I�m still not at 100%, but I think I�m teetering towards wellness. The scratchiness in my throat is reduced to a tickle, enough so that I was able to take myself off of the cough syrup. The temperature in Chicago however, dropped considerably in the last few days. I guess winter was finally able to assert itself despite the effects of global warming and El Ni�o. It�s weird to say this with the cold and all, but it�s cool to see snow again. It wouldn�t be January without it, especially in Chicago.

The only side effect is the damn cough. It�s like some twisted tug of war with my body. I think it�s gone for a moment then I step outside with the low digit wind chill factor and suddenly the cough is back again to haunt me. The dry office air isn�t of much help either, so I find myself, yet again, needing to pop the cherry Halls. Wait. That sounded kind of kinky. *ahem* *innocent whistle*

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the cough. I haven�t gone out since NYE and what�s that like, close to three weeks? That�s just fucking unheard of and it really needs to stop before I start strangling myself (and that probably won�t help with the cough either). I�ve been craving a smoke too, I mean yeah I only light up when I drink, but I haven�t gone out to drink in 3 weeks, which means I haven�t had a chance to smoke in all that time. Maybe I�ll pick up a couple of Cohiba cigars for this weekend.

If there�s one thing that I�ve found surprisingly beneficial, it�s my decision to stay at the former bachelor pad during school nights. I can�t tell you how cool it is to get off of night class at 9:00 pm and be home by 9:05 pm, even if I�m just crashing on the recliner in the living room. On Tuesday and Wednesdays, which are basically my school nights, my main worries are basically reduced to going to work, going to school and going home to sleep. I know that the bachelor pad is not exactly my pad yet. Actually, I�m not quite sure when or even if I�ll ever have it back again. I know that it�s not like I�m on some tropical vacation or anything like that, but still, there is a certain beauty to that level of simplicity, something I must have taken for granted when I first occupied the bachelor pad on my own.

As far as my resolutions are going, I�m doing fairly well on a couple. I�m still a messy guy, but feel a bit less messy now that I�m straightening out my bed every morning. My bed is up against the corner of the wall, so I don�t really go the extra mile to make sure the sheets are on perfectly. I basically just arrange the pillows, throw the sheet over the bed and throw the comforter on top of it all. Although it can be somewhat haphazard, the bed is much neater than its usual state of chaos as the sheets, pillows and comforter were usually in a heap in the center of the bed and the foot of my bed was the former staging area for my clothes, books, backpack, etc. Maybe I�ll take a picture of it sometime. =p

My resolution to the dishes is a slightly different story. It�s weird to say this, but I think I actually like doing the dishes. I don�t know if it�s the sound of the flow of water, or the act of renewal, when a thing that was once dirty is now cleansed, or maybe it is simply the focus of my mind at the task at hand. In any case, the act of dishwashing is Zen-like activity for me. So naturally, I�ve been keeping up with my dishwashing since it�s not really that much of a chore for me.

The only resolution that I�m probably going to tank on, is the one about me dating. As of this moment I have absolutely no immediate possibilities in terms of choosing people to date. It�s funny, because I looked though my cell phone and I flipped through almost a couple dozen names and numbers of girls whom I had some interest in asking out over the span of the last few years. It�s weird because I probably blocked some of those experiences out of my head, but each of those names and numbers has a face, an experience and a story behind them, with the ultimate result of me at one point or another somehow screwing it up.

In retrospect, the decision in the past for me to put my dating life on hold was not because my life was so challenging and overwhelming that I simply did not have time for it like I led myself to believe. It was because of all those failures with all those women that made me afraid to even try anymore. It wasn�t until my experience with the bombshell that I renewed my interest in dating. I guess the possibility of me going back into the dating game with her and me thinking up what things we would be doing if the first date would have actually happened, reminded me why I even tried, not just with the bombshell, but with all those names and numbers of all those girls in the first place. It�s because I like going out and doing things. I enjoy the companionship. I miss the feminine touch and the feminine presence in my life and maybe that�s the real reason I�ve been feeling down for so long.

It is through this epiphany that I�ve come to realize that I need to change my resolution around a little bit. My resolution shouldn�t be to start dating again. That�s too big of a hurdle for me at this point. I�m still the quiet and shy guy that still has difficulty asserting himself with women he�s attracted to. I don�t think I should have the actual goal of scoring a date as part of the resolution, because there will be failures along the way and with those failures come the self-doubt and the killing of my self-esteem.

I do think however that, I shouldn�t stop moving toward that end and that I should keep trying to get myself back into dating. I am however, going to relieve myself of the expectation and the requirement that I�m going to get the number of every girl that I like and that I�m going to turn the number of every girl that I like into a date. I�m not some seducing Casanova or some smooth talking pickup artist and I'm probably never going to be anything close to that. I�m just Derrick and I think, in the end that�s what�s going to win them over, by just being me. I just need to go out there and I need to keep trying. If I like someone I ask her out. If it works out cool, I go out and I have fun. If it doesn�t then I crash and burn and have a sob story to tell my drinking buddies and ultimately, I learn from the experience and move on. Really though, I think that's all that needs to be said. Until next time...