I've been thinking a lot about my life... (What else is new?) and I've arrived at a few realizations. One of my most stinging discoveries is that I will never be able to keep some of my latest new year's resolutions, namely, the ones concerning my dating and curbing my need for self-pleasuring. February doesn't not look all that promising in terms of dating. I'm still very much the lonely, single guy and my attempts to date last month wound up lukewarm at best. I am being overwhelmed at both work and school, leaving me little time, energy and/or resources to focus on much else.

When I do have the time and energy, even when I put forth my most focused thought, I simply cannot envision any romantic prospects aside from the momentary indulgences of my wildest imagination. Don't get me wrong, my wildest imagination can be good at times, but alas I am tied to the restrictions of the real world. Take one of my classes for instance, There's this female in one of my classes who I have been constantly making eye contact with since the first class. She very much reminds me of supermodel Naomi Campbell with a slender body, dark skin and prominent cheekbones. I'm not sure where she's from but she has this really sexy accent.

She usually sits to the front-left of me, almost across but not quite. The instructor's podium is right in front of me, so she sort of has to turn to the left to see him. Anyway, there was one lecture where I just noticed her looking at me over and over and over again and of course I couldn't help but look back. It's a reflex that just can't be avoided. It was fairly obvious too, because although she is already facing left she almost has to turn all the way around to see me.

So you are probably thinking, Derrick! What the hell is the matter with you? Why don't you make a move? I'd say that is a very good question. There's only one slight tiny thing wrong with this picture. The woman is sporting "the rock" on her left hand. That's right folks, she is wearing an engagement ring which means she's marked territory. One may argue that the lack of a wedding band would technically place her in the "still available", category. Hell, I've even thought about it once or twice (dozen) times, but ultimately I don't want to wind up with the karma of coming between anyone's soon to be marital bliss.

Still, I can't help but wonder why single and available females don't look at me the same way. I still feel very much like the "invisible guy". Although I am  flattered that I am getting some kind of attention, ultimately I'm still that lonely guy that misses the touch and the presence of a female. I still feel hopelessly incomplete and I see very little hope of that changing, for this moment and for the immediate future, especially considering the upcoming day of dread for singles, Valentine's Day.

What will be a day of love for most will be a day of loathe for me. I was quite ready to spend that evening wallowing in my own self-pity, but then one of my friends called, inviting me to Valentine's Day "Singles Only" night at Transit night club. I haven't been there since Thanksgiving Day Eve around the end of last November. I suppose it's about time I check out the single's scene again. Even though I usually come up dry at such outings, it probably wouldn't hurt if peeked my head out one more time. Consequently, the friend that I'm going out with has been my clubbing partner of my for the last few months along with her cousin. There was a time for a few months straight we went out every weekend without fail. She also happens to be the maid of honor for my ex-wife's upcoming wedding...

Speaking of my ex-wife, I have somehow turned into a surrogate "maid of honor" for her, a "man of honor" if you will. She has always been a good planner, but there are moments, like when she is dealing with her finicky bridesmaids that the stress of planning simply puts her over the top. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a guy and I'm not into the drama and planning of all this wedding B.S. but I was reminded of a time when my cousin Ray when he was still alive helped out his best friend's wedding. He was there to help her through almost every step of the wedding planning. If he were female he would surely have been the maid of honor instead of her sister who was her actual maid of honor and hardly did anything but complain.

That of course melted my heart to the point where I had agreed to help her in whatever capacity I could. I'm actually one of the only people she could talk to that can take her down from her stress and actually make her feel better. I figure that it's the least I could do. This is the kind of wedding she always wanted, the kind I could not provide for her because I was never in any financial position to. We had to do the City Hall wedding with only Ray, his former fianc�e, my ex's brother and his girlfriend and little daughter (her niece) present. Despite our "falling out" and divorce, we still remain very good friends. There will always be a place for her in my heart and despite the fact that she is seeking a life of happiness with someone else I do ultimately want to her to find her happiness and I will continue doing everything in my power to help her find that happiness.

Without a doubt my relationship with her was the best and most long-lived relationship I have ever had. So what went wrong do you ask? Well I have thought about this long and hard and I have come to the blinding realization that I am not ready. I wasn't ready then and I am still not ready now. Despite my obviously strong sexual desires and my powerful urges to consummate them I know that deep down I am not ready. I know that if I am lucky enough to find a female and I am luckier still that we find that we like each other, eventually we will reach that point of romantic bliss and the inevitable "falling out of love" stage thereafter.

It is then where the true test of a relationship will arrive and I will most likely fail. Why? Because I don't perceive myself as a complete individual. I wouldn't necessarily say it is a lack of self-esteem. I would say it is more a lack of self-actualization. This is compounded by the fact that I am 32 years old and I have yet to complete my bachelor's degree. Granted, I have been completely serious in my endeavor for the better part of the past seven years, but still it doesn't help to know that had I put in the same kind of effort earlier in my scholastic career I could have finished over a decade ago. In retrospect, it's almost bewildering  how much time, energy, resources and youth I have allowed to waste away, with very little to show for except wisdom gained from my own folly at the cost of irreplaceable resources and commodities.

I truly believe that this is a fundamental source of my lack of confidence. I need to overcome this obstacle before I can move on to grander challenges in life. Above all else I need to finish school. With that said, it is getting very close. I can almost smell it. Really I don't know to what capacity I can juggle school, work and a relationship on top of that, but I suppose the lack of diversion a relationship can potentially trigger is a partial blessing to one such as myself that is so easily distracted by females. Speaking of school, it's getting late so I better retire to bed. I have another long day ahead of me. I'll write more when I get the chance...