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Fuck, I don't know exactly what to say here and it's been a while since my last entry so expect a whole bunch of rambling and ranting on my end and consider yourself duly warned...

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Sometime after my last entry, my mom and I had a sort of falling out over a chunk of my savings that I have been depleting way too rapidly for someone of my lack of income. I was kind of in a bad spot because I couldn't exactly say "fuck you, it's my money and I can blow it however well I can see fit". I'm now officially living under her roof, she is helping me cover my tuition and my unemployment is probably already run out. The checks have stopped coming so I'll have to go over to the unemployment office and either try for an extension or find a part-time job to generate some income while I'm trying to finish school.

The main problem is that there are times when I've been spending money like I was still working. I really don't have a good excuse either, since I blew most of it going out drinking. I guess it's one of those instances where a solution to my anguish which is drinking my pain away has actually buried me deeper into my own rut. I guess the whole thing is an experience I'm not very proud of. I wound up doing something I promised myself I would never do which is cry in front of another person. I hate breaking down like that and showing my weakness, yet there I was a 32 year old man crying his eyes out to his mom like he was 10 year old. Oh how the mighty have fallen... In this tearful deluge I had to admit to her that I was spending my money on drinking because I thought my life was shit. I told her that I felt guilty as sin because a 32 year old man is supposed to be somewhere in his life and as a man I am not supposed to go back to my mom for help and I apologized to her even trying to think about using her like that.

I guess at that point she felt sorry for me because she told me that no matter what I do I can never take advantage of her. She just wanted me to be aware of my financial situation and how much more money I'm spending than taking in. I told her that I won't be like this forever and that I'll pay her back once I get back on my feet, but somehow this argument wasn't as much about the money as it was for me to snap out of it and to get with the damn program.

Speaking of which, I contacted my ex-boss from where I took my internship to see if that paid internship offer still stood. It turns out that the operation is in the process of relocating but he told me to contact him the first week of October because he may have a few projects lined up for me. Although is initial offer was really low, I guess it's better than nothing at all. I'm also considering other part-time work if that whole thing doesn't pan out. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge once I get there.

Aside from all that, a really weird thing happened to me in school the other day. I saw my name on the Dean's List for last Spring. It's the first time I've ever been on the dean's list since I was at best a C+ to B- average student in my early college career and later in my college career when I started getting serious with school, I attended classes almost exclusively part-time due to work, so I was essentially disqualified from the Dean's List all those years. I guess some changes are good.

While I'm on the subject of school, my Senior Project is starting to stress me out. The Professor is disorganized and quite ambiguous about specifics he wants delivered from our groups. Part of me feels that if I don't step in and help micro-manage, the deliverable that I don't put my hand in are not going to be up to par. The catch is that if I divide my attention to help other people along with their deliverables, I won't be able to get the hardcore programming accomplished and I'm very likely the only one in the group that can code the application. In other words, if I can't figure out how to get the code working we are all going to be fucked anyway.

I guess, while I'm not working yet, I could pour in all my time into the project. It's one of my last classes after all... As for my other class, I'm doing rather well. I'm caught up with the reading and I have completed the first assignment way ahead of schedule. Since the other class is a Software Project Management class, I can apply some of the tools and techniques from there onto my Senior Project class.

As for this diary, you may see me updating here less and less. A somewhat critical note was left concerning my last entry and I kind of got pissed about it, went off the deep end and blew up about the whole thing in another diary that I kept to keep in contact with friends on livejournal. I figured it was safe for me to rant about this person on there, but as dumb luck would have it, a mutual acquaintance who was linked to both my diaries read that entry and relayed it straight to the person I was ranting about and what I thought was a relatively safe way to vent totally blew up into this whole dramatic event.

Anyway, what I gathered from all this is that I have a lot of venom that is seething inside me and as of late it doesn't take much to trigger it. Everything is starting to piss me off and if I don't step back and try to find a release for it, people around me even those that are barely and distantly connected to me are somehow going to wind up feeling hurt and I don't want that to happen. I'm not sure what is going on, but as of late I have become a very angry person. It is as if I'm losing control of myself and the calm, cool and collected person I once was is starting to walk away from me leaving this ugly vengeful beast. I'm not sure what the fuck this is, but it can't be any good.

Don't worry though, this isn't a goodbye. I'll try my best to keep up with old acquaintances in this diary and I may occasionally update here if something good actually happens in my life. I think the time has come however, for me to flirt with the idea of having a new diary, one where it's just about me unleashing the venom and hatred that is festering inside me. No friends, no confidants just me being angry at myself and at the world. Hopefully the end result is that all the evil that is inside me gets released and I can continue my life functioning at a capacity that is as normal as possible.

As for where this new diary is going to be, I haven't figured that one out yet and even if have, revealing the location of it to people I know will kind of defeat the purpose of having an unknown and anonymous place to unleash the fury, so do me a favor and don't even fucking ask. You probably don't want to know what's really on my mind at this point anyway...