I tried to tweak the layout a bit. I figured the animated lightning background was making ppl dizzy trying to read the text against it so I put the lightning background off to the side. It really didn't bother me until I tried reading my diary all hungover like I am now. I may have screwed the formatting up a bit too because it's not layed out on the entire page. I'm not sure, I might just switch back to the 1 page each entry format. It's beginning to look much simpler that way, but I guess I'll have to fix that when I'm less hung over. Holy fuck someone stop this damn room from spinning! :/

So I called Sprint and I tried switching off my service. The representative said they would like to keep me as a customer, yadda(x3), they would like to send me a new phone. The phone they wanted to send me was on back order, so I would have to wait like an extra 2 weeks for it, so I bargained for the next higher model and offered to pay the difference, so I'll be getting a halfway decent phone for $30 and I'll be getting it by this week. Btw, I'm still buzzin' from last nite. I think I need a shower. =p

I went out drinking last nite. I guess I just needed an alcohol infusion. Anyhow I fucking lost my cellphone. AGAIN! I like using those plactic holsters so it comes off the belt easily. Well I guess it came off my fucking belt just a little too easily. For some reason this always happens when I'm fucking drunk. I must have done this at least a half a dozen times before. I remember being so fucking pissed about it too ecah and every time it happened especially the last time when I lost the coolest phone I ever owned, the Samsung Uproar which had built in MP3 player, it was small, sleek and I could listen to music on the train or when I'm running the treadmill on my workout. The fucking annoying part is that they don't sell it anymore so I can't even buy myself another one.

But anyway don't get me wrong, losing a cellphone is still a pain in the ass, but for some reason I can kinda laugh about it now. Maybe because when I lost the the cool phone I had to switch to my older, crappier model. Instead of getting an even cooler phone with those color displays and attachable cameras that you can send pictures across the cellular network to another similar phone, I opted to "torture" myself and downgrade to older, dorkier phone. Part of me wanted to lose that phone. :p

Anyhoo I promised myself that if I ever lost my phone again I'd just cut off my cellphone service for good. I figure if I'm not responsible enough to hold onto my equipment even in my drunken state then I don't deserve having any. Actually after the third phone, which I lossed and replaced with my own money, I vowed the that very thing except that my service provider wanted to keep me as a customer and sent me a fucking free phone. They actually sent me two free phones. The MP3 phone is the last phone I actually purchased. :p I think I'm going to cut my service and torture myself for real this time. I mean it's not like I ever use the damn cell anymore, not nearly as much as I used to. It's not like I have all these women calling me up too. Back when I was in a relationship, and my best friend was still alive it was alot more practical I guess, but now I really don't have so many to keep in touch with. I also happen to have a really bad signal from my aprartment which is also a pain in the ass. Another annoying thing is that I've recently entered a 1 year service contract so they are going to screw me if I cut the plan early. Ain't that a bitch? I guess I don't really know what I'm going to do this time. I guess I'll just call Sprint PCS and see what happens.

I remember a time when I enjoyed trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe in my head, watching the layers of complexity unravel before my mind's eye. I've always been a thinker, a daydreamer ever since I could remember, but now for some reason, the hamster that's running the the wheel in my head is geting tired. He's wondering WTF am I doing on this wheel on the same spot trying to run so fast? LOL, I had alot more to say but I'm getting writers block so I'll continue later.

One of the companies we outsource from dropped off a box of Krispy Kreme Donuts. I guess I'm gonna have to skip lunch today because I've alread pigged out on 2 of them. They are so fucking good though. *reaches for 3rd donut* LOL =p

I was passing by McD's for a quick breakfast and I saw all these cranes and wires setup at the parking lot by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. At first I was wondering WTF?

I found out later that they are filming Spiderman 2 right here in downtown Chicago, next to my office building and school all those cranes and junk are probably for a stunt sequence. :)

I don't want to say I love you...

Though there is still a part of my heart,

A part of me that will never let you go.

I don't want to say I love you...

Do you even know what it is to be in love?

To float on air and soar on angel's wings?

To have every breath filled with joy at your presence?

To feel every touch,

Every moment with you profoundly.

To feel it still,

Even after feeling the pain of having you gone.

Even after you have walked all over my heart.

And to see that even after all that,

I have meant little if anything to you.

