Life has been really weird lately. I'm not sure if I can explain totally but I sure am going to try. I don't know, I guess the feeling as of late is inner emptiness. It is as if there exists this huge unfillable void that is eating away at me from the inside. Now that I think about it, I suppose this feeling of emptiness serves as a good explanation as to why I've been burning myself out as of late. It's almost as if I sit still too long it feels like I'm slipping further into nothingness so I try to occupy and fill my time as much as possible. It seemed to work for a while, but then eventually it all caught up to me, I get burnt out and I had no choice but to chill out and step back for a little R&R.

Not that there's anything wrong with just relaxing. Normally, I love to just being lazy and not doing shit. It's just that spending almost this entire weekend doing practically nothing, not even stuff I should have been doing for school seems to be giving my mind too much time to dwell on my life. Sometimes that can be a bad thing, especially when I start thinking about all the things that are wrong and all the things that are missing in my life. It's like I'm dwelling on the part of the glass that is half-empty and it essentially becomes my reality. I've been noticing other things about myself too. Aside from trying to bide my time by going out whenever possible, I also seem to be trying to fill my void materialistically.

I've been buying lots of stuff, lots of really cool stuff like a set of wireless headphones, a wireless mouse and a USB flash drive and a leather motorcycle jacket. There is of course a whole bunch of other stuff I totally want to get and I know I can afford without batting an eye, but I have been avoiding because I know I won't have time to enjoy them like that cool new XBOX 360 or a Sony PSP or even a Gameboy Advance SP. No matter how much I love video games I seriously, I don't have those extra hours in the day to spend gaming. I already have buyer's remorse over the Alienware Laptop I purchased. I got one with a desktop processor and 3D card so that it is powerful enough to play some of the latest PC games out there, but since I've started school back in September I've been using the machine exclusively for school and the games that I have purchased with the machine such as The SIMS 2, Half-Life 2 and DOOM 3 have been gathering dust on my shelf. I'm afraid to load any one of those games in fear that one or more of them will fuel a new addiction that will drain any free time I may have. The only game I actually loaded and completed was Warcraft III and the expansion pack and that was before I started school again. It would have been infinitely more practical for me to buy a lightweight or tablet PC in terms of school instead of lugging around this powerful but heavy monster of a laptop that is Alienware.

There are also things I really want but don't really need like that Motorola SLVR phone that just came out for Cingular for $199 with contract. It a "candy bar" type phone that's actually thinner than the RAZR and can play MP3's that you can sync with iTunes. It also has a set of special headphones so that you can listen to music and when an incoming call comes in, you can press a button on the built-in microphone headset, which automatically pauses the music so you can take the call. I've also been drooling over the RAZR V3i which has similar MP3 functionality to the SLVR but has a 1.2 Megapixel camera and it retains the flip-phone form factor and design of the original RAZR. It not out in the US just yet, but I can purchase an unlocked one over the net and have it delivered to me before the end of the week. Considering I already have the original Silver RAZR V3 and a Rio Forge Sport MP3 player, I don't really need a new phone that plays MP3s.

I guess we'll see how well my resolve is over the next few months. I am however, in the market for a new phone because my contract is up with T-Mobile and I'm shopping around. Cingular is the only other GSM network in the US and I want to be able to still use my RAZR V3 with Cingular's SIM card. T-Mobile has a few "contract renewal" offers but the discounts for their best phones are negligible offering $50-$100 discounts at best and that's with a 2 year contract renewal. I might be able to go through wirefly.com to get a free phone with Cingular contract. They offer more free phones than the actual carriers they represent, so you can get a Black RAZR V3 for free with an new contract of course.

Oh there's also this pair of sunglasses I've been eyeballing, not just any pair though, but the Oakley Razrwire Sunglasses. It has a custom Bluetooth headset that clips right onto the temple. It's about 3 bills but mostly because Oakleys are top-quality sunglasses with distortion-free optics and all that UV protection. The glasses themselves are probably $250 by themselves and the going price for a good quality Bluetooth headset is about $60 to $80 bucks. Probably the only reason I haven't bought it already is that I need to try them on first to see how they fit and look, which means I can't really buy it online until I've gone to the store first. Such inconveniences are a part of life I guess. Of course I'm only half-joking with that statement. I also want to make sure that I get the most out of my money because somewhere in the back of my head $300+ is still a lot of money to spend on just one thing no matter how cool it may be.

