I've been finding it harder and harder to come up with words to put into this diary. I guess it's funny in that this particular diary has often been a haven for my thoughts. Life, however has a weird way of adding degrees of complexity to almost any given situation. So much so this inanimate technology used to transmit my words through the ethernet has somehow evolved into an accurate facsimile of the convoluted mess that is my life.

I had this overwhelming temptation to pick up and leave this diary for various reasons, but the most hideously obvious one was that I could not freely unleash the fury of my words, no matter how ambiguously I tried to reference them, for fear that the reader may actually discover that I'm actually referring to them. Frustrating to say the least.

One unexpected discovery from my last entry however, is that not very many people actually cared about what I have to say, or at the very least cared enough to talk to me about it. Come to think of it, less than a handful of people even bothered to mention anything to me about it with any degree of care.

I think it's cool though, because in an oddly serendipitous way, I got what I wanted, a diary with an almost non-existent audience to which I can randomly spew my useless thoughts. To tell you the truth however, I'm just too damn lazy to come up with another diary, trying to think up of another screename that fits me, creating another template, speaking in another voice. I just don't have the fucking energy.

But it's not just that, the venom that was once coursing through my veins and eating away at my soul with the feeling of hatred against the world and everyone in it seems to have subsided and the derrick who doesn't really care about anything seems to be making a comeback. To quote my favorite movie, it's the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide...

I guess I can't say that totally don't care about anything at all. School for one has been a constant and recurring thought and at the forefront is my Senior Capstone Technology Project. What contrasts this project from the many other group projects I have had to go through is that I actually have team members that not only take the initiative, but actually put both time and effort into the project.

This is not to say that this project is not without its frustrations. I seem to have the distinction of being not only the most technologically inclined person in the group, but I also have the ability to make everyone else's work look better and more presentable. In other words a good deal of the final deliverables go through me before they get presented in class. Also, being the webmaster of the group, I'm the only one who can update the online content for the group projects.

I suppose this is all well and good, but the time is close at hand where I am going to have to do the programming for this project and other than testing and documentation I don't think anyone in the group will be able to help me out with what I need to deliver. So not only am I responsible for getting the group project documentation online, but I'm also responsible for the developing a working prototype of the web application and the mobile phone application.

I kind of wish I had the chance to start development on it sooner, but this whole past week I was busy helping everyone else out and making sure all the requirements for the presentation were satisfied. I guess it doesn't matter, I'll see this one through just like all the others. If there is any extra time I would totally train someone else to do the online documentation, but seeing that the quarter is almost halfway through for the sake of quality I'll just hang in there for another 5 weeks. All the frustration and bitching aside however school does keep me productive and focused. If I can find a way to channel the kind of person I am in school into a solid career I'll be all set.

If school isn't enough of a source of frustration however, try living in the same house as my mother. If I still had a 50-story balcony to fling myself off of, I'd probably do so in a heartbeat. I haven't entertained the thought of suicide in months, but man she isn't helping at all. I wish I can take all these fucking ugly thoughts out of my head and dump them somewhere. FUCK!!!!

Ok... trying to be calm and rational... *breathes* The obvious solution to my problem is to finish school, find enough of a job that I can get my own place and move my ass out of this unholy mess. The secret to a relatively blissful existence, at least for me is to remove my mom from my equation financially. Her and I have different economic philosophies. I know she's good with money and she can function a very long way on a very small amount, but man the nitpicking and the nagging must end. She's a fucking cash Nazi I tell you!!! But enough about her...

Let me tell you the real reason I'm so fucking angry. It's because I have no fucking sex!!! People around me are getting laid left and right. So what's my problem? Well I'm glad you asked. I think I've developed a huge ugly lack of self-esteem complex. I'm at the point where I'm defeating myself before I even try and at the core of this insecurity is how I see myself.

For some reason I picture myself as a guy that no woman can possibly want. I mean sure, with my marginal looks I might be able to catch momentary attention, but when I look at myself at this very moment I'm not liking what I see and if I don't like myself, how can I expect anyone else to possibly like me. I mean honestly, if you saw a 30 something guy who lost his job, moved back to his parent's house and is still trying to finish school, what would you think? Yeah, I thought so...

You would think that being a nice guy would help, but as the clich� goes we always seem to finish last. I don't know, I feel that somewhere in between the struggle of me trying to make something of myself lies a guy that wants to be cared for and to be loved and had endless love to give in return. That guy is afraid to come out and in a way I don't blame him for cowering in some dark corner of my psyche.

I don't think the asshole version of myself works too well either. I think I carry things to the extreme way too many times, one of the inherent flaws (and strengths if it can be focused) of those under the Scorpio sign. That's why I can't hold any hatred in my heart because I will hate you with all my passion and I don't want that. I'd rather love you with all my passion. And by you I mean "you" in general and not specifically. Unless "you" are looking for the hot beef injection, then by all means drop me a line... ;)