That is why I don't want to say I love you...

A few months back in one of my entries I mentioned a girl whom I'm attracted to I might add who was flirting with me, but I couldn't really do anything about because she was dating someone else I knew. Well I heard from a friend that they broke up. I heard it was kind of a bad breakup too because he went right back to his ex and I'm assuming she is not feeling too good about that.

She is someone I've always been interested in but, ever since I've hit the single-life she always seemed to be dating someone else. I finally see an opening but if possible I don't want to wind up one of her "rebound flings". I guess I'll have to play this one by ear. There's a chance I might see her on the weekend and I'm hoping to catch the same vibe we have been getting from each other in the past. I already know I would be the guy that's going to cheer her up, but it's not going to work if I don't see her. ;)

Every so often I ponder how my life fits in with the "grand scheme" of things. I think about fate and destiny I ponder about how much of a scary idea all of it is. I also wonder to what degree my own free will and determination has on my destiny if any. I keep wondering, am I on the right path fulfilling some greater purpose? Or am I somehow moving in the opposite direction of my ideal path in life?

I don't like looking back because when I do I can't help but feel some regret, like I've missed out on some grand experiences, some significant life altering moments that help define a person and makes that person grow and evolve. I mean I'm sure I may have and a few but nothing I'd write a novel about. I guess it all seems silly the more I think about it but I can't help it, it's in my nature to think and to ponder and to wonder.

I know one thing, whatever is going on in my head it won't be solved within the span of a single evening. I'm sure I'll figure somthing out, either that or continue stumbling along in thing called life...

I guess you could say I offically survived my birthday last Thursday. I went out, had multiple servings of drinks and for the duration of my buzz I was in relative bliss. The buzz carried over well into the next afternoon on Friday so I spent the better part of that day doing some monumentally major vegging out.

I still feel kinda bummed that I really don't have that "special someone" in my life. It can get unbelieveably lonely sometimes, especially the past few months since I moved into my own place and the only voice I've been hearing is the one in my head. :/

I have a friend whom I've been talking to online every once in a while for the past few years. I've mentioned her in some of my past entries. Anyway she's telling me how she introduced her boyfriend to her mom and how things are going great for her. There are a few things I need to say about this. I'll get the least constructive sentiment out of the way and admit to being somewhat jealous about this. A big reason is because I'd really like to be the guy she's introducing to her mom and feeling good about. I know that our situation makes somthing like that difficult if not impossible, but for some reason part of me hopes somthing like that may happen. So much for wishful thinking. :/ Another thing I'd like to say is that I consider him one of the luckiest guys on this planet to be with someone as nice as her. I sincerely hope he's starting to realize this and quits being such a fuck-up to her. Who knows, maybe he's beginning to do just that. Finally, I wish for her continued happiness, for someone who gives as much as she does in a relationship I know she doesn't deserve any less. Honestly though, I'm not really sure how to continue on with how I should relate to her. I guess friendship is the best option for me right now. I do hope that I will be able to meet someone like her someday. Someone with all those qualities that appeal to me so much, especially that sexy vibe I always seem to pick up from her.

On the cooler side of things, I kinda bumped into a fellow diaryland writer online and we exchanged a few IM chat conversations. She also happens to be in Chicago which is cool. Not too many people I meet online live anywhere near me, so it's really cool to be able to chat with somone with at least the common aspect. Let's see how else I can gush about her? She's a great diary writer and in a way she does the same kinds of things I do with the diary, which is lay a bunch of thoughts and feelings onto the diary and by doing so help sort an figure those things out. She showed me her pic too so she also happenes to be a total cutie. To top it all off she likes rising crust pizza. I'm getting hungry just mentioning it. :P

Anyhow, I'm rambling on again. I'm going to bed now and just hope when or if I wake up tomorrow it may be a better day than any of my yesterdays.

I don't know what it is about my fucking birthday, but the past few have been really bad luck for me. I remember 2 years back on my 29th birthday I was hit with this almost overwhelming depression. It was then that I realized how much of my youth lay wasted before me. It was the one of the first times I really looked back on my life with an almost irreversible regret. It was like fuck! Where did all my fucking life go and why did I misspend my youth so stupidly? I think it was the first time in my life I have ever felt old and tired.

