OMG! My fucking life! Where do I fucking begin? *sigh* I had this really long convoluted entry I typed out last Friday that kept rambling on and on about my confusions in life and my perceived failings as a human being. This entry is probably not much different with the exception that it will hopefully be slightly more streamlined and to the point and it will include yet another humbling epiphany about myself.

I guess I should start with this one girl. She's basically an acquaintance of my mom through work and to make long story short my mom wound up giving me this girl's email address. We have been doing the back and fourth "getting to know each other" thing, first with e-mail and then fairly recently on the phone. Although the email exchanges were rather ordinary, it was when we began talking on the phone that her personality really shined. I was actually hesitant to talk over the phone at first given that I'm not really much of a phone conversationalist. I think it was the fact that she started talking to me in my native language Tagalog. Even more surprising was fact that despite my inability to put an entire sentence together in Tagalog, I was able to understand 90% of what she was saying to me.

She had other endearing qualities as well, one of them being that she is a Cancer, a sign whose traits typically blend rather well with my own Scorpio sign. She's playful, sentimental and sometimes even emotional, especially over the phone. There were a few down shots as well and I should have maybe heeded some of the signs. One of them was that by our second conversation we happened to stay up really late over the phone and we have been doing so several times during the week typically staying on the phone past 3am and mostly because I hadn't been assertive when it came down to terminating the conversation. I suppose I am partially to blame for that, but I guess totally got caught up in the "getting to know each other" thing.

Plus, it really has been a while since I've been able to captivate a female like that. There are obvious exceptions of course with those who know me through my diary and especially those whom I have come into contact with because of this diary. I'm talking about something slightly closer to home however to someone with no previous knowledge of who I am through my writing. It's just me totally relating to another person and it was pretty cool.

Yeah, it was all well and good, but then came "the hitch". We have been e-mailing each other back and fourth since around Spring break, and it was totally casual. You see I've been totally suggesting that we should meet over coffee or something over e-mail since the beginning but she was hesitant at first which I suppose is quite natural. It wasn't until we began talking and actually "clicking" over the phone that she actually considered meeting me. What really seemed to put it over the top was that I sent her one of my pics over the email. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to reciprocate with her own picture as she had no recent picture available.

She did however express concerns with her weight and her looks in general. This was the point where I really tried to keep an open mind because there are women out who are slightly overweight that totally blow the whole thing out of proportion neglecting the fact that some weight especially in the right places actually makes females sexier and more attractive to most men. There are also people like me who despite their inherent attractiveness do not feel attractive and/or confident of their attractiveness for various reasons.

So Friday was the first day we were to meet. I really crossed my fingers and hoped that she would be someone who would at least mildly spark some physical attraction. Unfortunately this was not the case. Still, I totally didn't want this whole thing to go bust so I tried my best to maintain an open mind. I also tried to keep in mind how much I liked her before we met which was without regard to her looks.

Anyway, for this "blind date" of sorts we totally played it by ear. It was kind of late, because she was coming from the 'burbs after work and going home to get ready. She wasn't into the whole club thing or the bar scene so we wound up doing the dinner thing. She wound up paying for dinner which killed me on the inside because I felt like such a broke assed bitch. I couldn't even "go Dutch" at the very least front the tip. Yeah being jobless totally sucks ass. Anyway since I wasn't the one splurging I totally picked a reasonably-priced Mexican Place with decent food.

From that point on I was just totally being myself, opening doors, pulling chairs. I even fed her some of my dish which she thought was totally sweet. I totally winged it after dinner. She didn't really want to go home right away so we drove around downtown a little. I even nonchalantly drove by my slightly messy bachelor pad, parked in the 15 min loading zone parking and showed her my crib. She totally liked the view, but we couldn't stay long because I didn't want the car to be ticketed or towed. She also mentioned a spot by the beach she liked to visit and hang with her friends on occasion, so we drove by that spot, found parking and strolled to the beach.

We really didn't stay out long because it was rather cold out, so we headed back to the car. She still didn't want to go home so I drove back to my mom's place with the intention of popping in a DVD or something. Fortunately my mom was still up to take some of that heat off me. She was chatting with my uncle who is in from out of town and this was the first time they met face to face, having spoken to each other on numerous occasions prior at work. Anyway my mom had a few drinks so she was just chatter-boxing away about work and what not. After maybe an hour of this I was totally nodding off but I suppose it beat the awkwardness of her trying to cuddle up against me on the couch for the duration of a DVD. Finally, the hour started becoming indecent enough for her to want to go home and thus ended the seemingly never-ending date.

Oh but that's not the end of this story kids. My uncle knocks on the door around 9am for something so had to get my tired, lazy ass up. Since my ass was up already and since she drove home really late I thought I'd give a courtesy call to make sure she got home OK. I was thinking it was early and I'd be getting her voicemail, but she actually picked up. Anyway she said something in Tagalog about bringing some food over that she promised to my mom. She also mentioned something about making one of my fave Filipino dishes called Sinigang, which I mentioned to her that I liked. It's basically a kind of soup with a really tangy broth that is made with either meat or seafood and served with rice. I was half asleep, but she said that she needed to go to my apartment to cook this dish. I asked why she couldn't prepare it at my mom's place. I guess she didn't want to invade my mom's kitchen. Since I was in a half-dazed state I told her we would just play it by ear and I went back to sleep.

It wasn't until later the "Fatal Attraction" moment occurred. She somehow remembered me mentioning that I wasn't really up to the party my mom was throwing for my uncle so she got the idea in her head that she was going to drop off the food as she promised my mom. She was then planning to "call in" to the job she was scheduled to show up to so we could go to my apartment and she could make me dinner. I was like "Woah" and told her I had no plan of going to my apartment that night and that I was just going to hang and booze up at my mom's. Her tone totally switched, laying on the "but I already have all this food ready to prepare for you" guilt-trip thing. So I totally went on the defensive telling her that I didn't feel comfortable ditching the previous engagement and I totally didn't feel comfortable doing the dinner at my apartment thing unless I either got more comfortable with her as a friend or if it was something I initiated. Anyway, I think she got the idea because she re-scheduled her job thing dropped the food for the party off and apologized to me about the whole thing before she left for her job. I think she was kind of embarrassed by the whole deal. I told her not to worry about it but man, that kinda weirded me out. Nothing quite like that happened to me before.. But yeah that's my weekend thus far. Crazy isn't it?

But yeah, I think I discovered a few things about myself through that whole thing. One is that I can be a total push-over at times. I shouldn't have allowed someone I wasn't even attracted to, to take so much lead. I guess part of me didn't want to hurt her feelings and part of me didn't want to be a complete jerk over this, but man life is too fucking short to go through all that bullshit. I also wonder how much different this would have turned out if I found this girl attractive. I shudder at the possibility of me turning into some whipped bitch over some over-dominating type chick, just because she's pleasing to the eye. But yeah, part of me is sick at myself for being so fucking superficial. I mean if I look back at my relationship history, the females that were the most attractive were also the ones that walked over me the most. Still, is it too much to ask for a female with some balance? *sigh*

Anyway, I do have other news, but I'll save it for another entry.