Dude, I can't believe tomorrow is going to be December. First it was like woah and then it was like WOAH! then it was like wooooooaaaaah. Suffice it to say that I am neither mentally nor financially ready for any type of Christmas Holiday. The holiday depression hasn't really kicked in yet. I think I'm feeling more indifference than anything else regarding the upcoming holidays. The only reason I actually noticed the holidays were imminent was because the lite "elevator music" radio station that was being piped through the Quizno's near my work were playing back-to-back Christmas songs whist I was munching on my toasted turkey bacon sub. But yeah, holidays *pfffffft*. I say we skip the entire winter season and move right onto spring. Winter is too fucking depressing anyway, that and it makes having to wait for 2 different busses on the way to work really suck. Who's with me on this one? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? *in Ben Stein voice ofc*

So where did I leave off last entry? Oh yeah my grades, I'm still waiting for the official grades, but one of my professors was nice enough to email my final grades before it got officially posted so I know for sure I got an A in my Senior IT Project course. I may have to send an email to my other professor if he doesn't post the final exam score for my IT Project management class. I'm rather curious about how I did on my final for that class. It's all just a matter of time I guess. Seriously though I can't wait until the diploma is in my hand and eventually nicely framed on my wall. That would be so fucking money.

Speaking of money, I haven't really began the "hardcore" search for a new job yet. If you want to do something right you got to do it hardcore. It's like pornography, sure you can watch the softcore crap, lots of pretty faces and pretty bodies surrounded by something that vaguely resembles a plot. The problem is that you barely get to see the "Full Monty", there is no penetration to be seen, neither is there any oral or anal action and you can fucking forget about the "money shot". I don't think bodily fluids are even involved in such productions. No, if you want to get off, it's gotta be hardcore baby. Hardcore all the way! Wait, where was I going with this? *ahem* Oh yeah, the job search. Dude, I'm such a fucking procrastinator. I have to work again tomorrow, but this Thursday it is so fucking on. I'm going to make Monster.com my bitch. I'll be like "You've been out all night and you haven't found me a job yet?" HOOOOOOOO!!! *HUGE-ARC-SWING-FIVE-FINGER-OPEN-BACKHAND-PIMPSLAP*

I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well OK maybe not... Whatever. Anyhow, I also mentioned lack of sexual action in my last entry. A sex fiend without a sexual fix, really now, that can't be good for anybody. It's ugly I tell you, with a capital UGLY. I think my problems lie much deeper than a simple lack of sexual gratification. I'm not sure what it is though, I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think a huge part of my dilemma however, is my almost complete lack of understanding of the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong it's not like I'm not infinitely fascinated with the enigma that is the human female. It's just that whatever knowledge, wisdom and intuition I believe I possess, it doesn't seem bring me anywhere closer to any type of intimate relationship. Going through a "dry spell" is one thing. Spending the majority of your life in loneliness is another thing altogether.

I start to wonder about things like the kind of person I have come to be. The conclusion I seem to arrive to more and more is that I am simply the kind of person who is destined to be alone and misunderstood, so much so that I am starting to prepare myself for the very real possibility of confirmed bachelorhood. I'm the starving hunter who is eventually going to starve to death because of my gross inability to catch prey. Even the mighty lion will die if the famine of winter persists for too long.

Perhaps I'm just being way to metaphorical for my own good. Perhaps I just suck. Speaking of sucking, I think life definitely sucks. Well, at the very least, life it not without it's little ironies. It seems the two women whom I had fallen in love with the most and with whom I was the most intimate with (my ex-wife and the drop-dead gorgeous chick) they have both wound up not only marrying other people but they are also starting to have children with men who are not derrick. It's enough for me to go WTF? The drop-dead gorgeous chick [DDGC] told me about her impending child last May in a email which I relayed in this entry. With my ex-wife it was actually quite recently, perhaps the beginning of November that she shared the news of her pregnancy with me.

Somehow, the news of my ex-wife's didn't feel like the "final-nail-in-the-coffin" like it did with the revelation of the DDGC's pregnancy to me back in May. I think it is because of the friendship we had established after our divorce. I felt genuinely happy that she is finally able to have the baby she had always wanted. I think that was one of the major reasons for our split, she was ready and I wasn't. I am happy fate was able to provide what I wasn't ready to give her at the time. Actually, I remember from before she had gotten engaged, I was more than willing to be her "contingency plan". She really wanted to have a baby before she turned 40 and if things hadn't worked out with the guy that she eventually wound up marrying, I would have been the one to father her child. Although that would have been an very interesting outcome, I guess it wasn't really meant to be.

Still, if anything, I think it really helps reinforce the idea that I am capable of unconditional love. I mean here is a woman whom I had divorced, and in respect of her marriage choice I have ruled out any possibility for any form of romantic intimacy and she is having a child on top of that. I think that the fact that I can still care for her and I can still be happy for her and that I can still be there for her as a friend despite our past, I think that says something. I think, maybe, if I have the chance to extend that kind of caring, those kinds of feelings to a woman who is not romantically involved but is still open to a relationship with me, I think good things might happen.

Until it actually happens though, it's all just one huge supposition, leaving me with the reality that I am still very much alone in this world and it may be that way for me for the rest of my life. I know, it sucks, but reality is one difficult fucker to argue with. Anyway, that's all I have to get off my chest for now. Hopefully by next entry something good will come into my life and totally blindside me. One can only hope right?