Then my last birthday came along, which I went into some detail about my ex in my previous entry. It was actually much more than that. It was the first birthday in a very long time that I've celebrated it without my cousin whose birthday is 3 days away from mine because he passed away that June before. Him and I were like brothers, I remember planning that birthday party with him. "It's going to be your 30th man, we are going to make it special just for you." This was kind of significant because most if not all the previous birthdays were focused on him. I mean he was the one with all the personality and all the friends and he was nice enough to let me latch my party onto his and let me tag along for the ride. I really appreciated the sentiment though. I know that not only my birthdays but my entire life will never be quite the same again now that he's gone. In my heart however, our birthdays will always be celebrated together. I don't think I could have it any other way.

Then it happened, earlier this afternoon, the day before my birthday. My ex wife called. For the past year or so we have been keeping in contact. By virtue of just being able to talk to each other and by me just being there to listen to all her problems we started to gain our friendship back, the kind we had when we started dating, except without the dating part. She easily qualifies as one of my best friends if not the best friend. She told me in so many words, that she could not celebrate my birthday with me. She had to pick up her parents at the airport and though she said she would pass by afterwards belatedly, she said she could not stay and party because she had both work and a final exam for her class the next day. I told her that I understood and that she should do what she needed to do, but on the inside I felt devastated that my best friend could not celebrate with me. I had to maintain my composure at work but I really felt like breaking down. I felt really deflated when I got home from work. I just laid back on the couch and I let myself cry until I passed out. I'd probably still be asleep too if some fucking telemarketer didn't wake me up with the damn phone.

Because of all this shit, my birthday somehow just doesn't feel all that special anymore. I never thought of all days in existence, that I would begin to dread my own birthday. I guess life isn't without it's little ironies. Other than drowning myself in vodka martinis I don't see how any of these bad feelings are going to change or even just go away. At least I have the vodka to look forward too. Cheers...

Something happened today, it kinda caught me off guard. I got a email from an ex today. The email itself isn't as important as much as the flood of thoughts that came up because of it. You see she wasn't just any ex, she was the last person with whom I was really, totally in love with. Basically, she was my first sexual relationship since I got divorced. She was beautiful, the sex was amazing and I don't know what happened but I just fell for her.

Unfortunately she wasn't nearly as in love with me as I was with her. It turns out she was on the rebound and in retrospect it seems she was just in it for a good time. Things just sort of fell apart when I told her how much I was in love with her and when I started saying "I love you" to her. All of a sudden she was too busy to see me or to talk to me. Finally I was able to confront her after a couple weeks of not being able to see her. She told me she "wasn't ready" for anything serious. That was the first time she had broken my heart. It was painful at first, but the days went by little by little I started to heal inside and forget about the heartache.

Then, several months later, maybe a week before my last birthday she called saying she wanted to visit along with her mom and one of her cousins. If you only knew the ideas that were floating in my head at that time, feelings I thought were forgotten began resurfacing again. I kept wondering why did she call me? Is she still thinking about me? What if she want's me back? By the time my birthday party came around, I naturally got drunk and wound up getting all touchy-feely on her and later that evening after the party we wound up kissing. It was the kind of kissing where your bodies are grinding up against each other, the kind that would makes me hot, that makes me want to fuck. From the moment she called, I knew I started falling for her all over again and I tried to play it cool all the way up to the kiss but then I motioned her towards my bedroom, I wanted to take her that night, I knew she new it. But then a funny thing happened, she turned me down. BAM! That was the sound of my heart breaking a second time. :(

It was so hard for me to get a grip of my feelings and what the hell was going on. I figured that if she let me kiss her that evening in that way then there may still be a chance. I figured all she needed was some time and space to sort out whatever she needed to and who knows? I made it a point not to even try to call her. I mean what was the point? If she wasn't seeking me then I shouldn't be seeking her either. So several months went by. Around that time my mom was working really close to where my ex and her mom lived. They all went she went out one night with some their mutual friends. My ex was there, back with the same guy she was going out with before me. My mom told me all about it later. My mom told me how much cuter I was compared to the boyfriend she was with and how better off she would have been with me. Of course she's my mom, she's supposed to give me unqualified praise, but still it felt good. I didn't really give it a second thought until I drove over to the town my mom was working in to pick her up. Being there just reminded me of my ex enough for me to call her cell phone. I got her voicemail and left a message. She didn't return my call that day.

