Dear Ray,

I almost can't believe that it has been 5 years today since you died. I know we don't really talk anymore for obvious reasons, but I'm writing you this letter anyway just to get some stuff off my chest because hey what choice do I have? Sometimes a guy just needs to let it all out. Honestly I don't know what lies after death if anything, but if somehow your essence still persists, I have the feeling that you would be able to catch the vibe I'm putting out and as long as that chance exists, it's good enough for me.

I wish I could say that life is grand, but the reality is that things haven't been the same with since you have been gone. I've never really been able to shake off the pain and sadness of your passing nor was I able to even come close to filling the void that you left behind if that's even possible. But supposedly life goes on, or so they say, and here I am trying to go right along with it. I find it ironic that you are the only person I truly feel like I can talk to about things like this, especially since you are dead and all. I guess if anything it's a testament to the kind of friendship we once shared. Can you blame me for having such a hard time with letting go?

So anyway, I'm trying out this new approach to life. I'm not sure if it's going to work or not, but hey it's something to do. It's not really anything against you because man, I love you bro, but I do want to at least try to come out from the shadow of your death. I don't want every memory I have of you to result in that bittersweet pain the way it has been since the day you have died. I'm sure that was never your intention but that's just how things have been.

Not to say that my life was perfect, but before all this, I kind of felt invincible, like I could overcome any challenge. If anything your mortality has made me intimately aware of my own mortality. I guess things for me aren't as bad now as they once were soon after you passed away because man, I was in a terrible state. I remember wanting nothing but my own death just so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and the emptiness. I don't quite know what happened, I mean before you died death was the furthest thing from my mind and then suddenly everything had changed. I found myself going to bed wishing my number would be up next and that I would die in my sleep and I�d feel angry that I managed to yet again wake up the next morning and deal with another day of life.

I guess if I were to look at the positive part of all this it would be that I'm not as afraid of death as I used to be. I mean the "other side" can't be all that bad now that my bro is there to liven things up a bit. ;) I'm also arriving closer to the realization that life is just too fucking short. I mean you wake up one day and you think it's just like any other day but then anything can happen and BAM! You just don't wake up at all. There's only so much time we have left on this world and unless you choose to end your own life you never really know when you are going to be next.

So somewhere in between then and now, my death wish transformed into a life wish, but I didn't fully realize it until Grandpapa died. I remember when he had first gotten sick and became bedridden. Although he was physically broken he still tried to resume his role as Patriarch of the family. It took a while, maybe a couple of years and in the face of his deteriorating health but he started turning the ideas around in his head. Somehow he let go of all his earthly material attachments and left room in his heart for those who truly mattered, the people around him whom he loved.

To this day I stand in utter amazement that a man in his nineties in deteriorating physical heath could still personally evolve as a human being. It's like you would go there to visit him and maybe cheer him up, but he's the one that wound up making you smile. It was almost as if the last few years he had left in this world were not for his self, but to try to the best of his ability to ensure those he would leave behind were okay. The whole thing just got a ball rolling in my mind. If my Grandfather could evolve as a person even during the twilight of his life and in the face of his diminishing health, then someone like me who has relative youth, health can accomplish an evolution of my own.

Since you died it's like I've been in this huge rut. Although there have been times when I have been really bitter about it, I just want to let you know that I'm not blaming you, I mean it was your time to go and there's really nothing I can do to turn back the clock to stop it from happening. I think it was mostly me having a really hard time letting go. The kind of friendship I had with you doesn't come around very often so despite the pain of losing you I still would have to consider myself lucky for having you in my life, not only as the truest of friends but as the brother I never had.

I do find it somewhat ironic that it took another death, namely Grandpapa's to help snap me out of my rut, but I guess things are the way they are and it's up to those still living to take what we experience both good and bad and learn in whatever ways we can from those experiences. This is not to say that I have everything all figured out. I'm still having problems in the female department and the main problem with that department is that there aren't any females in it. Of course you would be the guy I'd go to for advice concerning the female department because your department seemed to be always fully staffed.

Although I could never quite duplicate your smoothness, I've always admired the way you handled women. Had I known our time together would be so finite, I would have spent much more time trying to learn what it was that you did to make all those females fall for you. I guess I was too stupid and to proud to ask for help in that department. Like I said, I thought I could do anything and now when it is seemingly too late I find myself humbly bowing down to your wisdom.

