I had another dream with Ray in it. This one wasn't as emotionally intense as the last dream I detailed in my last entry. In fact the dream seemed much more matter-of-fact than before, sort of a flashback to the way things were. I guess I should rewind a little. Once upon a time, all of my cousins would gather every Sunday to take grandpa out for brunch. This was back when grandpa was still relatively healthy and walking and Ray was still alive. I guess you can't really appreciate those little slices of joy until they are actually gone from your life because the human tendency is to simply take what you have for granted. 

Anyway the dream was almost a total flashback of one of those moments, having that Sunday brunch with my grandpa and Ray and the rest of the cousins, nothing really significant or cerebral about it. It was basically us just eating together. I guess it's interesting since it really has been a long time, years practically since we all had actually partaken of such a brunch and seeing Ray again in my dream like he had never gone. It's especially weird how the past, even though you can never actually go back to it, can come by and touch you in ways you can't possibly expect.

Aside from the recurring dreams of Ray, I've been going through an unusual personal struggle in my waking life and although I am beginning to hate admitting something that I have easily admitted dozens of times before in this diary I guess I can't help but continue to admit my weakness because it is indeed my truth. Now I apologize if this is old news but truth be known, I am so fucking unbelievably horny. OK there I said it.

So OK, I guess I now have to go over the reason I'm so hesitant to admit such an obvious fact that derrick is indeed one horny bastard. The answer is fairly simple. Well actually it's fairly complex, but I'll try to make it simple.

1. I need companionship.
2. I need to touch and to hold and to kiss and to embrace.
3. I need to make love, to have sex, to have a wild, screaming, swinging off the vines wild monkey-style fuck (you get the idea).
4. I don't want to have a need for anything, especially sex.

You see #4 is a relatively new concept I've been flirting with, to eliminate certain "needs" from my life, especially those of a sexual nature. I guess it's not a totally new concept, I mean I've thought about it before, but more often than not I've always embraced, even celebrated the side of me that craved all things sexual. I guess I have always regarded the sexual act as the path to my personal Nirvana especially when the emotional and the physical are aligned and I open myself enough to allow the intensity to flow.

I'm starting to realize that the sexual act at best can only provide a momentary glimpse of Nirvana and it is not the path to Nirvana itself. Now granted, the times when I was in actual post-sexual bliss were very few, arguably too few and very far between but during those times I actually thought I was there, like this is it, how can I possibly want anything more in my life? Obviously and unfortunately attainments of such intensity are often brief and fleeting. As the often contradictory human nature goes however, the less and less I have sex, the more and more I want it. Because of the constant unfulfillment, it has been a ongoing and almost overwhelming source of frustration hence the want of #4 objective stated above.

It's not just the lack of sex that is steering me to this conclusion however. It's my utter contempt and disdain for my instinct and intuition when it comes to the opposite sex. Too many times I seem to be attracted to females that have absolutely no interest in me and I just utterly strike out. But then I stumble onto the rare occasion where a female who is totally interested in me but my level of sexual attraction for that same person is almost if not totally non-existent.

Of course it's not always that "cut and dry". There are many shades of gray in between, women who show a mutual interest in me but are somehow unavailable,for reasons such as having significant distance between me and the other person. Sometimes there are even women who are taken that have shown interest in me which has been a significant mind-twister for me since I would like to think of myself as an inherently good person and not the kind of person that would purposely divide an otherwise satisfactory relationship. Then there are certain women that I have absolutely no clue about but somehow they still lay in the periphery of my life not wanting to totally step out of my life but never wanting to totally step into it either. To them I say WTF? 

But anyway, my dilemma should be obvious by now. I have a powerful sexual desire coupled with the idea that little if any lasting good can come from pursuing that sexual desire. I want to consume, I want to be consumed and I know that following that path could very well lead to my personal ruin. Am I right in feeling this way or am I being too jaded with life and the whole sexual thing? I guess I can't really be certain either way.

Still, I guess it can't hurt for me to pursue things other than just sex. My degree is almost finished and with it the hope of a new career and possibly the re-attainment of my independence financially and otherwise. I have to face the very real possibility that I need something more to offer a woman than just being tall, dark, handsome and good in bed. Although those things probably don't hurt, I also have to face the possibility that I'm not getting any younger and all of those "assets" will eventually slip from me as well.

Most importantly, as dismal as it may sound, I have to be prepared for the very real possibility that I will be spending the rest of my life alone, not that I'm looking forward to that possibility but looking at my life and how I am with women this is not an impossibility. I probably shouldn't be making any predictions since I'm no psychic but there are times when the thought is just unavoidable and as of late I haven't had very many good experiences to help counteract that negative way of thinking.

Anyway I'm going to crash. This day sucked anyway, no reason to prolong it by staying awake...