In fact several days have gone by and no word. I figured if she couldn't give me the courtesy of at least returning my call then it probably wasn't worth pining over her like I had been in the past. Then I got her email. I got the usual pleasantries, the "hi how are you doing" sort of thing. She apologized for not being able return my call because things were going pretty hectic in her life. In the email she was telling me how things were going so much better between her and her boyfriend since last we spoke and how, during last Valentine's day he proposed to her and she accepted. That shit hit me like a fucking thunderbolt from a clear blue sky. It was then when my heart broke over her for the third time. I literally had to step out of the office and try to hold back the tears that were welling up behind my eyelids and maintain what little composure I had left in me. It was really hard for me to function that day.

I don't know why I get so overly sentimental with the girls whom I have fallen in love with. I guess it's because it happens so infrequently with me. Experiences like this make me think that I am searching too hard for love, that I'm just fooling myself in believing that anyone can ever love me in the same capacity that I can love. I think I'm an honest guy, faithful, and attentive. I like to touch, to feel, to hold, and to make love. I care about what she thinks, I would have gone to great lengths to bring her the same happiness and joy she had brought into my life. I keep asking myself if this is something I deserved, something I brought upon myself or maybe something I just let happen. Am I a victim of my own circumstance? Am I a fool to think such a love exists and if so, why do I feel so empty and useless? What good is my skin if I can't touch? What good is my mouth if I can't kiss? What good is my heart if it can't love? I feel as if every breath I'm taking is a waste of breath. The very space I am taking up is a waste of space. That every accomplishment I have made in my life this far has amounted to nothing. This is how I feel without love.

I don't know, maybe I'm putting way too much stock in this whole love thing. Do I really need another person to define me? I'm starting to give up the childish and foolish expectation that somehow, somewhere my soul mate, my one true love actually exists and that I may some day meet her in this lifetime. I guess I should start accepting the role of the quiet and lonely bachelor. It seems to be the only consistency in the past 3 decades of my life. Maybe love is the wrong thing and being alone is the right thing, it seems that all it ever amounts to anyway at least for me. I say fuck relationships and fuck everything else. If you are a woman and you haven't given a guy like me a chance in hell, then especially FUCK YOU! Ya damn bitches! I am so fucking pissed off right now. Thank you and buh-bye now...

I spoke to her online again this evening. she IM'ed me complimenting my new place. I of course thanked her and all that and we exchanged the usual pleasantries. I think she was doing her nails too. I bet you anything they looked sexy. *rawr* ;)

AHEM, but anyhow, one thing I've noticed about our conversations as of late. She, almost invariably is the one who ends our conversations by saying goodnight, I have to go to bed, I have to feed my llama, I'm giving my boyfriend another chance to screw me over, etc. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating slightly but you get my feelings here. At first I'm thinking it's because she's running a tight schedule and her free time is limited and she really has to go. Another possibility may be the difference in time. Since Eastern is an hour up from Central Time, so relatively speaking I'd have a full head of steam while she's just about ready for bedtime. I guess that hour makes a huge difference. =/

I don't know, maybe I'm just overanalyzing the situation as usual but there are times when I feel as though she just isn't as enthusiastic to talk to me as I am to her. It's like I'm either boring her to death or I'm somehow scaring her off in our conversations enough so that she's always dying to cut short whatever conversation we may be having. Like I said, I may just be thinking too much, but part of me just can't shake the ugly feeling that this just might be the truth. In all fairness, she did tell me that she has looked and waited for me online on several occasions, but by the she's been acting lately it just has been really difficult to distinguish that fact. Is she waiting online to see me just to tell me goodbye, adios, bonjour, sayonara, adieu? I guess parting is indeed such sweet sorrow. :(

I wish there were a better way of letting her know how she makes me feel inside how she makes me tingle, without having to gush it all over this stupid diary. By the time I've gathered enough courage to tell her somthing meaningful she's ready to go and I'm left slapping myself on the forehead. DOH!