Well, I guess it's not entirely impossible to figure out. It was fairly obvious that one of your life's major priorities was towards the opposite sex. If you saw an opening (so to speak) you just went for it, and you just had a certain finesse about the whole thing, even if it wasn't necessarily love at first sight on her part you always did something to win her over. You didn't let anything stop you, if she had some boyfriend she was on the fence about but was too insecure to let go, you found a way to have her hop over the fence to your side. If she was on the brink of a divorce you would find some way to get that part of life over with so she can start a new one with you. If she was a virgin, you�d convince her that virginity isn�t really the way to go and �liberated� her from her cherry. If she had kids you became their "favorite uncle" and shoplifted that pootie. The things you went though just for females... Man.

What I found the most amazing was that you truly had affection for all these women and they had the same affection for you back. It wasn�t just some random one-night stand lay or some meaningless bootie call. You had some sort of connection with all of them and to see all these women whom you had sexual relations with crying over you in your wake and funeral, some of them exes who moved on to other relationships, even marriages, some of them who knew of and hated each other. That was just totally fucking insane.

I think part of why you were in it was for the conquest. You loved the chase and you enjoyed the challenge. Once she either succumbed to you completely or you have found her to be "impenetrable" for some reason somewhere in your mind you were quickly looking for the next conquest, not that you wouldn't try to that "impenetrable" chick at some later time. I have so many memories of your smooth (and sometimes not so smooth) operations inside my head. I'm hoping one day something is going to click and I'll be able to adopt some of your vibe and evolve it into my own method of smoothness. You never know, right?

Oh yeah, I�ll be moving in with your dad and brother in the apartment downstairs. I remember in that last dream you were in, you asked me to take care of your brother. Although I think he�s doing a pretty good job on his own, I think this is an opportune time for me to bond with him further and of course help keep an eye on him. I think it will be pretty cool. Although there is truly no replacement for you, in many ways he does remind me of you and with any luck we will be having our own memories to make. Plus we will have you the Jedi Master Pimp as our inspiration. ;) The condo in Marina isn�t quite ready yet, my step dad is still living there and my mom and he are trying to refinance the condo and maybe get a loan against it for a down payment on another place for him. Although it�s going to be a while before all that happens and I get my bachelor pad back, I think it will be pretty cool hanging with your bro.

I got to tell you though, staying in the same apartment with my mom has been such a cock block. Yeah I know, technically she and the family moved in with me during her time of need, but somewhere in between I moved out and had to move back in during my own time of need when I got laid off. Also somewhere in between she transitioned from being my friend to actually being my mother. I guess somewhere in the back of her mind she�s trying to make up for the time she left me with my grandparents when I was age 3.

Although I was aware she was my biological mother and she always made sure I was taken cared of financially my grandparents were the ones who raised me and they are the ones whom I acknowledge the most in that respect. My mom is a great person and a great mother, but when it comes to loving unconditionally she doesn�t hold a candle to Gradpapa who had an almost infinite capacity to love with no silly little rules or conditions. With the exception of one misstep where he required me to get married before I moved into my apartment with my long-term girlfriend, with him I was free to be my own person.

Although it was a privilege to actually get to know my mother as a mother and not just some sisterly figure or best friend that she once was before all this happened, I�m really hoping that she arrives to the realization that I�m am of adult age and she will eventually need to let her son go, otherwise I�m going to have to be the �bad guy� and just go off on my own and let her deal with the separation anxiety on her own. But anyway that�s a whole other story and I don�t really need to get into that right now. The good part is I�ll be one floor away from her, which is more than enough space for me to have some sort of independence for myself and of course to not be cock blocked, which is really the most important thing right now because I haven�t had any in ages. ;)

Well anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I�m going to be trying my best to move on with my life. I know that�s probably what you wanted for me in the first place, but I can be a sentimental fool sometimes. Don�t worry though. I won�t forget the times we had together because to me those were the best of times. If anything those memories will be the gauge and the compass I will be aspiring towards in my life. Thanks for being a part of my life and thank you for the best friendship a guy could ever hope for and thank you for all the awesome memories. Even though you are no longer here physically, you will always be missed and you will always be loved. See you on the other side bro, someday�

- D