I'm not sure if words can accurately describe what I have been feeling as of late, but hell since this IS a diary I might as well give it a shot. The best analogy I can give is that of hunger. Not in the direct literal sense because I usually do a good job, almost too good a job (thanks to junk food) of feeding myself in that respect.

My hunger however, goes deeper than the need for sustenance. If you haven't already noticed form my past few entries, I may have also mentioned a slight sexual hunger and that's really putting it mildly. The want to devour a female sexually has been a very difficult thought to escape lately. I wish I could just put it on the shelf and reserve it for later use but it seems that the more I try to resist it in my mind, the more it seems to persist. This is not very cool because not too many females are safe from my sexual wants. I would go into excruciating detail into what I want sexually from a woman, but I'm not sure it would be helpful to my cause at this point so I'll save that for a later rant session.

What can be even more surprising is that this hunger goes beyond the sexual. Life in general has not only been a constant source of frustration but a seemingly endless list of lessons in humility. It's almost like climbing a mountain, with persistence and perseverance one can eventually make it to the summit, there you can take in the glory of your accomplishment and say "I finally made it". But where do you go from there? Eventually you have to come back down from that peak and back to normality. Sometimes you even get knocked down and it's a fucking hard fall, like the time when Ray died, or the times I have fallen in love and fallen hard. There were times when I was happy, when I thought nothing could be better only to have that feeling stripped of me. Why does life have to be such a fucking tease?

With frustration comes anger and with that comes a different version of derrick. On the positive side this combination of yearning, hunger and frustration fuels my want and need to conquer life's challenges and perhaps to conquer life itself. On the negative side, my war is divided into too many fronts. It seems I cannot do well on one battle without somehow sacrificing and perhaps losing another battle.

For some reason the way I operate, I can do one thing really well while the other things around me starts to wither and die. I think this is what is happening with me and school, for the past few years I've been a damn good student but the other things around me like my career, my friendships and my love life have been slowly dropping off one by one. Even this very diary, my one time passion is suffering from my neglect.

I wish life was more about costs, compromises and sacrifices but lately it seems like that's what it is all about and it fucking sucks. It sucks not being able to express my passion, it sucks even more that I have to constantly repress it. Fuck it, if that's how it is then so be it. Eventually I'll learn not to want or need anything. Who the fuck wants it anyway? I say in the end it's all fucking bullshit anyway and this rant is fucking over...