I read one of T's recent back entries, I know it's addressed to men in general, but I couldn't help but wonder if it may have been directed even partially at me. She later explained in her next entry that there are underlying issues with her ex, and a few other ugly things like a dead body that turned up near where she used to live. Still being the guy that I am I have to wonder what I have done personally to contribute to this negative image that my gender seems to have embodied. In all fairness this is not directed at anyone in particular but to females in general.

I will be the first to admit that I personally suck at communication especially the verbal kind. I think where I am in life relative to those closest to me is a testament to that. Although there are things I try to do consciously to break out of my shell, by nature I seem to always retreat into some dark, lonely void. As of late it seems to be the place where I am most comfortable.

In terms of sharing my feelings, I have mixed ideas about the whole thing. There was a time in my life where I would have told whomever I had feelings for exactly how I feel. If she gave me butterflies, if she made my heart soar to the clouds, if she made time stand still, I let her know about it. This is not just one woman but several different ones whom I thought were attractive and intelligent. However flattered they may have been at that moment by those words, I believe they were ultimately the catalyst to the demise of those relationships.

If there was one thing I could think of to maybe extend any one of these fallen relationships to their fullest potentials I believe that one thing would have been time. If you are lucky, two people can have intense feelings for each other at the exact same time. Most of the time however one almost invariably falls faster than the other if at all. To me it's not a game of who should go first or who should act a certain way. It's just something that happens and if one or both persons have any trouble or fear of expressing these intense feelings in words I think it is because the person has been hurt before. Avoidance of feelings so intense I believe, is a natural defense mechanism.

I am also well aware that walking around with your heart closed to prevent pain will also keep your heart closed to other, grander feelings like joy and love and compassion. Simply put you cannot love with a closed heart. I try to be conscious of this and I do my best not to close my heart off to love. It is not the easiest thing in the world to do however especially when I feel so embittered and resentful towards life.

There's also the fact that much of what people try to communicate to each other are simply words with no meaning behind them. How many times has the words "I love you" been thrown at you and you feel some sort of compelling obligation to reciprocate those words even if the meaning may not be there at the moment? What about the times when you say "I love you" to a person and you feel like you are hanging off the edge of a cliff so vulnerable because you don't quite know if that "I love you" is going to be returned? What if that person says "I love you" back? Is that person returning that "I love you" because he or she truly loves you or is it merely a respectful reflex, like saying "Bless you" after one sneezes?

The answer to those questions are quite simple, words are fucking meaningless in of itself. The words "I love you" pale in comparison to the actual feelings of love. The words "I love you" can be so easily be manipulated, misrepresented and contorted from the feelings of "I'm appeasing you" or "I'm reciprocating you" or "I'm putting up with you for now until something better comes along". At best the words "I love you" are the icing on the cake, but only if the meaning of it is conveyed through a more powerful form of communication than words. They must be backed up by action.

If you want to know the way I feel about you, look at the way I look into your eyes. If you want to feel what I am feeling, find it in my embrace, in my kiss, in the way I penetrate you. That is how I fucking feel about you and for me it's nothing that can be conveyed in words. Those are my feelings for that moment. Other than that I cannot be certain. If I can make singular moments last forever I would, but obviously that is not within my power. I cannot predict the future. I can only take things moment by moment. That is who I am. To ask more of me is to ask more than what I can give at this time in my life.

If there is one thing I fear more than hurting myself, it is hurting another. Beyond what I have stated above, I think that is a major reason I choose to remain silent. I can't base anything on the chemistry that I feel, it has been wrong before. To base anything on a few moments of passion for me would be irresponsible without any way to back that passion up with something more solid. All I have right now are my own doubts, my own pain and my own darkness. If you want to share that with me, just keep reading my diary, this is where I release my venom. At this point I'm not even sure if there actually is anything else left for me to give. Maybe someday, hopefully yes but right now I truly don't know. Like the song goes, I'm sorry I can't be perfect...