Hey people, the sober version of Derrick is back. Aren't you happy to see me again? *hears crickets chirping* Hmm, didn't think so... =p Anyway, I'm really happy for spell-checking technology, otherwise my last entry would look totally fucked, well at least more fucked than it already is and that's really pretty fucked. I'm also wonder how many times the word "fucked" is going to appear in this entry. I'll tally all that up later.

Right now however, I should clarify some of the things I said last entry regarding my ex. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't all fucked up over my ex getting married within itself though it's certainly part of my issues. I've more or less been through the whole marriage thing so for now the idea of marriage is of absolutely no interest to me. Aside from that my ex and I, over the years since our divorce, have established a decent, platonic friendship and she has grown to be one of my closest, if not the closest friend that I have had since Ray died.

It's funny how much closer we had actually gotten since our divorce. A stark contrast from my inability to communicate with her without causing some terrible argument or difference in opinion back when we were wed. I suppose the transition into an unconditional friendship has helped foster the ability to connect, be honest with each other and to communicate our problems with each other.

Now that she is recently re-married however and moving out of state, in a way I feel like I'm actually loosing my best friend. I'm sure we will keep in touch, but with a huge change like this I know that things won't be quite the same anymore. I'll especially miss the little things, like having a steady movie partner, impromptu sushi dinners, mutual style consultations when shopping for clothes and someone to laugh at my dry wit. It seems she is moving on with her life while mine at the moment is almost at a dead standstill. Not the most refreshing thought I have ever had.

I think the most difficult part of this weekend was that I could not be there for my best friend at her wedding. Unfortunately, my past has caught up with me and despite our renewed friendship her parents have not forgotten the pain I have caused her when I left our own marriage and since then I have been disowned in their eyes. In a more perfect world, friends should be able to be there for each other, especially in the celebration of a significant life event such as this. I guess I can't blame her family though, they are the ones who had to witness the heartbreak I caused her. I suppose ultimately it's better this way, I don't know.

I guess it's all in the past now. My strategy of getting totally plastered Saturday night was more or less a success. I scored a really nice buzz and the next morning I was way too hungover to entertain any thoughts or emotions simple or complex. Nothing like a whole bunch of vodka to dull the pain of life. I think however that it's time to put all of this behind me.

My trip to Toronto close at hand and with it a well needed break for this beleaguered soul. I haven't been there to see my family in Canada since my paternal Grandmother died in February of 2001. Way too long a time I think. Hopefully 1 week is enough time to reunite with my family there and clear my mind before school starts again in September. Anyway, I think that is all for now.