I've been meaning to throw in an update for the past few days but alas, my attenion has been divided in too many different directions as of late. There's work of course, which on the very positive side, filled a huge gaping void in my life.

I guess being without a full-time job for close to an entire year helped me gain a new perspective on this whole steady job thing. Although I might not be working at my fullest income and ability potential I find myself much more appreciative of my employment situation.

Therefore, I'm trying to do things a little differently than I used to do, by not taking my employment for granted and not spending all my downtime at work on the net. Of course I'm not perfect. I'll occasionally glance at my personal e-mail or web surf for the latest gadgets, but you won't see me at the discussion boards as much anymore and as you can tell I hardly ever update my blog or read up on other blogs like I used to. Work comes first and that is that.

As for my free time at home eventually I'll get myself back online and back into the groove of blogging. I have a beautiful machine waiting for me at home, but I know that once I get into it all my free time will be sucked into it like a black hole, so I'm holding off on that project for now.

I just got through setting up a laptop that I bought used at work for my mom. I pretty much have it secured and locked down as much as possible from an anti-virus/anti-spyware standpoint. I also have the basics set up on the machine like the wireless card configuration and Firefox browser for her email and the DVD decoder software so she can watch movies on it.

I also have an older working laptop that I pieced together from 3 similar but separate non-working laptops. I'll be using that as a backup to my Alienware and quite possibly I may even use it as my primary PC for net surfing and email and junk like that and reserve the Alienware for web design, power applications and of course gaming. I anticipate heavy usage of the Alienware PC once I get back to school.

Speaking of gaming, there's one game in particular that has been eating up a large portion of my free time. That game is Gran Turismo 4, a racing simulation for the Playstation 2. Eventually I'll put up a review and mini-guide on my beyondzine site. It's basically it's a game where you can race cars that handle very similarly to their real-world counterparts. You start up with enough in-game credits to buy a cheap used car, and eventually you go in, win races, prize credits and even cool prize cars. Almost every car I've ever wanted to drive and own is in there so right now it is not only providing a gaming fix for me, but it is also satisfying a deep seated need to buy ridiculously fast cars that I don't really need.

As for my emotional state I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the pain of loneliness every so often. It's tough to see people who are together, especially after being single for an extended period of time. I see the kind of happiness they have together and I sometimes just can't help but wonder why I don't have that kind of happiness in my life like maybe I'm undeserving of such a blissful state.

I guess in some ways I am truly undeserving. I know I've made my share of mistakes and I know I've backed down on enough opportunities in my life because I've simply lacked the confidence and the courage to carry myself through. Until I find those things within me, I can't really go around expecting that things going to just come together for me. I mean yeah sure, once in a great while I catch a glimpse of good luck but if that's all I have to rely on then I'm fucked and not in any way that I'd enjoy.

Speaking of sadness, it's my late grandmother's birthday today. The family celebrated with a little get-together yesterday. Yesterday was also the day we admitted my grandfather to the hospital. Thankfully it's nothing serious. He had a history of aspiration pneumonia and he came down with a cold and a fever a few days back and has had difficulty breathing ever since.

Before we took him to the hospital he seemed to be in high spirits with the family coming by to visit him. I remember sitting by his bed while he was asking me my wife's name. I'm pretty sure he meant my ex-wife, but if he didn't know I really didn't have the heart to tell him that I was divorced and that she re-married and has a child on the way. Later on he was asking if I had a girlfriend, which I of course replied "no not yet".

Most of the time I can walk around feeling cool about myself, but it's times like this that leave me with that huge sorrowful feeling in my chest. There is a huge possibility that the man who raised me will not survive long enough to see me with a wife and family. I want him to part from this existence knowing that I am OK and that all is well in my life. I don't want him to know the broken lonely shell of the man that I am now. I don't know, I guess there isn't really too much I can do about it right now so I'll just chill and go with the flow just like I've always done.

I expect my life to continue being hectic so I definitely will not be able to update this blog very often. I'll try to peek my head in once and a while especially when I need to get things out of my chest but for now I can't make any promises. I'll eventually need to get a workout routine started. Yeah I know, I've been totally putting it off, but my sleep habits are starting to stabilize and I'm not feeling as jet-lagged as I did when I just starting going back to the 8 to 5 job routine. Anyway, it's getting a little late so I'm out of here. Until next time...