Then again maybe it's just me. I think I've developed within me a strong enough sense of independence not to really depend on anyone to listen to my deepest feelings, but every once in a while it gets just lonely enough for me to need a shoulder to lean on and to ask me how I am feeling and really listen to what I am saying just like I'm willing to listen. And still even for that seemingly little thing it seems like I'm just asking for too much out of life, like what the fuck do I expect out of people? Argh!

I guess that's why I find this diary so liberating, I can pour out my soul without burdening anyone in particular with those feelings that weigh heavily upon me. It may be a little sad and lonely at times but liberating nonetheless. Oh well, I guess I just have to carry on and deal with all of it by myself, for now...

As mentioned previously I snapped some shots of my new place. The entire album is on Imagestation. The bad nwes is that you have to have a member signon to view it. The good news is that membership is free and it's a really good place to store pictures online. I just dumped a ton of picures in there and have yet to see anything in the way of space limitations. That is a really good thing.

CLICK HERE


And here are a few selected preview shots:

That's right yet my birthday is immenent, coming up full spead ahead like a runaway train, due to smash into me this Thursday, October 24th. :/ Actually it's not all that grave, I'm looking to get smashed in a different way, with the help of a few martinis. ;)

Nothing much else going on in my life. I drove my mom to Costco yesterday to buy some stuff. The cutie who rang up our purchase was so flirting with me. OK I was flirting with her but hey she flirted back. ;) I'm glad I haven't quite lost my touch.

Nothing much else to write about, at least nothing I want to get into at this moment.

Until next time...

Yeah it's me again. It's amazing how much time flies when you think about it and when you think about it some more how time can just be such drag. :

Ugh, but anyway my birthday is coming up on October 24. That in itself is not necessarily a good or bad thing. It's just when I start thinking about stuff, like how single an lonely I am and how that probably isn't going to change no matter how much I wish when blow out my candles and make that "special" birthday wish. It just makes everything else seem so meaningless. :(

Take my school for example. I finally got around to having my degree evaluation after a year or more. It turns out that after this quarter I have 12 more courses and I'm done. If I had the cash I'd just go full-time and take 4 classes the next 3 quarters, but as fate would have it money does not grow on trees. =p Anyhoo, if I take a few extra classes above what work is paying for I can finish my degree by the end of Spring 2004. I'm not doing any jumping jacks, then again it's not graduation yet. ;) It is kind of a relief that I see it on the horizon, after all the time I've been dragging my ass through school.

I'm also staying in a new place, which is another really cool thing. It's a 1 bedroom condo in downtown Chicago. My mom used to live there and until recently she's been renting it out to help pay out the mortgage. Her tenant didn't renew the lease and she was nice enough to let me stay there since it's really close to my work and my school. I have a few pics of the outside. I'll take some inside shots when I straighen up a bit. I am a bachelor after all. ;)

Here's a couple of outdoor shots of the towers I stay in:

Here's a shot from my balcony.

Dude, I'm like right on top of the house of blues! Sweet! ;)

Jake and Elwood's ride, courtesy of the House of Blues. =p

I caught my friend in AIM again today. I don't know what it is about her, I mean I haven't even seen her face yet I find myself strangely attracted to her. It's just wierd. She has a boyfriend too, I'm not sure if it eases or complicates the matter, maybe a little of both I guess. I remember teasingly asking her if she had any friends that were single, and she almost flat out said no. She later told me that she would get so jealous if I ever wound up with one of her friends, probably to a point where she couldn't handle it.

Though part of me doesn't think that wasn't very fair considering I'm this sad lonely guy and she's got the boyfriend and all. But another part of me was kinda flattered that she didn't want to share me with anyone else. There's just something about her, I'm not quite sure why I want her the way I do. I guess I should confess a little jealousy on my part too. We were right in the middle of a conversation on AIM and she had to cut it short because her boyfriend was on his way. This is the same guy that always messes up with her and for some reason he still gets to have her. I'm sure he has his moments and is probably a nice guy but at this moment I feel like kicking his ass. It's probably better right now tht I dont know him. :P

EEEK it's fucking getting late so I'll end this. Until next time...

Not great or anything, but not overly depressing either. One of those even-keel kinda things. This weekend was pretty low key, watched lots of dvds/videos, some good, some OK, some just plain cheezy. Anyway it was just what I needed to unwind. I'm ready to attack this week's problems whatever they may be with a renewed vigor.

I guess I should rewind a little bit to last Thursday night. Went out for a few drinks after work and I was having a seat at the bar. There was this girl, absolutely beautiful, slim, brunette with a killer smile. I knew I didn't have a chance with her so I didn't even think about trying but then I heard her asking the bartender if he had any cigarettes. He said no, and came over to me and asked me for a cigarette. I gave him one and he brought it back over to her, lit the cigarette and said it was from me, so she smiled and waved her thanks at me. I of course smiled and waved back.

I was taking the last few sips of my martini glancing over to her on occasion. When I noticed her smile and glance back I knew it was time to make my approach. God she was even sexier close up. I introduced myself and engaged in a little small talk. She was a recently graduated actress who is "between jobs". If memory serves me right her self-described quintessestial role would be Maggie in "Cat on a Hot-Tim Roof".

Actually when I think back a little I'm surprised I got that far. With a woman that sexy I would have traditionally crashed and burned way before that, I mean like to the point of not even approching her. I guess I made partial progress. But anyway back to the story. It might be just my own paranoid thinking but I could have sworn her attention to me started to wane when I mentioned I was still going to school. As if a girl like that would never date me unless I had lots of money to throw around. Like I said, maybe it was just me. Anyhow I didn't feel enough chemistry to warrant me to go for her number.

In fact it became painfully obvious when her girlfriend went to the bathroom and the guy whom her girlfriend was flirting with before that he started flirting with the same actress chick who I was talking to earlier. All I have to say is damn, I need to take notes from this guy because he had her stand up and they were kinda comparing height and there was lots of touching involved and the smiling and the body language that was coming from her, god I wish I could ilicit that type of response from a girl as sexy as that.

So naturally I started throwing back the martinis. I guess it was a combination of that percieved failure with that cute actress chick and all that liquor in my system, but all that crap brought me down like way down. Then I had that whole thing with talking to my online friend that I desribed in one of my previous diary entries. I guess it was a little much for me. But like I said I'm a little better now.

I'm starting to feel little worried about my online friend though. I just IM'd her a while ago but she didn't feel like talking. There's a huge possiblilty her boyfriend is being a dick to her again. I really hate seeing her like this and I especially hate when he does the same crap to her over and over to her yet she's still with him. I know she deserves better than that asshole but I kinda feel bad because there's not really a damn thing I could do about it except maybe be there for her to listen and perhaps share in her pain.

Of course there's that whole diary entry that I made concerning our phone conversation. I'm hpoing it's nothing but I can't rule out the possibility that she might be upset at me about that because she does take a peek at my diary on occasion. If that is the case I just want her to know that these diary entires especially that last one, exist for the most part to help sort out the jambalya of feelings and thoughts that exist in my head and get some of the heavy stuff out of my chest and I try to do it in the most honest in sincere way possible.

There are of course some dangers with that. One of those dangers is that this is a public diary so practically anyone can get to it and even though I don't use names here, if you happen to be the subject of a particular entry it's not hard to put 2 and 2 together. The other danger is that in being totally honest, you also run the risk of hurting the people you are being honest to, especially if that honesty is blended with pain, depression, frustration and parhaps even some anger. Anyway, the main thing I want to get at is that past is done and I want to put all that behind me. I guess that's all I have to say for now.

And to my friend online, I truly hope things work out for the better for you. I'm sorry about how things seem to be turning out. If you still need somone to talk with I'm there to listen. Take care of yourself.

Until next time I guess...

"Bizarre Love Triangle" - New Order

Every time i think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find

Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me

The wisdom of a fool won't set you free

But that's the way that it goes

And it's what nobody knows

While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling

I get down on my knees and pray

I'm waiting for that final moment

You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good

I'm feeling like I never should

Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say

Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean

I don't think you're what you seem

I do admit to myself

That if I hurt someone else

Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling

I get down on my knees and pray

I'm waiting for that final moment

You'll say the words that I can't say

...over the phone for the first time in a very long time. We spoke like once before, but that was a long time ago and it was a little different because she was crazy nervous and I guess I felt the same too. Anyway that conversation didn't last very long. I guess it was a little awkward because for the most part, we are used to talking to each other through IMs more than anything else.

