This is it, the last week of class. I figure now is a good a time as any to break the self-imposed silence I've inflicted upon this blog. Like everything else around me that I love, it seems like my blog is dying too and I'm on the fence on whether to give it CPR or just pull the fucking plug. I don't know, I'll have to give it more thought so I'll pick up on this subject on another entry.

A more pressing matter at hand is the fact that I have a paper and an online final due by tomorrow on 6-6-06 of all days. Coincidentally, that is when the Omen remake comes out in the theaters as well. Marketing genius I�d say. So I figure I�d get all my stuff done by today instead of the day of the Apocalypse. I don�t think the �Satan ate my homework and engulfed me in the flames of eternal damnation� excuse is going to fly like it did so easily in grade school. ;)

Seriously though, for some reason I feel more burnt out than usual this school quarter. I suppose my grandfather�s passing was a factor in throwing me off mentally. It�s been more than a month since his passing and although the pain isn�t as intense as that first day when I heard the news and just broke down, the pain is still there. Honestly, ever since he had gotten sick, I�ve been mentally preparing myself for the day he might pass on because a man of his dignity shouldn�t have to suffer a painful life.

The issues with his health began when he suffered from aspiration pneumonia which weakened him and caused him to be unable to eat on his own and it pretty much spiraled downward from there. I�ll spare you all the details. Although part of me is taking comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering and part of me knew that this was eventually going to happen and even if we weren�t as close as we once was because I was no longer under his wing and began asserting myself as an adult, somehow I still can�t help but miss him. In a way I�m glad this didn�t happen during my childhood because I would have been utterly devastated.

I don�t know, I guess I can�t totally pin this on his passing. I�d say the game is a considerably tougher now that I�m in Grad school, I mean I was struggling while he was still alive, especially this last quarter where I�m taking 2 grad classes at the same time, unlike my first quarter where I dropped one class and my second quarter where I took one relatively easy prerequisite class alongside another grad class. I suppose having a more active social life isn�t helping matters much either. It�s like I�m always fucking tired and there�s always something to do and there�s rarely enough time to do it all, so rest has to fucking go.

If anything, maybe I�ve developed this sense of urgency in the back of my head. With all this death, pain and sadness I�ve been experiencing these past few years it�s like part of me wants to fight and to struggle until I�m exhausted because life is just too fucking short. If I were gone tomorrow have I done the things I really want to do in life? Since all I really want out of life is sex, the answer is probably no. I�m only half kidding of course, but I think you get the idea. I want things to change and I can�t rest until I actually change something for the better and nothing is changing and I�m fucking kicking myself over it. I guess the good thing is that I�m pioneering newer and deeper ways on how to suck. I�ll take sucking to a whole new level. I�ll make black holes look like a clogged up drain in need of liquid plumber. I�ll be the world champion sucka. Hey, I�ll at least be good at something right?

Sorry, I tend to use humor to un-stress myself, well that and spanking it, but that�s probably TMI and you didn�t really need to know that. In all seriousness though, maybe I have to start realizing that I am only Derrick and Derrick is only human and Derrick can only do so much and even Derrick needs a breather every once in a while. As such, I can�t wait to downshift into summer mode. I say fuck summer classes, I won�t be having any of that noise.

I�m also working on a tentative plan to move out of the apartment that my mom is staying in and down one floor to where my uncle and my cousin are moving in. The original plan was to move Grandpa in with my uncle so he could relieve my aunt who was shouldering a large part of the burden for my Grandpa�s physical care. I guess now that�s he�s passed on there�s a spare room and my cousin is excited to be my roommate. It�s not quite the downtown bachelor pad I once had, but the bachelor pad is not ready and it may not be for a while. Also the relocation possibility may yet have potential. My cousin is talking about putting in a poker table, stripper poles and a plasma screen in the living room. Ah to be young and foolish again.

Actually, I�m slightly amused by the idea, turning one of the apartments into a frat house. Yes, I know, I�ll still be living with family and not on my own like a grown man should but at least its one step removed from that 30 something guy still living with his mom. I can actually bring chicks to my crib without having to lie though my teeth about my living arrangement. But I�ll worry about all of that later. For now I�ve got unfinished business to attend to