Dear Ray,

First of all, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you are dead and all but I think it�s fairly obvious that you are still very much in my thoughts. Somehow even if your body has passed on, our friendship has never died. The memory of you will always be there in my mind and the feelings of friendship will always be there in my heart.

I�d be lying if I said things were exactly the same as the day you left this world. Things have somehow turned more melancholy. Even the beautiful memories are somehow much more bittersweet. It�s almost as if I�ve lost the ability to experience pure happiness. I can�t taste the sweet anymore without tasting some of the bitter. I don�t know if that�s a good or bad thing. I have no idea if that�s a natural feeling one must go through in life. All I do know is that things are most definitely different.

I do know one thing for sure however; I know the love will always be there, and I know I will carry it with me to my dying breath and somehow your presence and subsequent absence in my life will in some way both color and darken my perceptions.

I also wanted to apologize for snapping at you in that entry where I said you bailed on us. That was kind of fucked up of me considering we never had a real argument or disagreement since we were kids and perhaps even more so that you aren�t alive anymore. You were always the constant friend throughout my life and I don�t want that to change just because death came between us.

Obviously things can never be like before but it doesn�t mean the spirit of our friendship can�t continue to live on. I know I�ve spent much of my life tagging along with you. We went to the same High School together, the same college and most if not all your friends were my friends by association. I wouldn�t trade those times for anything.

I also know however, that there were times when I could not follow you, like when you had to move to the �burbs with your mom, or when you had to move to Florida so you could finish your Bachelor�s. Although, I�ve thought about it and even wished it upon myself many times, I�m beginning to realize that death is yet another place I won�t be able to follow you. I know someday the inevitable will happen and death will come to meet me. Thanks to you, however, death somehow turned from something to be feared into something to look forward to.

Still, for now I must accept the fact that I�m still among the living and do my best to make the most of it. I know it�s the way you have lived your life and I know that if I just threw it all away I would not only dishonor my own life, but the memory of your own life as well.

For now I need to meditate on the infinitude of choices that lay before me. I�m still trying to seek for happiness and I�m still trying to do the right thing. It�s weird how everything can come at you at one time especially after a long period of time where simply nothing was happening for me. Change is good however and I welcome it with open arms.

So anyway, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me when you were there. Thank you for showing me how good life can be. You were an awesome friend and if I can be just a fraction of the kind of friend you were to everyone, I know I�d be a better person. I love you bro and I�ll never forget you. There�s a Halloween party this weekend. I know it will never even be close to the kind we had back in the day, but I going out there and I�m fucking celebrating in your memory bro. You know how we fucking do it man. So until next time, peace�

Much Love,

-D