I've been having this recurring dream, in fact I woke up from this recurring dream this morning. The details are of course vague and fuzzy, but one overwhelmingly common trait to this recurring dream is that Ray who was my best and closest friend, my first cousin and who passed away more than three years ago is a part of those dreams.

It's weird because in those dreams it's like he was never really gone, like he has always been there. Imagine feeling one of the deepest connections of one of the truest friendships one human being can make with another and then waking up to the reality that he's gone, he's dead and he's never going to fucking come back. How am I supposed to fucking move on with this abysmal feeling of emptiness in my heart? Can you blame me for not wanting to live another moment of this life?

I don't know, it's like my psyche is trying to fill my emptiness and to compensate for my need to no longer feel lonely in this existence. It's difficult having emotions of this intensity and not having anyone with whom I feel comfortable enough to share them with. It's weird having to wake up in tears because the blissful feeling in my dreams is not and can never be part of my reality. Someone please take the back of their hand and slap me as hard as possible and tell me life doesn't fucking suck this badly and tell me to get the fuck over it already... Fucking hell this is frustrating.

My mundane waking life isn't fairing much better either. There really isn't a place I truly feel at home anymore. I feel displaced as if I lack a sense of belonging. This is a disconcerting feeling since I'm basically back in the home of my childhood but it doesn't quite feel like my home anymore. I lived in many places before, even moving to and from my childhood home but somehow I have always felt grounded and never displaced. Now I don't even feel at home in the place where I was raised as a child and I am struck with this sickening feeling.

I really hate to admit this but I actually prefer the lassie-faire version of my mom, the one who was barely there for me throughout my childhood and early teens and really didn't really care enough to take an active role in my life. Life was happier and more care free back then. There was a few years when her re-entry into my life was a welcome one, after I got divorced almost five years ago and was feeling quite pathetic and lonely (yeah, I was down back then too) yet I was making enough money to help support her when she was unemployed. I don't know, back then my mom for once in my life actually felt like my mom and I actually started feeling closer to her. What a fucking difference money, or the lack thereof makes however.

Now the tables are turned, she's working and I'm not. There is an added twist too, the burden of almost the entire family is now resting firmly on her shoulders and the stress is most certainly getting to her. I'm getting blasted for every little mistake or oversight I make, especially those of the monetary kind, but it's not only that. This once meticulous person is starting to slip and make mistakes of her own which I have to help clean up. It's almost too fucking scary what's going on here.

What's worse is that I'm stuck here at least until I finish school. I totally want to get the fuck out of here. I can feel my soul rot in this place. Sure I can get a part-time job until I finish school and by this weekend I would know if my internship would be willing to take me back, but I also know that at best it would be merely a band-aid unless I can completely shoulder my own financial burden and perhaps even help out the rest of my family who is in need. Hopefully I can just hang in there and not blow a gasket in my brain, at least until I can return to my earning potential and be once again financially independent. I just need to focus on that light at the end of the tunnel and hope it's not an fucking oncoming train...