OK, I wasn't planning on dragging this out more than it already has been, but things I wanted the least to happen is now happening. Really I don't know what to do about it except to maybe help clarify where I stand. Yeah, I know there's an issue with me venting in this diary about us and it largely began from my end but since we supposedly aren't talking, what the hell else am I going to do?

First of all, I'm not the the best communicator, not even fucking close. Every once in a while someone comes along and maybe I would get comfortable enough to talk with that person, but really if this diary didn't exist nobody would know what the fuck was going on in my mind because I'd never share it even if it might be something really fucking important. That's why I don't lock any of my entries and perhaps I never will. If it doesn't go on here nobody will ever know who I am on the inside. It's my own sick twisted way of being less lonely without actually having to put in the effort of being in a true friendship. Yeah, it's fucked up, I'm fucked up. I never gave anyone reason to think otherwise.

Despite all that I'm human, despite how much I may suppress my feelings, I still do have them. They are just fucking bottled up inside me most of the time. Honestly, yes I did feel something I mean how could I not? I haven't been intimate with anyone for almost two years prior and even counting that particular encounter, it wasn't all that good unit that all turned around a few months ago.

But with those good feelings came feelings of confusion, a whole bunch of confusion and lots of fear, emotions that I wasn't quite ready to deal with. It wasn't just one thing, but a whole bunch of things that were scaring the fucking hell out of me. Take someone who doesn't talk all that much and add something of true gravity and substance and put on top of that my deep-seated fear of intimacy, don't you think it would all make it that much more difficult for me to speak out and communicate? Well it was for difficult for me, insanely difficult, almost to the point where I almost didn't want to say anything at all in my diary or otherwise. That is how fucking fucked up I am.

Look, I know that there may have been better ways of handling all of this and possibly there could have been better ways to communicate but really is there any easy way of telling someone the feelings you have aren't quite the same as that person has for you? Ok I fucking admit that pouring it all out in my diary was the chicken-shit way, if not a fucking asshole way of doing things, I'm not going to deny it. Still, isn't it better to know despite my fucked up delivery than to have this whole fucking thing hanging in limbo?

All I can say is that yes, I'm a pretty fucked up person and no I don't feel very good about any of this. But still, I never asked for any of this. I was never looking to fall in love of to have anyone fall for me. I mean really, this is just something that happened. Although, certain feelings can sprout up literally overnight by sharing such intimacy, the opening up of my heart is an entirely different story.

That kind of thing is going to take time and patience a lots of overcoming of fear if at all. It's something so difficult that I doubt it will ever happen again in my lifetime. Hypothetically speaking, if it's my heart you wanted you may have already lost from the beginning because that just isn't something that I'm anywhere close to giving away especially at this moment of my life. I do want to reiterate however that I never meant to hurt anyone, especially you T and I'm truly sorry it had to come to all of this. If it make you feel any better I feel like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet...