Have you ever gotten the feeling that some significant life change is coming just over the horizon, but you aren't sure if you are ready for it and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it from happening? Because that's kind of how I'm feeling right now. I'm still trying to decide if these series of changes are good or bad. I want to stay on the positive side and say that change, any change is good and it's part of the cycle of life, but I suppose time will ultimately tell just how good or bad things will wind up.

Am I being too vague? I probably am. Sorry, it's just my nature to beat around the bush I guess. Lots of thoughts swimming in my head as usual. So anyway let me at least try to get at some point here. What was my point anyway? I guess I should start with my interview yesterday morning. It looks very, very promising. The person who will be directly supervising me is very interested in hiring me. It's all a matter confirming the budget that will cover my salary with the upper management. Hopefully I'll find out for sure by the end of the week because this waiting around and not knowing jack shit just totally sucks various parts of the large donkey.

I also got chewed out yesterday, on my cell phone no less by my boss who is still out of town. He thinks I'm working too slow. I explained to him calmly that I am being careful with the things he is telling me to modify, because the site he wants me to add enhancements to a site that is already making money and if I run a batch change and I make one mistake, that one mistake can literally multiply into thousands of mistakes. To use an old clich�, it's one of those measure twice (or more) and cut once deals. I think I made my point and he calmed down a little, but he added the point that although it's good to be careful there is such a thing as working too slow.

I guess I can't argue with that point because I have been dragging a bit, not so much that I'm just doing nothing except milk the clock, which I am definitely not doing. I think that it's more that I'm not keeping focused on specific tasks. I think I'm much better at executing one task at a time and doing it well than I am at trying to multitask. If I start another task, then I ultimately let something else slip. I'm not that good at juggling I guess.

Still, I think ultimately if I really wanted to focus, I totally could have without the need for anyone to snap their fingers in my face. With that said I'm starting to realize that this part-time job that I'm being underpaid and underappreciated just isn't for me. My heart and soul just are not into it and it's starting to show in my work. I'm seriously considering on tendering my 2-week notice this Friday whether I get hired back at my old job or not. For the meanwhile though, I totally stepped up my game at work. I kept my boss in the loop via e-mail and IM with what I was working on so he doesn't continue having the impression that I'm not doing anything, which is far from the truth.

But I digress, I was talking about significant life changes at the beginning of this entry. If I get this job it's back to the daily 8 to 5 grind a routine I have to totally re-accustom myself to because I barely have the capacity to wake up and start moving anytime before 9:00am and that's if I try really hard to get out of bed. Aside from resuming the life of a responsible adult, I'm going to have to start considering other things like moving to my own place.

I'm debating whether I should move back to the cool downtown bachelor pad or not. I know my mom is pushing the idea, but having already been displaced from there when I was down on my luck I am having the sense that the place was never quite MY place. Part of me needs a sense that I truly belong somewhere but I can't really do that unless I grab a hold of my life and start taking on more risks and more responsibilities. Maybe I'll find myself a studio apartment or something.

Also, with the possibility of work comes the possibility of going back to school and pursuing a master's degree. I will likely take full advantage of the company's tuition reimbursement program. I don't know, I just like the person I become when I am in school. I'm more determined, more focused and I'm actually accomplishing something positive instead of slacking off like I've been doing lately.

I guess some people are born great, whole some others need greatness bitch-slapped onto them. I guess I'm one of those people that need to be bitch-slapped because complacency is a real easy ditch to fall into. It's like an old comfortable recliner chair that once you get comfortable resting in, you don't want to get up off of. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's cool to chill once in a while, but when you start making resting a way of life you start to lose appreciation for it and it becomes more of a crutch than anything else. I figure I'll have plenty of time to rest when I'm dead.

One last thing before I sign off, I have most of my website in place. I added a blogger page to facilitate the publishing of articles. I also added a discussion forum. It's not really much right now, but I hope it eventually leads to something significant. If anyone still reads this journal please visit my new site and let me know what you think of it. The address is at http://www.beyondzine.com/. Speaking of my journal, unless I really have something significant I have to get off my chest, I think my free time would be better spent publishing needed content for my beyondZINE website.

Both my d-land and my live journal have just gotten so dead these past few months and quite especially these past few weeks. Not that I'm can really put the blame on anyone since I barely keep up with journals on my friends list myself let alone comment or note in them. But whatever, there are things that I need to get done in other places so I'll respect the cycle of ebb and flow within my own diaries. Hopefully in the near future I'll have means and the time to breathe new life into by blogs, but until then I'll have to take myself underground. I guess I'll see you when I'm on the other side of the tunnel...