Actually, it's the year of the Rooster in the Chinese calendar, which if you were using the word cock cleanly would mean exactly the same thing. Knowing myself and my diary however, I'm hardly one to use words in their cleanest sense, but I'll get to my cock later. *ahem* So anyway, it's the New Year for Chinese people, which makes it a really good excuse to get myself some Dim Sum and some maybe Chow Mein. I'm talking food here, not some euphemism for some crazy Asian style "Happy Ending" massages like you see in the back of those free newspapers you freaky person you, lift your mind out of the gutter for one moment and focus. ;)

Yeah I know, I'm being silly. So shoot me. Anyway, moving right along it looks like Tiragem recently changed her comment about me in her profile to say "I often wonder why he is so unlucky in the sexual department." The reason I mention it, other than the fact that I like it when females are curious about me and my sex life (or lack thereof), is that my state of sexlessness is something I wonder about myself, quite a bit actually.

I think males are similar to females when it comes to wondering whether or not they are attractive to the opposite sex. There is a question mark that we carry around inside our heads, for some it may be just a tiny little question mark, or a faint outline of one barely visible. For others like myself, it's a really big Godzilla-sized question mark that rumbles through our heads causing havoc and destruction, scary enough to cause little Japanese people to run away from it in terror.

For some people all it takes is a little confidence and self-assurance to erase that question mark in their heads. For others, women especially, it may only take a pair of brand new Prada shoes with "fuck-me" stiletto heels and of course a matching handbag. For people like me however, it takes a little more reassurance. Perhaps a little eye contact from that cutie all the way down at the opposite end of that grocery aisle along with the matching cute smile she flashes to me as we avoid the near tragic collision of our grocery carts and continue going along in opposite directions. I'm sure males and females have significant differences when it comes to issues about attraction, but I guess the only subject I can even come close to claiming any sort of expertise is myself.

I really hate to admit this, but it's true so I gotta spill it. I can't really think of myself as someone who is attractive if I'm not actually attracting the opposite sex. To me results mean everything, so in the 5 years or so that I've lived the single life, my inability to attract and keep a woman pretty much equates to my level of attractiveness, which is little if anything.

I know what you are going to ask, "But Derrick, have you checked the mirror lately?" Actually, I have and yes, I see that despite my need to lose a little weight, I do possess a certain level of physical attractiveness. And yes, I do notice looks from the opposite sex and to those cuties that look and smile at me, thank you I really needed that and I apologize infinitely for my speechlessness and my lack of courage to approach you and make something more interesting out of it.

So yeah, I know I have a mild level of physical attraction going on for me, but lately that and a dollar can't even get me a cup of coffee. I lack something critical, something to put me over the top. That thing is confidence. If I'm ever going to get anywhere with the opposite sex I'm going to need a greater degree of confidence than I currently possess.

I suppose in some weird, roundabout way I'm trying to build my confidence in other ways like completing my degree, establishing my career and regaining my financial independence. In the end however, I think I'm just beating around the bush. I mean if I really wanted a woman, all I have to do is take one, don't I? It's been done before by lesser men. I see it on the Jerry Springer show all the time. Some toothless wonder is married to some woman with 3-1/2 kids but has 3 other girls he's banging on the side all wanting to have his baby and one of them happens to be his wife's sister. They all come out on international TV to literally fight over this dentally-challenged person and tear each others clothes off. Yeah I know alot of this is staged, but I also know that art imitates life and vice versa, and somewhere to a lesser degree things like this happen all the time. Not that I exactly want to be this person who lacks teeth but gets laid quite often and is a repeat guest at the Jerry Springer Show, but I think you get the idea.

Still, I don't know how to explain it exactly, but there is something is stirring inside me. It might be the fact that I've actually completed my degree and have finally regained full-time employment, but I have the feeling that things may actually be different for me, like I actually have real power to change things in my life. I know that for a long time I've been ruled by the skeptic and the cynic of my mind and for a long time they have been holding me back, or rather I have been holding myself back. I think it's about time now that they shut the fuck up and take a ride in the back seat because I have a feeling it's going to be my year and I'm definitely hoping it's will truly be the "Year of the Cock", because my cock has definitely been waiting for it's own year... =p *ahem* Yeah, so anyway that's all I had to write. Happy New Year for those celebrating it. Until next time...