I don't know, I mean I've been wanting to talk to her on the phone for the longest time since then. I'm talking like prolly close to 2 years ago when we first met online and had this really wicked cool flirtaion vibe going on with each other. But I guess none of it was really good timing though because we've never spoke on the phone since that first time. I think the main thing was that she was really nervous about giving up her phone number over the net especially to me, a stranger of sorts whom she never met. I guess I can't blame her for that.

Anyway, I would like to think that she changed her mind about talking over the phone because she was finally interested in my "scintillating" conversation maybe to take a step closer to friendship or somthing to that effect, but I think the only reason she caved in this time was because her boyfriend was being a dick to her. The world is pretty fucked isn't it? Anyway I got my wish so I guess I shouldn't bitch.

Nonetheless I thought it was an OK conversation at least parts of it were. She has this really cute voice, very feminine. I tried my best to pour on the charm and I think there were times I actualy made her giggle but there were also a few awkward moments of silence. I think those silences were driving her crazy, I was kinda feeling it.

I guess I never really was much of a phone conversationalist to begin with, but I felt that this time it really showed. I can't help but have the feeling that I just made a really bad impression with her in this conversation. I feel kinda bad too because she was half-jokingly making all these stalker inferences like somehow I would be the next asshole guy that would contribute the all the bad experiences she has ever had with guys. Like somehow I'd magically go nuts and start calling her every 5 minutes. So I promised her that I'd never call her unless we somehow agree to it beforehand. That seemed to make her feel better which is good I guess but the way she apprently perceives me, I guess it just doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

I guess part of me feels a little insulted by all this because I'd like to think of myself as a person who has enough self respect and respect for others to not do something like that, especially considering that I've never done anything like that in the past. I've always given people in my life thier space and I've always respected thier boundaries but hey I guess I can't expect everyone to know that. I guess what pains me the most is that she gave much more benefit of the doubt to her asshole of a boyfriend who has thus far shown her little if any respect, but he gets to be her boyfriend anyway just by virtue of being geographically closer to her. I dunno, whatever makes her happy I guess...*sigh*

I suppose there's nothing left for me to do except try and move on and abandon whatever silly romantic idea I may have had of her. I mean she does have a boyfriend and all, which should have been a stop sign for me anyway. I don't know, I suppose that I myself am not immune from doing stipid things. I followed my heart and my heart was wrong yet again. There's nothing left to do but learn from it and move on.

I'll try my best to maintain whatever semblance of friendship we may have. I mean at least I felt that we had a nice connection there at one time and for some reason she understands parts of me that don't come out easily under normal circumstaces. I'm just not sure how to approach all of this exactly.

One moment at a time I guess...

My mojo that is... Not that I'm claiming I've ever had it. well mabe I may have had an ounce of it in the past, but that was then. It's just that I feel like a large part of my confidence is just gone.

I don't know, I feel like I want a relationship that is real, something that make my heart beat, a relationship that involves uncondtional love, and for some wierd reason this want just this feels like this is something greater and grander that what I can ever hope to orchestrate or even wish for in my lifetime, something just beyond my dreams.

Honestly I don't think I'm very effective with women. I mean hell, I'm 30 years old and counting and somehow it's just all going downhill from here. I think life really sucks that way and who do I have to bitch about it with? Fucking nobody...

Argh, maybe it the damn liquor I've been drinking all night, but I fucking feel bitter right now, about life, about everything and I have no clue how to turn this all around. Ain't that a fucking bitch.

I guess that's enough bitching for one night. I'll just sleep on it and whatever happens tomorrow happens. :

Just came home from a bar after drinking boku amountas of beeer. Drinking makes me horny, then again what doesnt ;) anyhow the bedroom beckones so ima passs out now. Hastas... :P

Why is it that when you go for a girl who's single it's as difficult as applying for a small business loan, but when they are going out with someone they almost go out of thier way to throw themselves at you? I'm telling you it's really messing with my mind right now.

I went out last night after work for a friend's b-day with a group of friends and we did the dinner and drinks thing. I used work at the same company with most of the group at my last job. Anyhow the b-day guy's girlfriend was throwing out this major vibe at me, I mean nothing too obvious because her boyfriend was right there, but when he wasn't looking I could catch her staring and smiling at me. When we were done with dinner I went to the bar for a smoke and she followed me over.

