I gave the whole thing about me bitching about people not reading and/or commenting on my diary some thought. Ultimately I think it�s just me making a big deal out of nothing. I know that there are a few people that still read me and a handful from that group that actually comment from time to time. Considering the effort I put into reading and commenting other people�s diaries it all just about evens out. I�m pretty much getting what I give, which is ultimately what I deserve.

Although I do enjoy the occasional comments, I am reminded of the state of this diary when I first opened it. I like knew maybe one person on diaryland who didn�t update or read regularly anyway and that�s about it. In the beginning, what I wrote in my diary was largely for me but the fact that it was �out there� on a public internet medium, potentially for any random person surfing about to read somehow helped me release whatever was burdening my mind at the time. There�s a certain beauty in that kind of simplicity.

I guess it�s kind of amazing now that I think about it. It�s been almost 4 years since I started this blog and for almost the entire time I have been writing in diaryland, that �dark cloud� that I mentioned a couple of entries ago, which has been hanging over my head, has been there since I started way back then. If you look at what my life has been based solely on my diary entries, it�s almost as if I don�t know what life is like anymore without that feeling of sadness that has proverbially stuck on to my skin like a leech.

In some ways part of that �dark cloud� began when I ended a 7 year relationship, with the last year of that relationship being married and had subsequently gotten a divorce. Although it was something that I felt I needed to do, transitioning from being a �couple� to being a single guy wasn�t always the easiest thing for me. Although having Ray around as a best friend helped alleviate some of the loneliness and culture shock of my situation, while he was still alive at least, one thing remained clear, I was never really good at picking up women. I�ve always been quiet, unconfident and never forward enough when it came to females. Honestly I believe that the only reason I�ve experienced any type of success with any of the women I�ve been with is that I�m relatively cute and that once upon a time I was a relatively nice guy.

I guess people probably still see me as a nice guy to this day, but I assure you the niceness is only on the exterior. Living under all these years with pain and sadness tends to change a person and not necessarily for the better. With me, it doesn�t feel all that nice on the inside and there are moments when I show it outwardly one way or another. As such, most of who I am, bad or good gets recorded in this diary.

Probably the largest part of that proverbial �dark cloud� began with the passing of Ray. I don�t think I�ve truly felt the light of the sun since then, metaphorically speaking of course. The 5 year anniversary of the death of my cousin and best friend Ray is coming up pretty soon, this Saturday actually, on June 17, 2006. It�s amazing how a single event can profoundly change one�s life. On the day he died I truly learned the meaning of sadness and emptiness and those feelings even after all these years, still persist to this day. Like I�ve said before, I don�t know what life is like anymore without having pain and sadness being a part of it.

The pain and the feeling of loss continued with the passing of my maternal grandparents. Actually, my grandmother on my dad�s side passed away before Ray, not that it makes any of it easier. The recent death of my grandfather, the man who raised me from childhood to manhood, has been especially difficult for me due to his profound influence on my life. Although I knew he was sick the past few years of his life I don�t think any amount of mental preparation could have completely prepared me for the time when he actually passed away.

The saddest part of this is that I�m probably thinking of my grandfather more now than when he was actually alive and when I do it gets to me emotionally every time because there isn�t much I can do about it now except reminisce fondly and feel the pain knowing that those experiences can never quite be relived again. With all the death that has been happening, sometimes I can�t help but feel like a total wreck.

This is not to say that I�m not trying to move on or to progress in life. I mean I�m trying to move on with my life the best that I can. Somewhere between then and now I had gotten laid off and hit a really huge financial rut. In the wake of that situation I was able to get an internship, complete my bachelor�s degree, and get rehired to the company that laid me off. I was also able to start graduate school and finish off a year of grad classes. Life goes on I guess. Still, there are of course other issues that I�m working on but I�m move onto that a little later.

It sort of brings it all back to this diary. In a way this diary was born under the shadow of that �dark cloud� that has been hanging over my life for the past 5 years. Although my life does have its ups and downs that tinge of pain and sadness seems to be a prevalent theme throughout my diary entries, coloring my every thought and word recorded here.

It stands to reason that in order to put all this pain and sadness behind me I should also leave behind the very thing that not only reflects, but amplifies my feelings like a sounding board for my emotional vibe. That thing is of course is this diary. Believe me, I�ve thought about it over and over again and I�ve hit the brink several times of just leaving this whole damn thing.

The thing is that I love this diary I love writing in it and I love that feeling when certain "heavy" feeling gets lifted off my chest when I let it all out in this diary. It's cathartic to say the least and because I love that feeling so much, I ultimately have trouble leaving behind things that I love. Just like I would not give up the memories of Ray or Grandpa, no matter how bittersweet or painful they may be, I�m probably not going to give up this diary anytime soon. Still, I can�t allow my life to stagnate under this �dark cloud�. The easiest thing for me to do would be for me to simply to do nothing and allow myself to sink further into despair. I don�t want that to happen though. I want to somehow evolve out of this situation and become a better person without forgetting who I am or where I came from.

It�s a challenge to say the least, but I have to continue fighting in hopes to one day emerge out of this dark cloud that has seemingly engulfed my life for the past half decade or so. Although I�m probably not going to close shop, I�m thinking another break is in order just to get other things in my life straightened out. I don�t know, I guess I want to be able to write about something good in my life in my diary for a change and in order for that to happen I have to actually do something about my life to change it in some positive way.

I guess for now everything is still in the air. I do have a few more things that I want to write about in this diary, but I am seriously considering taking the summer off of blogging in this diary so that I can focus on some other things in my life. The thing is I don�t want to commit to something that long of a term (typical guy huh?) especially if I need to get something off my chest so I�m probably going to do something more like this. I�ll make a serious effort to not only to change my life for the better but if something good does happen in my life I promise to blog about it and of course if I need to get something negative off my chest I won�t go out of my way to prevent myself from blogging it. It will be nice to blog something positive for a change and after all this time hanging under that �dark cloud� I think the time for me to actually do something about it is long overdue. So off I go to live life and to hopefully make something good or at the very least make something better out of it than it is now. Wish me luck...