Whoa, hey. I almost forgot I had one of these blog thingies. I guess I should write in it once in a while. Bad Derrick, no biscuit for you! Anyway, it seems quite a few things have been flying over my head lately. For instance did you know that it was Fat Tuesday back in February 28th and Ash Wednesday the day after? For Catholics and certain Christians, this signifies the beginning of Lent.

What does this have to do with me? Well I�m glad you asked that question. I usually give up something for Lent. Although this action is inspired by a religious tradition, for the record I�m not doing it out of any religious obligation but because deprivation occasionally helps me gain a certain spiritual insight. It is almost like how a blind person seems to �magically� get around because when you are missing one sense the other senses seem help compensate.

Some of my most intense experiences involved sexual deprivation (not to be confused with sexual depravation). No sex, no self-pleasuring and basically no voluntary orgasm for 40 days straight. Although I actually haven�t had a wet dream since puberty, I suppose me actually having one during that time would have technically been OK since it was relatively involuntary. Ultimately, the lack of orgasm for a significantly sustained period of time somehow heightens and intensifies everything else, I mean colors seemed brighter and more vivid, food tasted better the sense of touch felt more erotic and the dreams were just fucking out there. It�s kind of like being on some soft-core drug.

The thing is I�m not sure if I want to give anything up this Lent. I don�t know, I guess I�m a little pissed at how the universe seems to operate. Sometimes I feel like I�ve already given up enough in my life, like when I was out of a full time job for almost a year. I had to be careful with my spending with every tiny little thing. I humbled myself and left the cool bachelor pad to move back with my family. I also went on unemployment for 6 months and even took a part-time underpaid job working with a self-centered, money-grubbing, napoleon-complexed jerkwad to help make ends meet and I managed to finish my bachelor�s degree on top of all that.

For some strange reason, now that I�m not struggling financially anymore, I feel a hint of guilt when I have the urge to splurge some the extra money I�ve been making. What the fuck is that all about? I mean doesn�t everything have a way of balancing out anyway? I remember having all this free time when I was out of work and I finally completed my degree but having very little if any money to actually enjoy all that free time. Now everything is flipped around, I can actually afford to go out and have a good time but I have very little if any free time to enjoy it now that I�m working and going to school full-time.

I guess part of that guilt comes from knowing what it�s like to live in financial uncertainty. A lot of it involves constantly exercising your self-control. One must also have a certain degree of humility and be able to accept the situation for what it is and acting accordingly. Now that I have the money, part of me want to use and spend it in some responsible manner. Another part of me feels like that money is just burning a hole in my fucking pocket and I just so fucking tired of having this need to hold back. I just want to fucking cut lose and enjoy life.

But I digress. As far as Lent goes, I haven�t really thought up of anything good to give up this time around. I mean lack of sex is more or less a lifestyle for me nowadays even if it is largely circumstantial. Besides I�ve already decided to shift my focus away from females since the New Year, plus I�ve already done the orgasmic deprivation thing for 40 days for 2 years in a row. I�ve been kind of laying low with the drinking and the smoking and the spending for the past two weeks, mostly because I�ve been busy with school and also because there hasn�t been much going on as of late.

I don�t know, for some reason I�ve been feeling disoriented, like I�m out of phase or something. It�s like I wake up in my bed and somehow I feel like everything is wrong, as if my life isn�t the way it should be. I guess the big question is how do I make everything feel right? Maybe what I need to do is not find one big huge thing to give up, but rather find some sort of balance in my life. Maybe I don�t have to give up women completely. I just have to stop looking at women as sexual objects and pursuing them as such and just continue developing friendships and see where it all goes from there. Maybe I don�t have to give up spending money altogether, I just need to space it out a little and maybe be a little more judicious with what I spend my money on and try to use a little wisdom to make sure what I�m buying is what I really want and/or need.

Anyway, I�m sorry to cut this short, but it�s about the end of the work week. I�ve said mostly what I needed to say and I don�t feel like sticking around the office so I�ll just catch you all on the rebound.