day of Lent.

OK don't laugh but last year during lent I gave up sex. *ahem* I see you giggling back there. ;) Anyway, it wasn't too much of a challenge since I don't have sex anyway so I also had to give up pleasuring myself, and that was a very difficult thing to do. If you have ever seen the movie 40 days and 40 nights, the experience was very similar to mine except I did not score the really hot babe at the end. =p Consequently I got the whole '40 day no sex' idea from watching a trailer of that very movie.

I did wind up having really wierd and intense sexual dreams along with a much heightend sexual desire and very heightened sexual frustration. I developed a deeper understanding of myself. It was an enlightening, almost spiritual experience. Though I'm not very much into the religious aspect of this whole self-denial ritual, I can't argue the spiritual impact this particular act of self-denial has made on me.

I'm seriously considering going for another 40 days and nights of no sex and no self-pleasuring. I can't help but wonder, however if it will have the same impact on me as it once had. I wonder if I will be truly tempted and challenged this time by the prospect of sexual intercourse with the opposite sex and if so would I have the willpower to actually turn down any and all sexual opportunities. I mean in many ways I'm noble by circumstance, but I wonder how noble I'd be in the face of true temptation. :/

I have until midnight toinght to decide whether I'm going through with this or not. If I choose the path of not spanking the monkey, I have to stick with it for 40 days and nights until after midnight of Palm Sunday. Good times indeed. I'll post an entry around that time and let you know what I decided. =p