It's funny how things work out. For the past few days I've been a little zoned out. It's that kind of feeling where you feel out of touch with the world around you. I've been feeling distant, lonely, lacking a sense of belonging and I've been having a very difficult time finding a reason to continue living aside from the fact that I am just simply living and breathing.

It's weird but I just don't see a point to life anymore other than just living for the sake of living. I just can't envision anything on this Earth that can provide me with any lasting degree of happiness. Other than the most basic sustenance, I'm almost absolutely certain that the gain of monetary or material possessions is not the key to bringing me joy. Things like having my own place, driving a nice car, not having the need to constantly hold back on my material impulses due to lack of finances, those things at best would provide only a temporary degree of happiness because there is always a bigger house, faster and nicer cars and things that I may want but will never be able to afford because a person can only make a finite amount of money.

Really I'm not sure where my heart will find it's joy. Part of me wants to travel the world and see what wonders are out there, the Great Wall of China, the Great Barrier Reef, The Great Pyramids of Giza. I want to gaze out into a vast ocean or stare out into the Grand Canyon and be able to breathe in and just feel alive. I want some sort of affirmation that the universe is a grand place and not just some festering hole where all life eventually withers, dies and rots but it's difficult to escape the feeling that it is all indeed nothing more than that and if so what the hell is the point?

I mistakenly thought that sexual gratification would be the key to my salvation, but like everything else it will at best only provide a momentary glimpse of Nirvana. I'm of course only talking about satisfaction of my physical wants and needs if those can't even be met why should I even mention the deeper cravings of the heart and soul. It's all just so fucking pointless. I keep looking and hoping for that moment where life will show me something of beauty, a reason to hold on to life to finally let the beauty that is inside your heart flow onto another person. But I keep waiting and hoping and continuing life only to experience pain and loss, I get to watch the hope inside turn to despair and regret.

All I really want to do now is simply not exist. I don't want to live life just to watch the best parts of myself wither into something wretched. I don't want to see the day where I don't want or care about anything anymore but it seems that day is coming closer and closer. I'd rather die than turn into a hateful, resentful soul that is no longer capable of love, no longer capable of joy and no longer capable of experiencing the very things in life that make it worth living. I don't know, maybe it's just me making things out to be much more complex and convoluted than they actually are. I suppose it's a waste of time dreaming of things have not and never will come into my life. Somebody please tell me that life doesn't always suck this hard...

I guess there really isn't much use for ranting, other than getting these stupid thoughts out of my system. I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes I think the universe operates like this huge, inefficient government bureaucracy. You ask for something important like the end to your life, but instead of being granted the wish of death, you get put on this huge waiting list, but before you can get your name on the list you have to take a number and wait in line until it is your turn to get served. Life shouldn't be all about wanting and waiting, but somehow that's all it has become for me and I'm like WTF man! But whatever, shit happens and all that.

So anyway, the HR department for my former employer finally contacted me yesterday to fill out an electronic application, which I filled and returned the same day and I was given an offer later this afternoon by HR, by exactly the same guy who handed me my walking papers 10 months ago when I got laid off no less.

I suppose things can be worse, I could have this guy's job and be the herald of significant life change, the bringer of news that can make or break people's lives. I suppose eventually in as time goes by, a job becomes just just a job... Anyway, the offer itself was nothing spectacular, just my old salary with full-time hours and benefits. I was hoping the completion of my degree could leverage a better salary but as it stands now it seems much more a factor in getting my foot back in the door.

Well I can't say the offer completely sucks considering I'll be making more than twice than I am making now. The restoration of my original salary does not come without it's price however. I'll be suffering the expense of re-joining the responsible 8 to 5 working class of people. I can hear my alarm clock and it's sickening, must wake up by 6 am buzz now. Thank the devil for snooze bars. It gives me that really "special" feeling on the inside knowing I'll be a slave to the alarm clock once again.

On the plus side, I'll be serving my 2-week notice to my current employer who is not only underpaying me, but still managed to bounce my last payroll check and bitched at me for "working too slow" on top of that. So to the "big" boss man with the huge Napoleon complex, it's been nice doing business with you man but I'm going to have to leave you for some real money. Not that it hasn't been a little slice of heaven working for you man. No hard feelings eh? Try not to let things go under when I'm gone because you know I got skillz that killz.

All in all, I guess my life has turned out to be just a little more interesting, nothing breathtakingly spectacular mind you, but just interesting enough that I may have to stick around for a bit longer among the living, just to see what happens next. Anyway, until next time...