I guess it's no secret, from my past few entries, I've been feeling kind of down lately. I guess one thing about being in a chronic rut is that even depression starts getting old. I'm fucking tired of feeling this way. Trying to turn my shitty life around has proven to be a bit of a challenge. Take Friday night for instance, I was seriously fiending for some diversion via libation but my financial state made that particular plan impossible.

Luckily I was able to put something together on Saturday night. I went out to a club with my cousin and and she quite graciously and serendipitously sprang for drinks, so huge thanks to mi prima. Of course I wound up spending a good portion of my own money as well, so I'm dangerously on the borderline of being a complete broke assed bitch. It was fucking blood money too, I needed that money to last the rest of the month, but I guess getting bombed was slightly higher on the list of priorities. Seriously, I needed to get my sick off and I did, so there.

One of my biggest sources of stress is my living arrangement. It has turned out to be one big convoluted mess. Since I am no longer gainfully employed, my mom suggested that I stay over at her apartment building over my summer break to save money on my living expenses like food, utilities, etc. while I wasn't doing anything. On top of all that, my step dad who has been separated from my mom for several years now, broke up with his girlfriend whom he was living with and needed a place to stay, so while I was in Canada a whole bunch of my shit got displaced because my sister moved into my room, her dad moved into her room and my stuff got moved to the basement apartment where my cousin resides.

Now that's all well and good until my cousin started posting fliers around the neighborhood advertising not one, but both of the empty rooms in the basement apartment. I understand the need for supplemental income since he spent a whole crap load of money renovating the basement for him to live in the first place and he's starting back in school. I don't know, we have a really cool bonding thing going on here, but I guess there are other things that are more important to him.

This is one of the reasons I miss Ray, he would have at least kept the smaller room for me to stay in and the money, no matter how fucking broke he was would have never been more important. I'm not going to say anything though since I can't expect anyone to be as tight to me as Ray was. I'll tell you one thing though, I really fucking miss him.

What got me really down is the loss of the free reign over my bachelor pad in downtown. I was kind of hoping that I would settle back there once school started especially since half of my stuff is still there. I was also kind of hoping that since I had to move out of the basement anyway, I'd just move all of my shit back to the old bachelor pad. Not having been there for half the summer I also miss that place, the solitude, the location, the balcony view, that place was my sanctuary, my retreat.

My mom had different plans. Since I'm no longer winning the bread and my unemployment payments is going to run out quite soon, she offered my bachelor pad to my step dad who can help cover the mortgage. So now I'll be moving right back to square one with my mom with no more cool downtown bachelor pad to rest my head in. I don't know what, but life seems to just suck worse and worse as time progresses. So now I have to move all my shit back upstairs after I have settled in quite comfortably. *sigh* I guess shit just happens...

The only reason I haven't went totally ballistic on my mom for doing this shit without at least asking me before volunteering my bachelor crib is because she said she needed my help with grandpa and she needed me to be around in close proximity. The person who raised me from childhood needed me to help care for him. In my heart of hearts how could I even begin to refuse? I guess life is the way it is...

Anyway, aside from all that, the first week of class has started out hard and heavy from the word "GO". We already have a project due this Thursday. Fortunately, the group I am in is very competent, a strange contrast from previous groups I have worked with, where I had to pull a lot of fucking weight. This is not to say that I'm not doing my share of the work but it almost threw me for a loop to see other team members take initiative, schedule and show up for meetings, making sure everything is done right and I even have someone who is helping with a significant part of the coding. Somebody fucking pinch me...

Anyway, I had to put up the class website and establish a groupware site for communication. We used MSN groups for our groupware and I have to say, despite it's limitations, it has been a total boon in terms of helping to coordinate the project. I highly recommend it over using just email for remote communication. I still have quite a bit of stuff on my end to dish out but my deliverable which is to convert our work into HTML so it's viewable over the web, has dependencies on the deliverables on the other members of the group. I have to develop the mock website for our fabricated company as well. Despite this being the Senior Project capstone course for the Info Systems and the Computer Science curriculum, my skills as an E-Commerce Technology major are coming heavily into play. I think I'll be running on 5th gear all the way up until the project is due, but the shit we are going to deliver is going to kick some serious muthafuckin ass.

I have to say, aside from that last session of liquor overindulgence, my return to school has really helped me rediscover my center. As time goes by the problems with money keeps mounting and with all the bullshit of me losing my bachelor pad on top of all that. I'd probably totally lose it and start destroying random objects if it weren't for school. I definitely have to emphasize this, the sooner I graduate and find a job, the better my life overall will be. It's really good that I have something to focus on other that all the fucking problems with my family and the ever-extenuating circumstances that comes with the lack of money. This is not so say that my life is all joyous and lovely, but it's a damn good diversion to funnel my thoughts and energy into something productive.

One thing that kind of threw me off is that my grandpa says I getting fat. I guess that happens when I've hardly been to the gym for most of the summer and since beggars can't really be choosers, I haven't really been watching what I have been eating lately. I stuff my face and yes, I'm a hungry man, I can put away a lot of fucking food if I wanted to. The main problem is that it goes right to my gut and apparently my face is starting to fill out as well.

Really though it's all a mixed bag. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "What a fucking lard-ass punk..." but there are other times when I see myself in the mirror and think "I'm just a sexy fucking beast baby!" Case and point, I was sitting in the lounge area in one of the buildings in my school, doing a little reading and waiting for my next class when this really fucking weird thing happened, females, ones of the cute variety, were fucking checking me out. It wasn't like the one random accidental stare that I may occasionally get from a member of the opposite sex. Hotties left and right were giving me eye contact, the kind you can't buy with a million dollars of balling money at the club. It was really getting so fucking distracting, not that I'm complaining but you could say that I got very little reading done. =p

Oh, I was able to help a damsel-in-distress earlier today too. There was this hottie at the vending machine and her candy got stuck in the delievery coil. So I banged and shook and shoved the damn thing until the bitch machine gave up the bag of peanut M&M's that it was holding hostage. She was very thankful of that gesture, but since I have absolutely no game, I wasn't able to work any of that magic into a hookup. Silly me, I really quite hopeless aren't I? Still, how could I not love going back to my school when such an overabundance of hotties exist there?

Anyway, look at the fucking time... 2:30am. I really have to stop doing these late-night/early-morning entries. Unfortunately it seems like the only time when I could actually catch a break. Oh well, that's fucking life I guess...