It's officially my b-day, October 24th. I'm not quite sure how to feel at this point, but I guess I'm hanging out on the corner of melancholy and indifference. I went out with a friend and her brother on Friday night for my b-day to a place called Sound Bar. It was a really cool spot. We got in free of cover because her bro was on the guest list. Although she's married with kids now and we can't hang out nearly like we used to, it was really cool of her to invite me out like that.

It's not only that, but she was totally springing for drinks. You could say that she's normally frugal and when we hang out we always go "Dutch" so I was completely prepared for a dry run that night, but she wasn't having any of that. She said she had deep pockets (marrying a doctor has it's privileges =p) and that I didn't need to nurse my first martini which she purchased by the way.

While graciously thanking her and accepting her offer of contributing to my inebriation, in my mind I was like w00-h00! So I had myself one martini, then I had myself another one and then another one, then I had myself a J�ger bomb, then another then I switched to Vodka and Red Bull and had a few more of those and things got a little blurry after that. We danced a little and walked around the club. I'm not sure what happened after that. I think she had to cut out early so she cabbed it home because she promised her hubby she'd be home at a certain time.

I hung out with her bro for a little bit and at that point we were both wasted. I was ready and willing to drive home, nothing I haven't done before, but he actually got his girlfriend to cab over to us and she drove my car back to my friend's place where is car was parked. She seemed a little miffed because she wasn't talking at all, but still it was awfully nice of her to just pick up and drive us like that.

Once we got there they got into his car and drove off, but not before telling me to crash at the house and not to drive. After they left I told myself fuck that. I didn't want to put out my friend and her family and wake up her husband and kids while my drunk ass crashes at their place. Besides at that point I was sobered up enough that I drove home which was pretty near by anyhow. The alternative was to sleep in my car and I wasn't really feeling that noise.

Anyway, I woke up the next morning still buzzing and spent the better part of today (Saturday) with my brain hung over and at it's diminished thinking capacity. In other words I was PFU [pretty fucking useless] all day.

Who you tryin to get crazy with ese?
Don't you know I'm loco?

To da one on da flamboyant tip
I'll just toss that ham in the fryin pan
like spam, get done when I come and slam
Damn, I feel like the Son of Sam
Don't make me wreck shit, hectic
Next get the chair got me goin like General Electric
Annnd, the lights are blinkin I'm thinkin
It's all over when I go out drinkin
Ohh, makin my mind slow
That's why I don't fuck with the big four-oh
Bro, I got ta' maintain
Cause a nigga like me is goin insane

Insane in da membrane.. insane in da brain!
Insane in da membrane.. insane in da brain!
Insane in da membrane.. crazy insane, got no brain!
Insane in da membrane.. insane in da brain!

• B-Real - Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain

So now here I am, it's my birthday and I'm another fucking year older jobless, homeless and mate-less. Things like that never used to bother me for the better part of my 20's. All I needed was a couch to crash on fuel in my tank and enough money for fast food and I was good to go. I had a steady girlfriend and a decent sex life and my best friend Ray was still around and we had some really fucking good times. Amazing how things change. I can't believe I'm fucking 33 already, that's just crazy THIRTY-THREE!!! Ugh!

It's not so much the number as it is my place in life. If it weren't for my school I'd have absolutely nothing at this point, but even with my almost completed education, I can't help but feel like I'm a total fuck-up. I can't seem to get anything right, my career, my love life and life in general all just hanging by a thread of hope that something good may to happen to me and that maybe I can turn my life around and actually make something of myself.

I just want to take the idea of my having b-days and just crushing them into utter fucking oblivion. I guess in a way it instills in me a sense of urgency, like some ever-ticking clock is ticking my life away one year at a time. Anyway, what-the-fuck-ever man. I just wanted to spend a few moments not being sick of my own life and fortunately I do have those moments, like when I was drunk on Friday night or when my mind is in the zone, focused on my coursework. I shouldn't forget to be happy about the little things because life is just too fucking short and it's getting shorter with every passing moment.

Another friend of mine relayed something that just seemed really fucking profound to me. She was doing a coffee run at a drive-thru Starbucks out in Portland suburbia, and I noticed level politeness that I'm not really used to. So I tell her, not in these exact words that her drive thru people are really fucking polite. She said that's nothing, there's this one barista that goes above and the call of duty saying stuff like "Welcome to Starbucks, what can I make for you today?" and actually mixing up some really good shit.

When asked why he's in such a good mood, he answered something along the lines of him hitting some major depression and just one day stumbling upon a revelation. I'm not sure if it was a self-revelation or if someone helped him with it, but his outlook in life changed in a major way. Instead of looking at the things in his life as things he "has to" do, he looks at them as things he "gets to do". He doesn't "have to" go to work every day, he "gets to" go to work and in doing so he feels privileged. He doesn't "have to" serve you coffee, he "gets to" serve you coffee and it is his pleasure to do so.

Applying this outlook into my own life it's easy to find the things in life I am privileged to have. I get to go to school and I get to finish my degree. I get a chance to do very good work and to evolve and apply my talent. I get the chance to be with my family to have a roof over my head even if it's not my own. I get to see my sister mature into an adult. I get to take care of my grandfather and help return the favor, in some small capacity, of him raising within me the best parts of the man I am today. I get to add another year to my life, another year which I could have just as easily not have had. And most importantly, I get to trim the pubes off my crotch to a nice #1 length thanks to my handy new pair of clippers, which reminds me of my new campaign slogan "shave bush". =p

Oh, I forgot to mention, the owner who I interned for unpaid last summer called me back and offered me a part-time job as a continuing paid intern. The offer was really low, like only $7.50/hour, but I guess it's good enough for now since it's in my line of work which means I can use it to enhance my resume and the hours are flexible enough that I can work around school. Meanwhile I'm stepping up my efforts in my job hunt. It's only a matter of time before I nail that biatch and land myself a full-time paying gig w/ cool benefits. Bitches better recognize my fucking skills and give me my damn money! I love you, therefore I bitch slap you! Don't make me give you the back of my hand! WHAT? You've been out all day and all you got for me is $7.50? HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *bitchslapped*

Anyway I'm kinda getting tired and it is my b-day so I'm going to grant myself some sleep action. All I need now is a willing female recipient for my cock and I'm a fucking happy man. Any takers? ;) *does his best Chef from South Park impression* Feel my SWEEEEEET muscle of love, oooh yeah baby! ;)