Of course I haven't even brought up how much money a blow every weekend going out, I mean it's just fucking crazy. I must drop at least $80-100 every weekend, which covers drinks, cover charges, cab rides and/or valet, food and whatever else I happen to blow my money on. If I go out 2 nights in a row like Friday and Saturday it could easily hit $150-200 for the weekend. Sometimes I feel like I should be saving up for something serious, but really I don't have anything serious to focus on. I was thinking maybe I should get a new car or something, but I take the train to school and work, so buying a car at this time in my life would be impractical. Then again the kind of car I want is kind of impractical too. I don't know I suppose after driving junkyard beater hand me downs for my first 4 cars and having my last two cars being cheap yet practical economy sedans, I'm craving a 2 seater sports car with a 6 speed manual shift. Nothing off the wall expensive, something along the lines of a 350Z or a Honda S2000. I don't know, maybe when I finish off grad school or something. I'm not even going to talk about the motorcycle that I've been wanting to get because that's like totally out there.

I guess I'm just biding my time and my money until I move back into my bachelor pad. I know my step dad is eager to move out of there so he can save money and I know I can't fucking wait to move back in. Being 5 minutes away from work and school is so much better than being 45 minutes away, it just so fucking unbelievable. Of course it's all contingent upon the tenants in the floor below us finding another place to stay. Hopefully they will find an adequate place soon. Either way, I think I'll settle my spending once I have something serious to spend my money on. I mean sure I could actually save my money, but that's just too fucking boring.

Seriously though, I have been giving some serious thought to this whole feeling of emptiness thing and trying to fulfill myself with material possessions. I haven't really figured the whole thing out until recently when I had this unusual dream. In the dream was lying sideways on a couch watching TV spooning my ex. Considering we used to do that kind of thing all the time, it might not have been that unusual, but in the dream it was more of a present thing than a flashback thing and in the present although we are indeed very close friends, our relationship is very platonic and considering she is married with a child it's dangerous to even dream of it being otherwise.

But there we were in my dream, on the couch spooning like it was the most natural thing to do, then she turned around and smiled and asked if I was ok, I smiled back and said yes, but somehow the gravity drew us closer together. In the back of my mind I knew that we weren't supposed to be doing this but I just let go and allowed it to happen and we started to kiss and I remember it feeling more real than some of my real-life kisses however few and far-between they may have been. I guess that's because once-upon-a-time my kisses with her had love and meaning behind them.

In the dream, the passion of the kiss kept building and somehow our clothes came off and suddenly I was inside her taking her from behind. I almost forgot how good it felt when we fucked. It was also so fucking weird because part of me was feeling a sharp pang of guilt for messing with a married woman who happens to also be a very good friend and a platonic one nonetheless. There was another part of me, however that wanted this to happen more than I wanted anything else consequences be damned. I suppose the forbidden fruit is indeed the sweetest. But then I woke up reeling from the whole thing wondering what the fuck did all this mean? I didn't bust my load so it wasn't a wet dream, but with the level of intensity it had to fucking mean something. I do want to make it clear in case anyone who may figure out who I am and who I'm talking about has a chance to read this. It was a dream that I had little control over and I am in no way, consciously at least plotting, planning or wishing for something like this to happen. It was a dream and nothing more.

Still, the only conclusion I could arrive to as to why I had such a dream is that I am somehow missing and craving being able to share that intense level of physical and emotional intimacy and my ex, being the closest attainment of that level of intimacy and obviously being unavailable to share that kind of thing with me, was somehow a symbol of what my subconscious is craving. I find it sort of ironic that I happen to be subconsciously craving such things during a time in my life where I am practically swearing off women. I don't know what to do now, I mean it's obvious that somewhere deep inside me sharing intimacy with a woman is an important thing that my soul will always crave and I will somehow no matter what degree of power, wealth or success I attain, I will always feel that empty part inside me.

Still, the fact remains that I'm not some smooth guy that can pick up all these women. In fact when it comes to women I'm like so the opposite of smooth. I'm silent, awkward and when I do speak I am clumsy with my words. Whatever confidence I may have with women comes from liquor or from fooling myself into believing that women don't really matter to me. It's sad that I have to go though such lengths but it's also painfully true. Still, I have to somehow re-asses my overall philosophy in regards to women. Obviously, swearing off them however convenient it may seem at this moment is detrimental to what I want deep down. I know the usual result of me chasing women is me eventually crashing and burning, but no matter how many times I've gone down in flames I can't stop myself from honestly trying. My soul needs me to try and to keep trying otherwise I'm going to shrivel up and die on the inside and I can't allow that to happen to myself, not if I have any choice or say or will to action in this matter.

I'm not sure where to even begin with all this so maybe I should just start from square one and simply entertain the most immediate possibilities and see where it all leads from there. That and maybe spank it before I sleep so I stop having these weird erotic dreams. I tell ya they are nothing but fucking trouble. I suggest avoiding them entirely if possible. Anyway, I'm heading back to dreamland. Hopefully this trip is Rated G or perhaps Rated PG and not Adultery Fest 2006 Part Deux. But whatever, life is fucked and so are dreams and that's all I have to say about that.