Before I was so rudely interrupted by the need for sleep and my subsequent career and academic obligations (been through a midterm and two midterm group projects which I will post about later), I did have a few more things in my mind I wanted to write. I wish I could throw down the gauntlet and say to hell with females and with dating and with love, but unfortunately it's not that easy. It seems I am doomed to be a lover, even if there is nobody to share that love with, a loveless lover� if you will. The hunger and craving will always be there no matter how much I think, talk or act to the contrary. Ultimately, the only way to satisfy me is to actually have a lover to help share and consummate these feelings I have inside me.

But I suppose with someone with complexities such as myself it is not that simple. I mentioned the thing about needing to finish my degree in my last entry. Even with that stron need, I hate to fall into the stereotypical role of the male provider because that would introduce the possibility of someone wanting me not for me as a person, but for my ability to provide. The thought of me having a whole bunch of money as the only means for me to attract a woman gives me that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't let the possibility of attracting a mate be my motivation for being an accomplished individual. Damn me if that those very thoughts haven't crossed my mind however, as if that is my only chance at effectively attracting females.

Despite all that, I still have a very real need to be the man I am capable of becoming. All this energy, talent, wisdom, passion and drive that I truly feel I possess, I need to focus all of it and become the man that I need to become. I've thought about it long and hard. It is the reason I still wake up in the morning despite my very real wishes for death to somehow rejoin Ray in the afterlife. It's the reason I drag my ass to a job that only uses a minimal fraction of the talents I possess. It's the reason I bust my ass taking night classes. It is why I have spent countless sleepless nights to make sure my homework and projects and exam cramming is done on a timely fashion.

I am doing this because I still have things left to do in this world. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I absolutely loathe it. Ultimately that is what my world has become I suppose. It is certainly not helping that almost every female whom I knew and desired as single women are dropping like flies one-by-one and finding boyfriends, lovers, fianc�s and ultimately husbands while I'm stuck in the infinite loop of loneliness �.

Females, listen to this, if you are cursed in love, get me to fall for you. This will guarantee fate will find you another man to take you away from me so you can find your happiness with someone else. It could of course be just a coincidence. But I don't believe in those silly little things. Seriously, it's been a constantly recurring pattern as of late.

But I digress, the loveless lover syndrome� is indeed a tough cycle to break because I don't think it can be broken with a mere casual affair. The thought that tears me up from the inside is that if I cannot even attract the least of sexual relationships which is merely to hook up to find sexual gratification, how could I ever hope to find the greatest of relationships which is discovering consummate and unconditional love? To say it is an equation in life that is not easily solved would be an understatement.

Despite the ongoing confusions of my life, I still need to make my choices. Completing my degree is still my utmost priority, followed by my work which enables me to continue my academic path. Although I cannot with all honesty say that women are completely out of my life because my desire for women is such a deeply ingrained part of my being, I can honestly say that women and sex, at least at this moment are not my priority. It has been almost 2 years since I've had sex, and despite my feelings to the contrary, I'm not dead because of it. Perhaps slightly blue in certain extremities, but no worse for the wear.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be looking and wanting and hoping. I don't think I can turn that part of me off even if I tried, but even so, I know that am here to fulfill a greater purpose, the betterment of myself and perhaps someday self-actualization. For now, sex would be the proverbial icing on the cake and not the entree. As for my search for "the one true love", I suppose it will be more of a passive search than an active one. There's no other way around it.

As for all to left comments to my last entry, thank you for your kind words and advice. I do apologize for not being able to respond to you all individually, but the need to sleep is nagging me to bed like an old wife and if I don't listen to her there will be hell to pay next morning...

I do think Alok put it best when he said "By the way, all the advice being dispensed here on waiting for the right person is all well and good, and is likely right, but I hope the others will understand that guys like you and me reserve the right to be bitter until the right girl walks into our lives." I couldn't have said it better myself bro.

Anyway the lonely bedroom beckons, so ladies and gentlemen I bid you adieu...