It�s been a while, at least several months since, but my best friend and cousin Ray, who passed away over 5 years ago appeared in one of my dreams again. It�s weird because his presence in my dream felt so real, I mean it was just like he was standing right there in front of me. I guess I shouldn�t say it�s totally weird, because his presence in my dreams always seems to elicit the same kind of reaction and feelings.

It�s like running into someone really close to you but whom you have lost track of for years. I see him standing there as real and as clear as day and then suddenly I�m flooded with all these feelings and ineveitably, the burning question came up. I wanted to ask him, no scream at him, where the fuck have you been? He just stood there, not saying anything, almost as if he knew that I would shortly arrive at the answer myself. Then of course it all started to sink in and once again I became lucid to the gravity and reality of the situation.

Even though his presence felt so real, there was something inside me that knew something is wrong and sure enough I started to realize that this wasn�t real and this must be a dream and that soon whatever magic that was contained in that moment was going to be shattered by the harsh reality. So I did the only thing I could think of and gave him a hug with the vague hope that maybe if I held on tight enough, that he would not fade away like he would in dreams past. Then I woke up to the reality this morning.

I�m not sure why he keeps recurring in my dreams, but he does seem to come around during times when I, for all practical purposes have forgotten what it is like to miss having him around. I mean it�s only natural. He is fucking dead in some box biodegrading as we speak and there is a part of me that just wants to leave the past in the past and find a way to move on. But even knowing all that I can�t help but imagine that this is Ray�s way of telling me that somehow he is still around and maybe in some subtle way that I don�t quite understand, he�s still looking out for his bro.

I know that the flood of all these memories is often painful and bittersweet and I know that I will always wish that you never passed away and that in some way I will always be filled with regret your departure and that I will always miss you the same way I did the day you died. But despite all that pain and regret and all those bittersweet memories, if it�s the only way I get to see you then Ray, you are welcome in my dreams at any time bro. Just in case you were checking out to see how I am doing, well I�m hanging in there. I can�t say things have been a blast, I mean the party hasn�t been quite the same without you, but I�m continuing to struggle and I�m trying to make the best out of what is left in my life even when facing the void that you left behind.

There�s still a whole bunch of stuff that I want to ask you, not so much about why you are gone, because there isn�t really much we can do about it. But if you can give me a hint, you know just a little bit of insight on what it is you do with women, I could use some of that right now. I probably don�t have to tell you, but I�m really hurting out there in that department man. So if you can just bitch slap me some of that knowledge the next time you pop up in my dream that would be cool. I�m not sure if it�s going to be a year or a decade or a century or sometime in between, but eventually my time will come and when it does, I�ll see you on the other side bro. Until next time...