I lit her cigarette and as we were smoking she was asking me stuff like was I dating. When I told her no I was kinda "between dates" she said that it must be cool to be able to date around and things like that. I said it's ok Ive had my moments. I tried to make it as tame as possible because I could be very suggestive when I need to be, but damn my friend, her boyfriend was right there with the rest of the group. And when we went to the club after dinner she like pulled me down to sit next to her on the couch. She was asking me where I've been all night, I told here there was a crazy ass line at the bar. By that time I've had several drinks in me, I'm just glad I was able to maintain my composure.

She was f*cking cute too. I mean it took a conscious effort for me to try and avoid eye contact and smile back at her. Honestly if she were single, I'd probably be all over her, I mean the vibe was that good. Another problem is that it's been a while for me sexually speaking so naturally I'm horny as hell. I mean I tried my best to play it cool but I imagine some of my vibe leaking out inadvertantly.

Of course I'm probably not going to do anything about it, I mean they are both friends of mine and I knew them even before they were dating each other and dating different people and I just don't need that kind of drama in my life, but still. I mean I wish I had some easier/better choices when it comes to these things.

Yeah, yeah I know. It's been forever sice I've last wrote in here, blah blah blah... I guess my diary is a reflection of how my life has been going lately, very uneventful.

*sigh*

Anyway my classes for the fall quarter are drawing near. If anything I vegetated quite nicely over the summer with work being just about the only thing I've done that was productive these past few months. Not that I cherish the frantic pace of the dreaded work and school combo, but I do look forward to switching back into high gear. At least I'm doing _somthing_ productive outside of work.

Relationships? HA! (that was may half-hearted attempt at laughter) It's a different story altogether as far as relationships go. I wish I can write myself off as an inept fool who knows nothing about companionship then I can wander up some mountain and live the rest of my life as some hermit who says lots of profound things that nobody really understands but oohs and aaahs at it anyway. But no, there's this fucking nagging feeling somwhere in my being that tells me that there's something real, something beautiful out there for me to find and that I should never stop seeking it. WTF is that all about? Anyhoo I'm in no shape to tackle that dilemma in my life so let's just move on.

Here's another question I keep asking myself. What makes life worth living? I mean if I were to construct a pie chart of my life I'd say about 60-80% of it would be the boring everyday mundane shit that I have to go through. The alarm goes off, I hit the snooze bar, it goes off again, I hit the snooze bar again, repeat the process a dozen times ad nauseum until I finally wake my tired ass up, take a dump, hit the shower, dress my ass up drag my ass to work, work my ass off, drag my exhausted ass back home waste some time put my ass to bed and set the medieval torture device called my alarm clock to go off next morning and repeat the whole process over again the next day.

I'd say a good 15-25% would be the tolerable, OK stuff like the weekends, just hanging out, catching a flick, vegging in front of the computer or TV, etc. Nothing spectacular but nothing bad either.

10-20% would be the sadass shit like heartbreaks, tragic losses, regrets, hopelessness, physical, mental and/or emotional pain and the other crap I go through in life. there are times when this takes a large part of my life, but I try not to dwell upon it for too long, if I can help it.

Then there's the 1-5% of pure happiness, flashes of monentary bliss, times of joy, times when it seems like you are floating in air, times when you are in love and nothing else matters. The trouble is these are so brief, so fleeting almost like you are chasing some illusion because you can't really hold onto that feeling for very long. It just comes and fades as quickly as it came. I don't know if it's even worth it anymore to keep wanting it to happen in your life, to develop some unrealistic expectation of it. I just don't know anymore...

So if you do the math (yeah I know it may not all add up to 100% but who the fuck cares this ain't a statistics class) ;) only about 15 to 30% of the pie of my life is what I'd consider the "good stuff" the rest is either boring as hell or it just pretty much sucks.

So what's my point? Well nothing really other than there's really no point to anything at all. I mean really if the vast majority of life is just a bunch of bullshit and the moments of pure joy are so fleeting does that make life worth living? It's kinda fucked up if you ask me. No wonder I like sex so much takes my mind off all this stupid ass shit. Anyway I'm not making any sense even to myself, which is a sure sign that my ass is getting tired so I'll end this blog while I'm still "ahead". Until next time. ;)